Page 43 of Voices
“I’m s-sorry, Shane,” I stutter out, blinking rapidly to clear my vision of the tears that won’t stop.
“Shh. You have nothing to be sorry for baby. I just don’t know what’s going on.” He pulls back and kisses my forehead, lingering for a few seconds.
He wipes the tears from my cheeks, rubbing under my sore eyes. “You have the most beautiful golden eyes.” He kisses each of my eyelids slowly. Pulling away, he looks at me with a softness I’m not used to getting from anyone. It brings more tears that he gently wipes away. “I can fill the tub so you can soak in a warm bath for a little while. Just tell me what you want to do.” He strokes under my chin. What Iwantis to get high enough that I can’t think and then spend the rest of the day under my blankets. But I have a feeling Shane isn’t going home anytime soon.
“Okay,” I whisper hoarsely.
He lifts me up and carries me to the bathroom like I weigh nothing. He sets me on the counter, then walks to the tub and starts the water. He’s naked except for my black towel sitting low on his hips. There’s a big bird tattoo on the right side of his rib cage and black geometric shapes running the length of his leftarm with a big, outlined mandala flower around the edge of his shoulder. When he turns sideways, his bulge pushes against the towel, reminding me of what we did. He’s huge. At least eight or nine inches and wide, with a thick vein that runs along the bottom.
My cock makes a poor attempt at jumping at the thought.
“Do you have any Epsom salt or lavender-scented bath oils?”
What the fuck is bath oil?
I shake my head and look at him like he’s the crazy one.
“What? You’ve never used Epsom salt or a bath oil to relax?” He chuckles lightly as he grasps the bottom of my hoodie and starts to bring it up. I hesitate to raise my arms, but I don’t have the energy to deny him. He slides it up and over my head, taking the undershirt with it. A chill runs over my skin as he drops the hoodie on the floor and looks me over like a man starved.
“You’re so fucking sexy,” he growls as he runs his fingers over my pebbled nipples. His fingers bump over each of my ribs, moving down to my flat stomach, circling my belly button, and stopping at the waist of my pants.
“Can I?” he asks as he dips his fingertips below the waistband and slowly drags them back and forth along my skin, leaving goosebumps in their wake.
“Umm…” I bite my bottom lip, not sure what to say.
“It’s okay. How about I go get dressed while you get in the bathtub?”
I nod looking down at his hand that’s now resting on my thigh.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes, beautiful.” He lifts my chin and kisses me softly before turning away and adjusting himself as he walks to the tub, turns the water off, and leaves.
I slide off the counter and turn to the cabinet that has all my favorite pills in it. I glance over my shoulder at the open door,straining my ears for any sounds. I don’t hear anything, but I don’t know if that’s a good sign.
I turn back to the cabinet and stop at my reflection in the mirror. My dark hair is a tangled mess thanks to my fingers, and I also have angry red teeth marks on my bicep.
Guess the hoodie couldn’t stop all my frustration.
I move my eyes over to my chest and notice how prominent my ribs are.
What was going through Shane’s mind when he felt them? Does he think I purposely starve myself to go with the rest of my fucked-up self?
I quickly open the cabinet, where there’s a row of orange bottles waiting for me to pick my poison for the day.
The first three bottles are antidepressants I got from three different shrinks. Then there’s my go-to Perc’s and Norco’s for a delicious high, my benzos Xanax and Valium, Ritalin for the ADHD I don’t have, Ambien for the sleep apnea I don’t have anymore, and two empty bottles that are usually filled with something Pete sold me.
I need to call him.
I pick up the Xanax and shake it, realizing there are only four left.
Shit.
I do the same with the Valium and Percocet bottles. Both are low too. Fuck. My mother will have to come for a “visit” soon so she can pretend to care about me when really, she only comes to refill my bottles so I don’t “bother” Benji with my antics. I don’t know if she knows that I know that she does it or if she just thinks I’m a moron. Either way, I get what I need without having to step foot in one of her shrinks’ offices again.
My mother and father will be on campus sometime today to take Benji out to celebrate our birthday while I’m left behind. Forgotten. It used to hurt, but now I’m glad they don’t care.Father will only degrade me every chance he gets, and Mother will ignore me while doting all over Benji.
I don’t want any part of that. I’d much rather spend the day locked in here by myself.
I open the Xanax bottle and grab two of the light green pills. Tossing them back, I put the bottle back and close the cabinet. I quickly get some water from the tap, then turn around so I can avoid the mirror and make my way to the bathtub. There’s steam coming off the water, promising a sting on my skin. I look to the door one more time before swiftly dropping my pants, and stepping into the tub.
