Page 9 of Voices
I don’t deserve her or Noah’s friendship. They’re always taking care of me and my mess. They say they like me just as I am, but I think they stick around because I don’t have any other friends.
“Sorry,” I say softly walking towards my desk.
I spot one of my old books, but I know I won’t be using it. Flipping it over to the back, I open it to the last page to a rough sketch of my brother’s sweaty, smiling face. He’s holding up the hockey trophy he won last season.
The loudness of the arena coupled with the number of people had my anxiety through the roof. I don’t even remember the game. I recall a loud horn going off, everyone in the stands cheering, and then looking up to see Benji with the trophy. I grabbed this book and just drew. I got so lost in the drawing that everyone and all the noise just…disappeared. I was able to breathe for the first time that day. It resulted in one of my best drawings that I’ll be using in my portfolio for this semester.
“Hello? Charlie, you still there?”
Shaking my head to clear the memory, I focus back on Lily. “Yeah, sorry. I don’t think I have any empty ones left.”
Looking around, I see a stack on the corner of my desk and an entire bookshelf full of them.
Not an empty one in sight.
Great.
“Ok, well, you’re an art major so you should have something to help you get through the day. Or at least until lunch.”
Rubbing my forehead, I look down at my feet. “I ordered some a few days ago. I filled the last one quicker than I thought I would.” I let out a defeated breath. “I guess I could use a notebook or something.” This is going to suck. I hate how thin notebook paper is, and the blue lines drive me crazy. I haven’t drawn on one in years.
“Well, you have to go to class. Just retrace your steps on the way there, and maybe you’ll find it.”
Always the optimist, this one.
“Yeah, ok. See you later.”
“Text one of us if you need to,” she singsongs.
Hanging up, I take a deep breath.
I can do this.
I’m twenty.
A junior in college.
Studying for a BFA degree.
Get your shit together!
Fuck, I can’t do this!
I rush to the bathroom and open the cabinet above the sink. I need to take something before my anxiety becomes too much. I stare at the bottles of benzos that line a shelf, zeroing in on the Xanax and Valium. One dose will do the trick, but if I have to go all day…
No.
I quickly pop two Valium in my mouth while turning on the faucet and bending over to fill my mouth with water. Not waiting for them to kick in, I grab my shit for class and head to the door. Checking that I have my keys, wallet, and phone, I quickly lock up and speed walk to class.
I make it to class with one minute to spare. Keeping my head down, I head to my usual seat in the back row and set up with shaking hands.
Why the fuck am I like this?
The professor walks in and starts right away. Thankful for the distraction, I lose myself in the lesson.
Fifty minutes later, I’m packing up and heading out the door.
I have twenty-five minutes until my next class, which is only a five-minute walk from here in the neighboring building. So, I head towards the woods behind the Visual Arts Building