“It’s not like I could tell Shane the truth,” she says. “We’re not in a relationship and I didn’t want to reveal the sexual aspects of our friendship to a reporter. I thought I did the right thing.”
“So that’s all this is to you?” I brace my hands against the desk and lean over it. “Just sex?”
“Y-yes,” she says shakily, flicking her eyes from my forearms to my face and back again.
“Well, I’m sorry to hear you say that,” I say, offering her a bit of honesty. It’s not like I expected her to say anything different, but I still feel my heart sink a bit.
“Are you? Because you seem pretty eager to get back to competing and leave this, and me, all behind you,” she says fiercely.
“It’s my job,” I say defensively. “I have my next event in two weeks. There’s a big winter stock show and rodeo outside of Bozeman that I used to do every year, and it’ll be a good place to ease myself back into things. I’ll be spending the next few weeks making sure that Bally and I are ready.”
“I knew you wanted to compete again, but I didn’t know it was happening so soon. Why didn’t you tell me about this?” Her voice breaks a bit as she speaks.
“Because I just made the decision firmly the other day,” I say, as gently as possible. “Amber and I discussed it more yesterday. I’m competing again, and I’m also going to report Brad soon.”
“Well good,” she says. “I’m happy for you then, if that’s what you want.”
“It’s not just a want. I need to keep supporting my family’s ranch. It’s doing better, but I want to be able to continueproviding for them.” I don’t mention that I want to keep providing for the rescue, too. I don’t want Beau or Candice to think I’m taking pity on them or something.
“I get that. Family is everything.” Candice looks at me, and her eyes are shining with tears. I’m not sure if she’s crying because of the mention of family, or because she’s sad to see me go.
“We could continue things,” I say. “I won’t be away all of the time.”
“I know,” Candice says, nodding. “But how often were you actually home last year? Just give me an estimate.”
“For a week here and there. But you could come with me some of the time.”
“Nathan, I don’t want a sometimes boyfriend. I don’t want to chase you around the country either, following you from event to event. I want a partner, by my side, here with me in Star Mountain. This is where my life is.”
“We could make it work. We just have to try,” I say, but I already know it’s a lost cause. And I’m not willing to plead much more—if she doesn’t want me, then fine. I’ll be fucking fine.
“Will it work, though?” she says, a tremor in her voice. “Will it work when I haven’t seen you in weeks and am stuck here alone? Will it work when women are throwing themselves at you left and right, and you’re out partying without me?”
“You know I’d never cheat on you,” I say, but shame unfurls inside of me, as I think of my father. Of what is in my blood and bones.
“And I don’t think you would,” she says, sighing. “I’m just saying that it will be complicated and difficult. Our lives are too different. You’re America’s favorite cowboy and I’m just a lonely girl in a barn.”
“Candice, that’s not true and?—”
“Yes it is. And a relationship that lasts is all I’veeverwanted. I can’t afford to try and make this work just for it to inevitably fail because of distance. I can’t handle another loss.”
It dawns on me, clear and fresh as the morning. All Candice has ever wanted—needed—is for someone to stay with her and never leave. A relationship in which I have to leave her for weeks at a time would never work. It would tear her apart. I’ve already seen how much losing Storm affected her—she doesn’t need the emotional up and down of saying hello and goodbye to me all the time. She’s not willing to take a chance on me, and I wouldn’t if I was in her shoes either.
I’ve never been able to commit to someone and have it work out in the long run—why should things with her be any different?
“You need stability,” I say hoarsely.
She nods.
“I can’t give you that right now.”
She nods again.
“I’m sorry,” I say, feeling the life go out of me. “I love you. If it makes any difference—I love you.”
She swallows, and toys with the end of her braid. “Thank you. That’s—that’s not what I expected you to say.”
“Well it’s the truth.”
