Page 74 of Center Ice
With a deep breath, I think about how many times I’ve worn my brother’s jersey. “I appreciate the thought, but the only name I wear on my back is my own.”
He leans in so close his lips graze my earlobe and the sparks of desire shoot straight through me. “Don’t worry, baby, one day my last namewillbe yours.”
“Holy shit,” Morgan says, the words rolling out slowly as she fans herself with the drink menu. I have a feeling it’s Drew’s words and not this stuffy bar or the multiple drinks the birthday girl has had that have her feeling the heat. “What did you say?”
“I don’t even know. I think I stuttered out something about needing to come meet all of you?” I can’t even think about the low rumble of laughter just under his breath as he shut mycar door after I got in without my entire core clenching up in response. He knows exactly what effect he has on me.
Lauren looks at me, her blue eyes wide. “You are a fool.”
“Geez,” I tell my future sister-in-law. “Don’t hold anything back.”
She tucks her red hair back behind her ears, and then rests her elbow on the table and props her chin up on her hand. “No, really. I’m thinking about how hard I fought against my attraction to Jameson, and how confusing it was trying to figure out what his intentions were and if he was a relationship kind of guy or if he was just looking for a friends-with-benefits situation. And here you have Drewverydirectlyclaiming that he wants you, wants to raise your kid together, wants to marry you one day…and you’re still fighting this because…?”
“Because…” The word trails off as I try to think of how to explain my hesitation. “What’s it all based on? He’s been back in my life for a few weeks. How can he know this is what he wants?”
“You’ve heard of the phrase ‘love at first sight,’ right?” Morgan asks.
“But we’ve known each other since college.”
“Correction,” Jules says, rolling her eyes. “You knew each other in college, and he’s fully admitted to having feelings for you back then. Fast forward six years, and you have a kid together, and hestillhas those feelings, but now they’re amplified by spending time with you and Graham. Yeah,” she says, sweeping her hand through the air in front of her, like she’s shooing away my objections, “maybe it’s premature to jump from there to forever. But that doesn’t mean those feelings aren’t real.”
“Okay…and also, I’m scared,” I admit quietly.
Morgan flags down the waiter as he passes our table. “We’re going to need another round over here!”
“What, exactly, are you scared of?” Lauren asks.
“Besides getting my heart broken?” The rhetorical question comes out saltier than I’d planned, but the next words are raw and honest. “I’m afraid that if Drew and I get involved?—”
“You’re already involved,” Jules interjects, but I keep going.
“—and things don’t work out with us, then not only will I get hurt, but so will Graham. He doesn’t even know that Drew is his dad yet. And if we tell him, and then Drew and I are dating…I don’t want him picturing us as a happy little family if it’s not going to happen.”
“Why do you think it’s not going to happen?” Morgan asks.
“Because men leave. Even when they tell you they love you, sometimes they still leave.”
“Like your dad and Scott?” Lauren asks. I don’t even remember if I’ve ever told her about Scott, or if she’s just heard about it from Jameson.
“Who’s Scott?” Morgan asks.
I give her the quick rundown of how long we dated, and how he was like a father figure to Graham, and how much it hurt when he broke up with me and walked right out of my and Graham’s life. “I don’t think I could watch that happen again, especially not with Graham’s real dad.”
“So, are you just planning to never date again?” Jules asks. The question is flippant, but her tone isn’t. I stare at her, trying to determine if this is a legitimate question. “Because if youeverdate again, there’s the possibility this could happen.”
“I think the next time I date someone, I’ll wait to introduce them to Graham.”
“You did wait with Scott,” she reminds me. “You guys were together for over six months before you introduced them.”
“And then a year and a half later, he was gone.” It still hurts when I remember how I’d take Graham for walks in the stroller, and every time he saw a white Subaru, he’d point at it and say, “Scott car?” or how he’d periodically look at me andask, “Where Scott?” At least now, he hardly remembers him. But those first months after Scott left were especially painful and, unfortunately, I still remember it all.
“I know this isn’t what you want to hear,” Lauren says. “But that could happen with anyone. It could happen whether you’re dating, or even when you’re married.” I watch her look away and I know she’s thinking of her late husband. “You can’t control other people’s feelings.”
“Yeah, but I do feel like I need to do everything within my power to protect Graham’s.”
“Do you think Graham is better off by you sacrificing your own happiness?” Morgan asks. “Because it kind of seems like you’re choosing to push Drew away because maybe down the road hemighthurt you or Graham. But…what if he doesn’t?”
What if he does?is on the tip of my tongue, but I hold it there, because my friends are right. Part of getting involved withanyonenew is opening yourself up to the possibility that they might hurt you.
