“Good,” he says softly.
The moment crackles between us, at once both sharp and electric, and soft and hazy. It’s not something I’ve ever felt before—certainly not with Ralph, and not with any other man.
I’m not sure who moves first, but our lips find each other like some sort of inevitable collision, as we’re finally untethered from everything that has been holding us back. Nathan’s lips are soft and gentle at first, but all I can think, almost immediately, ismore.
And then he hauls me against him with his free hand, giving me exactly what I want, as if he can sense it just by touching me. He presses his body into mine and groans against my mouth. His tongue parts my lips and strokes into my mouth, and he keeps his grip on my jaw gentle but firm, holding me steady as his lips devour me. My senses are overwhelmed. By his taste, his touch, his scent—leather, tobacco, vanilla.
I break the kiss for a moment, feeling like I need to catch my breath.
“Candice,” he says. “I’m sorry, I?—”
“Don’tbe sorry. I kissed you too,” I say.
Nathan still looks hesitant. “But was that too much? Was I going too fast?”
I blush for some reason, the heat rising in my cheeks despite the cold.
“No, that’s not it,” I say. “I wanted it just as much as you did. But this is all new to me. And I was feeling overwhelmed.”
“If it helps, this is new to me too.”
“No it’s not,” I say. “You’ve kissed thousands of women.”
“Well maybe not thousands,” Nathan says. “But sure. A lot. Though hardly ever during the day, and normally we skip the kissing part and go straight to, uh…” he trails off.
“I get what you mean,” I say. “What a pair we make. I’ve only ever had sex with one man, and you’re basically a cowboy Casanova, but both of us are new to kissing.”
Nathan laughs, the sound bright and clear in the frosty air. The hand on my waist tightens, drawing me closer once more. I feel safe with Nathan, like I know he’d never do anything I didn’t want him to do. And the anxiety that normally fills me whenever I’m with a man isn’t there when I’m with him, and it never has been. It’s probably because I know that Nathan and I will never feel anything but lust for one another.
A fleeting, wild thought fills my head and before I can stop myself, I’m voicing it out loud.
“You could teach me,” I say.
“What?” Nathan asks, taking a hasty step back.
I forge ahead, even though I have no idea what I’m doing. “What I know about pleasure, sex, and being with a man could fit into a thimble,” I say. “I want to be in a happy relationship someday but how am I going to do that if I’m so inexperienced?”
“That’s what a relationship is for, Candice. Practice,” Nathan says, eying me warily.
“Sure, maybe. But whenever I have feelings for someone, I get too anxious to enjoy sex because I worry I’m doing it allwrong. I always felt that way with Ralph, even though I really liked him at first. But with you, I feel totally comfortable.”
“Right,” Nathan says slowly.
“I mean it, Nathan. I want to practice. I want something casual and fun, and I want it to be with you…because…because,” I flounder, looking for the right words. “I feel like I can be myself with you. You already dislike me so much that there’s no reason to hide.” Those words surprise me but they feel honest. Maybe the reason I’m so bad with romantic and sexual relationships is because I’m too afraid of being vulnerable, and of things going wrong.
A strange look crosses Nathan’s face, almost like regret, but it’s gone in an instant. He starts rubbing a circle on my hip with his fingers, slowly tracing it over and over again. My breathing quickens, and I feel my face flush all over again, as heat slowly blooms in my core.
“Look at you,” Nathan says, raking his eyes over me. “The things I could teach you. The way I could make you feel…I’m half tempted to take you up on your ridiculous offer.”
“You should,” I whisper. “It’s a good offer.”
“Probably the best I’ll ever get,” Nathan says, almost to himself.
I don’t know what else to say to convince him, but it feels imperative that I do, somehow. I don’t want to live without this feeling—this heat, this closeness, this safety—anymore. Even if it’s nothing more than lust.
I’m so tired of being lonely.
Thankfully, before I can demean myself by begging, Nathan says, “I’ll do it. But there have to be rules.”
