No. But yes, I am also hungover.
-Candice
Five shots of tequila will do that to you.
-Beau
Five? Do you take us for amateurs, Beauseph?
-Jenny
Nate: New nickname just dropped.
-Nate
Beauseph? What does that mean, Jenny? What’s going on?
-Beau
I’d explain, but you’re too old to get it.
-Jenny
14
NATHAN
The conversationI had with Candice last night is all I can think about as I clean out Ballantine’s stall. He’s turned out at the moment, making friends with some of the other horses, but I wish he was here. If only so that I could have someone to talk to.
I replay what happened last night, over and over again. What she said to me.
Her name is Sarah. Or do you not tend to ask them that?
I know she has no idea how deeply her words cut. I know she thinks I probably love being a player. I’m sure she thought the insult would roll off my shoulders, that I’d shrug and say, well, what does a name matter when I only need to know it for one night? The old Nate probably would have said that. And meant it.
But Sarah wasn’t interested anyway—and I’m trying to ignore how much that part hurts, too. How much it stings to realize that I may not be able to go back to my old ways after all. That I fucked up so badly that women all over America will be able to smell how much of a loser I am from a mile away. The fool’s hope I had of finding someone to be with long term dies completely.
Kerry was the first woman—and only, I might add—who I tried to be committed to. We met about a year ago. She rode at the barn I’d started boarding Ballantine at and we hit it off instantly. She didn’t seem to give a shit about how many buckles I had, and that was enough to make me fall for her. Hard. After a few months, I found out that she was cheating on me, and her response when I confronted her about it was to tell me she assumed I’d been cheating as well. I remember exactly what she said, too: “You thought we were committed? As if you’d ever settle down, Nate. I’m just keeping my options open, same as you.”
Almost every single one of the guys she cheated on me with was another reiner, which just ground dirt into the wound. It was as if she was telling me I wasn’t anything special. That guys like me are a dime a dozen, apparently.
The thing was, it never even crossed my mind to cheat on her. I might be a player, but I’m always honest about what my intentions are. With Kerry, I was honest, too. I told her she was my girlfriend, and I meant it.
I should have realized that because I’d branded myself a player, no woman was going to believe I was capable of commitment. And, given Sarah’s reaction to me, it’s safe to say they no longer want me for sex, either.
For some reason, though, it’s not Sarah’s reaction to me last night that sticks in my head. It’s Candice’s.
It’s the way her eyes blinked closed when I touched her hair. The way her lips parted, ever so slightly. The way she looked at me, like she actually fucking saw me, right down to my soul.
And, it’s the way she admitted that no man had ever made her feel good.
Nevershe said, and I felt those words like a challenge. A call to arms. A gauntlet thrown into the ring.
No man had ever made her feel good? Well, I bet I could.
“Fuck,” I mutter.
I can’t be thinking about Beau’s sister that way. Not when he’s my best friend, and probably my only one at the moment, too. Not when Candice and I can barely stand one another. I set the rake down and start refilling Bally’s stall with shavings, trying my best to put everything from last night out of my mind.
