“Sure,” Jenny says, crossing her arms.
We take a few minutes to browse the menu and order food, but as soon as we’re done, Jenny is back on the trail.
“So these photos,” she says, shoving her phone in my face. “They look like they were taken by someone who’s smitten with you.”
I glance down and see the first photo in the set. It’s one Nathan took of me with Maggie’s head in my lap. It’s of my profile, and soft golden hour light shines from behind my head. My hair is loose down my back and Maggie looks completely atease, her eyes closed. I guess I can see what Jenny’s saying—it’s a nice photo.
“Look, taking these photos is purely part of me and Nathan’s deal. He teaches me how to use social media, and I teach him how to train. Besides, that wasn’t a romantic moment at all. At least not for me. The ground was cold as fuck.”
“You’re wearing plenty of layers in this picture,” Jenny says.
“Oh my God. It’s thirty-five degrees outside right now. It sucked.”
“Well if it’s not romantic for you, it could be for Nate,” she fires back. “I can tell. A man doesn’t take a photo like this unless he feels something for the woman in question. He’s not a professional photographer, Candice, but a lot of care went into this shot.”
“Nathan, for all that he disgusts me, does actually care about the mission of Star Mountain Horse Rescue,” I sniff. “He loves horses.”
“Why does he disgust you, though?” Jenny presses.
“Because he’s a player,” I say, but the words feel hollow.
“And?” Jenny prompts.
“And…” I trail off. Maybe it’s time for some honesty with one of my best friends. She’d do the same for me. “The first time I met him, he ignored me for nearly the entire night. I wanted to talk to him about horses and training and competition and he just blew me off. Looked right through me and spent his time talking to my brother or flirting with women.” The memory hisses through me and reminds me of everything I dislike about Nathan, deal or not. “He only cares about women if he can get into their pants. So if those photos look romantic, that’s probably because he's good at faking it.”
“Well, that’s a pretty good reason to hate him,” Jenny says.
“It is,” I say, though a seed of doubt worms its way through me. Nathan has treated me just fine for the last couple of days.In fact, helping me out with Ralph was pretty damn honorable of him. “Nathan may not be dating around in Star Mountain but he clearly doesn’t take relationships seriously and you know how I feel about that,” I continue.
“I know,” Jenny says sincerely. “You want something long term.”
“I do,” I say.
I swallow the lump in my throat and try not to well up. When my parents died, I managed okay because I was only five and I had my grandparents. They took the place of parents—my grandpa showed me how to drive a stick and my grandma taught me how to crochet. Beau was there, too, always looking out for me. I was confused about where our parents had gone, and I was really sad. But I was surrounded by love that healed me.
Since my grandparents died, though, I’ve felt a hole inside myself, almost like losing them magnified the loss of my parents tenfold. It’s as if my body remembered what that loss was like, even if my mind didn’t, and hated feeling it all over again. For Beau, I think it’s been even worse because he remembers our parents pretty well.
I want to find someone to be with. I want to start a family of my own. Not immediately, but hopefully before I’m old and ancient. The problem is, I’m so inexperienced with men that I clam up around them. I have no idea how to act. Whenever Ralph and I would hook up, I’d spend the entire time wondering if I was doing it right. I was so anxious I never found any pleasure for myself. The obvious answer to my problems is to find someone to casually hookup with to get over my nerves, but as Jenny and I discussed earlier, it’s slim pickings in Star Mountain. Plus, I’ve known every man here since I was a kid, save for one.
“You’ll have a huge family one day, Candice, I promise,” Jenny says. “And you’ll always have me and Beau and the horses. Plus Winnie, if we can ever convince her to come here.”
“Thanks Jenny,” I say, smiling. “You’ll always have us too.”
16
NATHAN
Normally,I check my email first thing in the morning. But lately, I’ve been ignoring it for hours, afraid to look at the bad news that feels like it’s been coming every day. Brands are dropping me left and right.
So I’ve developed another habit. A really, really bad one. First thing in the morning, I open up my camera roll and scroll through the photos I took of Candice. The ones she posted and the ones I was too afraid to show her. The ones that make it look like someone who really cares about her was on the other end of the lens.
Today, there are four unread emails in my inbox and two missed calls from Amber. I cope by zooming in on Candice’s face as she looks at Maggie, and I memorize the lines of care and trust in her expression. When I started working at Star Mountain, I never expected to see so much softness from Candice. I still call her the Viper, after all. But there’s no other way to describe how she is with her horse: soft and gentle.
I wish she’d let me into her warmth, sometimes. Just for a moment.
I groan and toss my phone onto a pile of clothes in the corner. I’m fucking pathetic. And it must be because I haven’tbeen laid in a month, at least. That’s far longer than I’ve gone since I started riding competitively. There are always women looking to ride a cowboy.
I get out of bed and head to the bathroom, looking for a bit of privacy in the bunkhouse. I turn the water on in the shower, and wait a few minutes until it reaches lukewarm, which is as hot as it gets. I grip my semi-hard cock and imagine that there’s a gorgeous woman on her knees in front of me, just waiting to suck me down. She looks suspiciously like Candice: blonde wavy hair, black cowboy hat, and brown, bottomless eyes.
