Page 33 of Courage, Dear Heart
I give her my phone.
“Wow, come to mama. He’s hot.” Sheila fans her face.
“He is. But it’s more than pretty looks. He seems to be a good man too.” I take a bite of my own gyro, chew slowly.
Sheila sets the phone on the table between us, the screen still showing the picture. “It’s a great picture. And look at you. You look happy.”
I stare at it until it fades to black. “It was a perfect day. He’s easy to be around. I didn’t feel like I had to keep my guard up around him. And Jamie was in heaven.”
“I bet.” She talks around a mouthful.
My stomach rolls. “I did a thing.”
Her head swivels to me like one of those dolls in a horror movie. “What did you do?”
I nibble at my lower lip. “I think I kind of asked him on a date, the two of us, without Jamie.”
Sheila squeals. Then starts dancing in her chair, arms up and singing, “You go, girl, you go, girl.”
I ball up a napkin and toss it at her.
“It’s about time you find someone and start dating.”
“I’m terrified. Do I even know how to date anymore? And I’m no longer that young and fearless girl who was ready to take on the world. I have a child—I gave birth. I have stretch marks on my belly, and my boobs are not as perky as they used to be.”
Sheila waves her hand dismissively. “Your body is fine. Those stretch marks you’re talking about are so faint nobody can even see them. Your boobs are fine. I know. I’ve seen you in a bathing suit. Trust me.”
I slump into the chair. “I’m not looking for a compliment. I’m being serious. I bet he’s used to dating sexy, hot, young women and I’m not it.” I can see it in my mind. Gorgeous women, with fancy clothes, perfect makeup, and shoes that cost more than I make in a week. How do I compete with that? Wait. What am I thinking? Am I jealous? No. I can’t be . . .
“Yes, you are. Beautiful, inside and out. And thirty is not old. You don’t see how guys are always checking you out. Men look at you. But you don’t even notice it because you’re so inside your own head all the time.”
“Pfft.” I point a finger at her. “Men do not check me out when I’m not looking.” And then I make crazy eyes at her for good measure. “I think you’re delusional.”
“I know what I’m talking about. You’ve always had guys coming after you. All through college, even though you and CJ were together. Or have you forgotten Brock? Chasing after you since day one of college.”
I grimace. And then stick my tongue out at her. “Don’t remind me. He was getting pushier. Hopefully, he’ll leave me alone now that Elliott told him off.”
“Because you’re too nice. You should have told him tobug off and stop trying to sleep with you long ago. But Brock was not the only one trying to steal you away from CJ. I heard more than one guy say they wished they had a shot at you when we were in college.”
“You’re saying this to make me feel better. I’ve never noticed anything like that.”
“I’m not. And that’s because you only had eyes for CJ. The two of you were blind to everything and everyone else.”
She has a point. “What do I do now? I’m so confused. A part of me is terrified, and the other part wants to go out with him. And Jamie seems to be happier too, since that day we met Elliott’s sister and made cupcakes. He was like his old self at the zoo. And I think it’s because of Elliott.” A sense of relief floods into my chest. This is the first sign that I can have my little boy back.
Sheila sits back. “Jamie is happier because you’re happier. And you’re happier because of Elliott. Jamie can see this. If that’s not a good enough reason to date Elliott, I don’t know what is.” She throws her hands up.
“You might be right.” I pick at my gyro.
“Give it a shot. What’s the worst that can happen? You have a few dates and go your separate ways?”
“I don’t want Jamie to get attached to him.” There it is. The real reason. It doesn’t feel good to say it because, honestly, I was enjoying being with Elliott as much as my son. I wouldn’t want to get attached either. The risk is too big.
Sheila tilts her head down, her eyes narrowing on me like a bull about to charge. “Just Jamie?”
Do I want to get attached to him? Do I want to getattached to anyone? “I don’t know what I want. And I’m not sure I could love anyone else like I loved CJ.”
“But you don’t have to. Whoever you fall in love with, be it Elliott or someone else, he will never be CJ. And it would be unfair to you and this future guy to compare him to CJ. What you had with CJ was rare and unique. How many people meet the love of their life in first grade?”
