I stuck my hands in the pockets of my jeans while Tally clicked the mouse of her desktop around, pulling up a chat window and a video window. She waved her hand in front of the camera and it echoed on the screen.
“Did you get your test results?”
I plucked a folded sheet of paper I’d gotten from my doctor out of my pocket and handed it to her. “Clean.”
She scanned it thoroughly, the corner of her lips curling upward before she spun and filed it in a manila folder in her desk drawer. She handed me her own sheet of paper and I pretended to read it. Natalia was so adorably thorough, I was in love with this side of her and how seriously she took it, and for once in my life sitting back and letting someone else boss me around and take the reins was like fresh air to my lungs. I could trust her the same way I could trust myself.
“I use an IUD for contraception, so we’re safe there.”
“Tal, if you wanted me to get a vasectomy in order to fuck you raw I’d take myself into the bathroom right now with a pair of scissors.”
She put her hands on her hips and blew out an amused gust of breath. The time on my watch read nine forty, and I knew from our extensive talks about this and her scheduling that at ten on Friday nights Natalia did live camera sex by herself for her top-tier subscribing audience. But this week, for the first time ever, “Natasha” would have a male guest.
“Is this really fucking weird for you, too?” She wrung her fingers in circles.
I pulled her computer chair out and sat on it backwards. “What are you talking about? I’m just visiting you at work. This is our bread and butter.”
Tally glided over and took my face in her hands. “I know you joke as a coping method, but you don’t have to make light of every situation. It’s fine if you’re having second thoughts. I want to know these things before I take it too far.”
“I’m just trying to figure out where you learned how to make a bed that tight. I haven’t seen something like that since bootcamp, Tal. Impress me more, please.”
She jutted her tongue into her cheek. “I told you this is all very procedural.”
“I’m seeing that.” I lifted my head and met her for a kiss that turned heated when I sunk my hand into her hair and flicked my tongue through the seam of her lips. It took all my strength not to lay her down on the bed with my weight on top of her. “What’s next?”
Tally crossed the bedroom to her closet and rustled through the hangers, turning toward me with two of them pressed to her chest side by side. “Red or black?”
Fuck.
She was holding two equally lacy infinitesimal pieces of lingerie. My stomach flipped and a rush of pressure made itself known in my groin. “Red,” I said between clenched teeth. I abandoned the computer chair the second she slipped her shorts down her legs. “But I might rip them in half, so I’d say go with whatever set you like less.”
“We have to talk about this.” She tried to wrangle me, but I caught her around the waist, then plucked her spaghetti straps from her arms and hooked a finger into the neckline of her tank, tugging it down until her round breasts sprung free. I was admittedly very distracted by the smell of her skin, and the soft way she laughed at everything I did. She was delicate and gorgeous but also passionate and strong. I felt completely inadequate and undeserving of her on my best days, and focusing on anything other than Natalia was debilitating for me.When I wasn’t with her I thought about her, and when I was with her, I was obsessing over her. I was entranced, and I knew no one else would understand it. Not Pike, not the boys, not my brother. They’d probably think I was fucking nuts for doing this.
Maybe I was.
“You talk.” I took one of Tally’s nipples into my mouth and her back arched toward the sensation. “I’m listening, angel.”
“This is serious.” She pulled my head back up. “Tonight’s live stream is relaxed. We feel out the audience for what they might want to see and go with the flow. We can make a game plan if you’re more comfortable with that. Or we can start slow and move onto sex as you open up, but I need you to remember that I’m not expecting anything at all from you, Mateo.”
Up until that moment I’d been brushing off my nerves as excitement. In my mind it was simple—I was having sex with Natalia like I’d done dozens of times before. I wasn’t afraid of the audience. I couldn’t see them so I could pretend they weren’t even there, but the pressure I felt to performfor heroutweighed all of that. I was terrified of fucking this up for Tally. To not be good enough, or sexy enough, or well trained enough to make her proud of me. That simple insecurity was tearing me apart. What if she never wanted to work with me as a partner again? What if, after all this, she decided she didn’t want me anymore?
The day she told me she was a cam girl, I knew that it wasn’t going to change the way I felt about her. She was fucking brilliant, level-headed, careful, and calculated, and she held so much respect for herself that I couldn’t help but respect her exactly the same way. Maybe another man might be too jealous for this or too possessive, and there was nothing wrong with that, but I looked at Natalia and I wanted to lift her up on my shoulders and shout at the top of my lungs. I wanted to show her off, wanted other people to look at what was mine and wish with all their might that they’d ever have a chance. She comes hometome, sleeps inmyarms, makes love tomeand no one else. Never again.
“I’m following your lead.” I dropped my forehead to hers. “If I need a break, or I need to stop, I’ll tap your ankle.”
“I’ll do the same,” she said. “Let’s talk about limits. This will change depending on what we’re filming, but for live cam I’m not comfortable with any type of physical degradation. No slapping, hitting, spitting is a hard pass, and if you pee on me I will smoosh your face in it like a dog.”
“Understood.” I cracked a smile. “I also concur with those.”
“Unless we plan it, I don’t want to be tied to anything. You can restrain my wrists or ankles with your hands, hair pulling is fine, and light choking is A-OK. Doggy or missionary look better on camera, but I’m not married to either.” Tally took a steadying breath. “Do you have anything for me?”
I did have a request. It was selfish, and I’d been thinking about it for days knowing this night was coming after we first discussed the possibility. There were things I was okay with, and things I wanted to keep just for myself given our unique arrangement. If Natalia and I were going to do this, bare all, have sex for an audience, I needed one thing.
“I don’t want you to come.”
Her eyes widened. “Oh.”
“I’m okay with sharing parts of you, Tally. But not that. I want that to belong to me.”