Page 8 of Center Ice
“I don’t know.” I glance out the wall of glass that leads to the small front brick patio and the few granite steps leading up to the street level. Despite this being a basement office, we made sure it gets plenty of light. I glance back at my sister and say, “Maybe just until I feel strong enough to deal with this.”
“You ARE strong enough,” Jules insists, raising her eyebrows like she’s reminding me of something I already know. “And you don’t really have a choice but to deal with it now that he knows. Or at least, we think he does. But we won’t know for sure until you listen to his messages.”
I wrap both hands around the mug and bring it just under my nose, inhaling the sweet smell of the coffee mixed with the vanilla creamer and hoping the familiar scent calms me. And then I admit my fear—the thing that kept me up all night. “What if he wants to be involved in Graham’s life?”
“What if he doesn’t?” Jules counters.
“I don’t know which is worse,” I admit.
I think of all the moments he’s already missed, from the sleepless nights when Graham was a baby, to his first steps, to his first day of kindergarten just over a month ago. So much has happened in the past five and a half years since he was born, and Drew missed it all.
“He obviously wanted nothing to do withmewhen I was calling him non-stop after I found out I was pregnant. So imagining myself co-parenting with him is just…a lot to consider, I guess.”
“Unfortunately, what’s best for you and what’s best for Graham might be different in this case. I think the question youhave to ask yourself is: would Graham benefit from having a father in his life?”
I hear everything Jules isn’t saying about our own father and how he walked out on us. How Jameson stepped up and filled that role, even though he was only in his mid-twenties, and how he’s had to fill that role for Graham too. How Graham’s never truly had a dad. And I think about that damn family tree and how different it might look if Drew was a part of Graham’s life.
“I don’t know. I guess it depends on what kind of a dad Drew wants to be. We had a father in our life, and we were better off when he left.”
Jules gets a look that’s hard to read, like she always does when our dad comes up. Hands down, she was his favorite. We used to call her his shadow. She was swinging a hammer when she was five and knew how to use every major power tool by the time she was ten, because she wanted to be just like him.
In the summers, she worked for his construction company—she loved being on job sites, and it probably explains why she’s the structural engineer and lead contractor, while I’m the architect and business manager for our little company. Saving the construction company was the only thing I asked Jameson for when Dad left, because together it was the one thing we could give Jules to make up for how much Mom dying and then Dad leaving had fucked up our family.
“Drew isn’t a co-dependent alcoholic,” Jules says dryly.
“That we know of.”
We look at each other and then burst out laughing. If we don’t make light of our history, it would probably crush us like it almost did when we were teenagers.
“You don’t even know if he wants to be involved,” Jules says. “But he at least deserves to know what happened.”
I don’t want her to be right, but I know she is. As pissed as I am, I still realize that not returning my phone calls six years agoisn’t a reason to not tell him what happened or to keep him from Graham.
“I’m worried about him being involved—he’s so volatile. His hockey career has been all over the place, he’s known for being unpredictable and unreliable on the ice, and his…extra-curricular activities seem to involve a lot of alcohol and a lot of women.”
“I didn’t realize you’d followed him so closely,” Jules says, brow lifting as her eyes meet mine.
“He’s the father of my child. It’s hard not to want to know what he’s doing while I’m here raising our kid. And I don’t know if I trust him to be involved in Graham’s life if that’s the energy he’s going to bring to the relationship, you know?”
“Maybe we should listen to the messages and see if that’s even what he wants? You know, before you go too far along the path of thinking of all the reasons you shouldn’t trust him.”
Yep, Jules may have ended up with the daddy issues after our father deserted us, but I no doubt ended up with the serious trust issues.
I carry my coffee back to the table, where I sit while Jules does laps around the room. Except for first thing in the morning, my sister is a constant ball of motion. Taking a deep breath, I open up the voicemail and hit play.
Audrey…Drew’s voice fills the room and then there’s a pause. It’s impossible not to remember how he said my name that way—equal parts awe and ecstasy—six years ago as he climaxed inside me. The moment that changed the entire trajectory of my life, but didn’t impact him at all.I don’t know what to say, except that I have a lot of questions, and I’m really hoping you’ll answer them for me. Call me, please.
I look at Jules and lift my shoulder in a shrug. It’s hard to read much into that message except that he’s looking foranswers. No indication of whether he wants to be involved, but I guess how could he if he’s not even sure if Graham is his?
I hit play on the next message.
Audrey, I’m going a bit crazy here with you not returning my call. I’m sorry, I know that’s a shit thing to be upset about after I didn’t return your calls years ago. But I didn’t know why you were calling. I thought…Another long pause fills the space, and I almost think he’s hung up until I hear,…You know, it doesn’t matter what I was thinking back then. I’m so sorry I didn’t listen to your messages after the first one. Please, call me back.
Jules and I exchange a look. Hers says, ‘Hey, at least he’s sorry now.’I don’t know what my face is saying, but I’m frustrated, sad, and mad that Graham had to miss out on having a dad because of Drew’s commitment to being a one-night stand kind of guy. I knew that about him when I chose to sleep with him; I just never considered that I might end up pregnant after he moved to another country.
I hit play on the last message. It’s an empty two seconds, as he must have hung up without saying anything.
I stare at Jules, trying not to let my nerves get the best of me. “You going to call him now?” she asks.
