“Are you alright?” Ikram asks softly. “You’ve been quiet for a while.”
I push all my thoughts and plans in a little box at the back of my head and turn my head to face him. His shining dark eyes, framed by long and thick lashes, are slightly narrowed in worries.
“I’m fine. Good, actually,” I admit with a chuckle. “Never thought I’d say that again.”
“What do you mean?” He asks, folding one of his legs against his chest to rest his head on his knee.
I’ve told Evie and Ikram how bad it was, but they don’t know about my desire to be done with all this. To just die peacefully with the little dignity I have left.
“The last couple of years have been rough,” I say, my voice shaking and struggling to pass through my too tight throat. “I’ve had to lean entirely on Prue, and she’s been amazing. But it gets lonely, and I was tired of being a burden.” I pause, but he stays silent, giving me the time I need. I keep my eyes locked in front of me, not really looking at the park or the people in it, but avoiding looking at him.
“And now, I’m not sure what to do. I’m still in pain, and I know that I will be until the very end. But thanks to Nate, I—I’ve been getting better. I mean, I can walk. I haven’t been able to in a really long time.”
I turn my face then, and see him nod slowly, still silent, still listening.
“Thanks to him, I’ve also met you guys. And even though she did not see it like this at first, I think you saved my relationship with my sister.”
He smiles then. Just a small tilt of his lips, but it reaches his beautiful eyes.
“And now, with Nate back in my life, with Prue finally starting to live for herself, with Evie and you… I don’t feel so lonely and tired anymore. I feel hopeful.” I pause, scared but ready to admit what I’ve slowly come to terms with.
I scoot a little closer to him, and let my head fall on his shoulder. He lifts his head from his knee in surprise, but doesn’t try to push me away or argue, and my heart is beating really fast, waiting. Waiting to see if he’ll pull away. If maybe, despite his interest and attraction to me, he won’t be ready to hear what I have to say.
“Thanks to all of you, I don’t want to die anymore. You make me want to keep fighting. To try and see it through.”
He gasps softly then, and I close my eyes, trying to force the guilt and fear away.
“I was so eager to die and end all my misery that now I’m terrified by this new desire to live. To try and be happy, no matter what time I have left. I’m terrified by the sudden hope to live, and the new fear of death,” I continue, holding back the tears, reaching for his hand to hold it in mine. “But I’m also excited to move forward. And in this new mindset that I’m slowly familiarizing with, I—I would like to go on a date with you,” I say before I lose the nerve and just sob like a scared little boy on his shoulder. “Maybe. If you’re not too scared and patient enough to deal with the broken man that I am—”
He squeezes my hand a few times, his head coming to rest on mine.
“I’m not scared,” he says softly. “And I’d love to go on a real date with you. But you’re not broken. There are a few cracks, but nothing we can’t fix together.”
I can’t help but smile, even though a few tears manage to escape my eyes, rolling freely down my cheeks, leaving spots where they land on Ikram’s tee-shirt.
Maybe I deserve a happy ending too. Hopefully in a long while, so I can enjoy happiness before the end.
20
THE LIST OF PEOPLE I WANT TO AVOID IS GETTING LONGER
Father: I am disappointed in you. Amy announced she was pregnant in yesterday’s check-up. She was sad you missed it again.
Father: Stop being so selfish, and act like a grown up.
Prudence: Sorry, new phone, who is this?
Father: Don’t play games, Prudence!
Prudence: Do I have to pretend to like women to finally live in peace?
Prudence: Because I can give it a try.
Prudence: Then Jack and I will both be fucking free from you.
Father: You will join next month’s check-up, or there will be consequences!
Prudence: Bite me.
