Page 110 of My Fiancé's Brother
I missed Jackson to the point of pain. There were a hundred times where I almost drove to the penthouse to see him, but I refrained from doing so. What exactly would I say to him? Jackson and I had no future. We had developed a friendship, but we had ruined it when we crossed that line that we couldn’t uncross. Now he knew the true extent of my feelings.
My face burned with shame as I recalled the look of panic and shock on his face when I had confessed to him that I loved him. Trust me. He didn’t want to see me. I was the crush that had taken things too far. I had done the unthinkable by falling for him and then telling him how I felt. He probably thanked his lucky stars that he had made an escape when he did.
Matt was a further complication. He was so innocent and happy when he saw me. He had no idea about the destruction and devastation of the past few months. All he knew was that we had gotten engaged and we were about to get married. He asked me question after question about the wedding and continually assured me that he would be on his feet and ready to walk down the aisle with me. I, on the other hand, was having more than cold feet. It felt like my entire body was encased in ice. I felt nothing. Nothing for Matt. Nothing for the wedding. It felt like I was stuck in some weird limbo that I could not get out of. So, like every other time in my life, I pretended. I pretended everything was okay.
Ireneand I drove to the hospital.
“Look at all the blossoms on the trees,” Irene said, peering out the window. “It seems to have become spring almost overnight.”
“Yes,” I said. “It’s come early this year.”
“You’re going to have such beautiful weather for your wedding. It’s only six weeks away.”
I took a deep breath. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”
She looked at me sharply. “What are you talking about?”
I chewed on my bottom lip. “Well, I don’t want to push Matt. He can barely walk.”
“The wedding is the only thing he talks about. He needs this. That’s his goal for recovery. You can’t take that away from him.”
I needed to tell him that we had ended our relationship. When would he be strong enough to face that he had cheated on me and then I had cheated on him? We were running out of time. “It’s just coming so fast. I don’t even know if I can get everything ready.”
She practically ground her teeth. “Then hire a damn wedding planner. But you aren’t delaying it. Can you imagine the kind of setback that could create for him emotionally?”
I swallowed. “Okay. It was just a suggestion.”
“You need to start thinking about Matt. Marriage is more about giving and less about taking. You’d be smart to remember that.”
I took a deep breath. I could do this.
Later that day,I stood in the lineup of the hospital cafeteria. My phone buzzed.
Jackson: How’s Matt doing?
I stared at the text and thought that my heart would pound through my chest.
Me: He’s getting stronger. Still struggling to walk but he’s eating and sleeping well. The doctors are pleased with his progress
Jackson: Does he remember anything?
Me: Not yet
Jackson: How are you doing?
Uh, let's see. I feel trapped. I was caught in some surreal world where I pretended everything was fine when it wasn’t. The only person who knew the truth about what had happened had left. Andmy heart was bleeding on my sleeve for someone who didn’t love me back and didn’t want to be with me.
Me: I'm fine. How about you?
Jackson: I'm fine
I wanted to tell Jackson that I missed him every hour of every day. That life was dreary and grey without him, and nothing had been right since he had left. I wanted to beg him to come back. That I needed him. That he was my rock and that I felt like I was falling apart without him in my life. But I had already freaked him out once with my heartfelt emotions. I didn’t need to go there again.
Me: The doctors don’t want us to talk about the last five months
Jackson: So Matt doesn’t know what he did to you?
Me: No. Nor what I did to him
