Page 49 of The Wonder of You
“You didn’t fail her.”
Phoenix ignores him. “I shouldn’t have let her out of the cabin, what was I thinking? I should have known after what happened with Maudie down by the river.”
“Phoenix, you didn’t know this would happen, none of us did. You think Renée would have listened to you if you had told her to stay here?”
“Maybe.”
“You’ll drive yourself insane thinking of maybes.”
“I’m going to go insane anyway, Henry. Maybe we should try to open whatever they opened in the ground. I’ll go into it.”
“It was a fire pit,” Lukas reminds him. Phoenix looks at him with wild eyes, remembering the horror that Renée fell into. Jumping in wouldn’t bring her back.
“She’ll be back and we will wait.” Henry grabs Phoenix’s hands like he is a toddler to attempt to reassure him, to stop his friend having a panic attack.
“I’ll wait, but I’ll wait here. I’m sorry, this is over,” he says honestly. He doesn’t care if it upsets his friends.
“We’ll keep the circus going, Phoenix. A break is well needed for now, but we’ll start back up, it’s what she would have wanted. And we’ll help you, we’ll take over if you need us to.”
Phoenix nods as he collapses onto the sofa.
“I will stay with him tonight, get back to Maudie.” Henry pats Lukas on the shoulder.
“Is she gone?” he whispers.
“No, she’ll be back one day, we just need to… to wait.” Henry sighs and Lukas nods as he walks away.
Chapter 35
Immortal Land
Golden Valley
1950
Toni storms into the cabin in her usual manner with Lukas following behind like a puppy catching up with the leader of the pack.
“Wake up, Phoenix,” she demands as she whips open his curtains to let some much-needed sunlight in. “When was the last time you showered? Have you even changed that suit of yours? Come on now, at least shower and wash it, then you can put it back on if you like.”
“Or I can dig out some clean trousers or something,” Lukas suggests.
“I think he wants the suit; you know how much Renée liked it.” Toni reminds him. “Phoenix, come on, get up. You must eat.”
“Piss off!” Phoenix mumbles from the comfort of his bed. While he appreciates his family checking on him, sometimes it’s too much. He knows he should shower more, open the curtains from time to time, he knows he should eat, but he can’t. He tries to imagine Renée telling him to do these things, sometimes it’s the only way he can push himself through it. Toni makes a wonderful motherly figure, but right now, he wishes she would leave him alone.
“Don’t be so rude,” she chuckles at him. “Is this what Renée would want?”
“Don’t do that,” he mutters again but he sits up this time and accepts a coffee from Lukas. He wonders how these people have tolerated him for so long, chosen family or not.
Toni sits on the side of the bed and rubs his knee.
“Phoenix, she will be back. I know it’s hard, but you’ll find her. She’ll find you.”
He doesn’t respond.
“Can you try getting up and keeping yourself healthy, though? Eat, please! I don’t want you wasting away. Your eyes are so sunken, Phoenix.” Her voice turns sad as she inspects him further. “You’ll turn to dust.”
“Happily,” he groans, knowing how miserable he sounds, but also not caring.
