I readjusted in the chair. “I think I feel valuable to my friends and family when I’m providing for them.”
“Do you need to provide something to feel valuable?”
“Isn’t that how it works?”
“Should you not be enough on your own without a form of currency attached to it?”
“Are you going to answer everything I say with another question?”
He scratched another word onto the lined pad and my skin started to itch. Not because of the writing anymore, I was more worried over the thought of attaching all my value to acts of service. It brought me back to Delta, being the point man for my unit, because being the go-to in a high-stress environment likethatdidmake me feel like I was providing something invaluable to the men I served with. Being the leader, the captain, was the most important and worthy I’d ever felt. When I came home the rush of that depleted. I wasn’t a soldier anymore, not in the way that I was used to. The full heart, body on the line, dying for my country soldier. I was a civilian, and there weren’t many things I could do in life that felt asimportantas that. The high was what I’d been trying to recreate. To fill my cup with, and I was struggling hard with the reality that I might never do something that would make me feel quite as indispensable again.
It was why I was afraid of letting down my family, why I couldn’t say no to anything. I wanted to be all the things I could possibly be at once. The best son, the one who didn’t complain, the one who was available, the one who had space in his house for extended stays, and a beautiful wife, and possibly grandchildren. It was why it was so fucking impossible for me to give up control at work and hire someone to help me with TechOps after Pike left. My clients expected a certain level of quality from me and I couldn’t chance letting a new face, or a new hire, half-ass it. I felt valuable for offering Pike that job, and I’d feel valuable again when I hired Angelo.
Then there was Tally. I never thought about why I was so accepting of the sex work, so eager to join in on it, so open to it. I always chalked it up to…being there for Tally. I wanted whatever she wanted, and would do anything for her, so being part of her life in that way was never something I hyperanalyzed. But maybe the reason I agreed to join her on camera was because it would make me morevaluableto her. Until two minutes ago I also never viewed myself as a good to be exchanged, either. I wasn’t fully convinced I did, but I was more inclined to pay attention to the way I interacted with the people in my life on account of it. Did I think that she might find me expendable if I never started sex working with her? Was that the driving force in becomingan online pair? That if I didn’t do it, she might find someone else who would? All the memories of our first conversation surrounding it came rushing back.
No.
That wasn’t it.
I loved working with her. It was as much of a joy for me to make her films as it was for her to do the directing and choreography. We were well oiled, no pun intended, and we cared deeply about one another. I had all the free will in the world with Tally, and if I truly wanted to stop working on camera tomorrow, she would never ask me again, no questions.
But I didn’t want that. I was certain I didn’t.
“The military has been half of my life,” I said. “It was the only thing that mattered, until it didn’t. That change was like jumping off a cliff and hoping I missed the rocks at the bottom and landed on something soft or wet.” I found a piece of bark on the tree outside the window to stare at. “Maybe you’re onto something, Doc. I could be trying to recreate a familiar feeling, but if I’m being honest I was the kind of kid growing up that was more worried about pleasing my parents than anything else. I joined the Army and that was the worst thing I could have done, because it was the first time I’d chosen a thing my parents didn’t completely approve of. They made that very clear. Then I got discharged and instead of going back to New York I moved to Florida to avoid them for even longer.”
“Because you thought if you avoided them you couldn’t be responsible for disappointing them? Or the burden of value would become too heavy?”
Something about that hit a nerve, but felt correct. True.
“Maybe,” I agreed with a low murmur. “There’s a lot of stress that comes from it, that provokes other kinds of panic. I shut down when I don’t feel?—”
“Worthy?”
I swallowed, tugging the collar of my shirt away from my hot skin. Doctor Brinckler wrote one more thing down on his notepad and uncrossed his legs, placing it on the table between us. He rolled his sleeve up and looked at his watch.
“That’s about all the time we have today,” he said. “It goes quick, doesn’t it?”
“Time flies when you’re trauma dumping,” I jeered.
Henry stood and his crow’s feet deepened with his smirk as he headed toward the door, swinging it open and stepping a foot outside. His voice carried and I could hear him telling his receptionist he was taking an hour for lunch.
He was out of sight, and I couldn’t help myself as I passed the notepad on my way to the door, needing to know what he wrote down. After all, he’d left it in plain sight on the table. I glanced at the paper, turning it toward me to read what was important enough to write down. As soon as I did a humored scoff gusted out of me. The top of the page saidGrocery Listand below it he had listed bread, milk, and condoms.
My tongue clicked against my teeth, and I reached down, tearing the yellow page from the legal pad and shoving it into my pocket. I half expected him to be standing in the doorway as a witness to the little joke, but he never came back.
Before I left the office I made another appointment.
chapter forty-one
Natalia
The last twoweeks before the wedding flew by. I picked up my gown and the rings, confirmed all the final touches and head counts with the venue and my vendors, did a trial run on hair and makeup with my stylist, and put together the gifts for our wedding party—given I still had a wedding party.
We were driving to Key West in three days, and I hadn’t had a full conversation yet with Isabella and Camilla. One group text, verifying that everyone had their dresses, was the most I’d received. I couldn’t care less if they showed up in their birthday suits, as long as they showed up. They’d had more than enough time to figure out how they felt about me and my little secret. It was either going to work out, or it wasn’t. I had become resigned to the latter.
I left the house to go shopping at the grocery store, attempting to try out a recipe Mateo’s mom had written down for me. It turned out cooking food instead of ordering itwasin fact more financially responsible and nutritious, although I hated to admit it. Somewhere, a food delivery service was going bankrupt in my absence. I wasn’t gone long but when I pulled in the driveway, an extra car was there parked on the road besidethe mailbox. Bella was sitting on the small concrete step on the front stoop.
My heart skipped over itself seeing her there. Pattering hard and then falling into the pit of my stomach just as quickly. My mind went to disaster immediately. My sister was no coward, so she’d likely come to tell me that my time was up and either I came clean to our parents or she would. Bella pushed her cat eye sunglasses into her short bob of hair as I approached carrying two arms full of heavy paper bags. I stopped at the edge of the stone walkway with a raised brow.
