This time, she looks surprised.“Sorry?”
“Yes. Because I should have been stronger.”
“I’m not strong... I’m hungry,” She frowns.
I remember. Every day was a struggle back then. We didn’t find enough for both of us to eat and went many days without having anything. I hate those memories... Striving to survive, looking for scraps among the trash... My scar, too, probably wouldn’t have been so wide and visible if it had been appropriately treated.
“It gets better,” I say.
“Not for me. I’ll stay here, hungry. I’ve always been here.”
I don’t get it. Isn’t she a memory...? Why is she there, why would my wolf show me that? I turn to look at the white wolf again. She is glaring. Is she another memory, too? I never wasin that form without a scar... What is she, then? I turn to my younger self again.
“Why don’t you go to the wolf?”
“What wolf?”
She can’t see her? I point to the wolf’s direction, but she just looks confused. Why can’t she see her? Oh right, I couldn’t feel my wolf yet back then... Is this the reason? What can I do? There is no food here.
“What do you need then?” I ask.
She suddenly starts crying. “You should know! Why don’t you give it to me!”
I shake my head, helpless. “I don’t have any food...”
“I don’t want food! I don’t care about food! You never give it to me!” She cries, tears overflowing.
She doesn’t want food? She said she was hungry! I look at her crying, lost at what to do. What is it she wants, then? I don’t have anything. Behind us, the wolf is calmly sitting down, staring at everything I do. Is she waiting for something too...?
The little girl keeps crying, but I have no clue what she wants... What did I want back then? I was only starving... Day after day, it’s only a blur now. I was lost after my parents’ death, and Alec suddenly closed himself to me; I was all alone.
I was so lonely... I look down at her, and all of a sudden, my emotions go back to who I was. I start crying, too, my heart breaking from that loneliness. It was so hard... Cold, hungry, and lonely. There was no one to help me.
I crouch down facing her, and start caressing her hair gently. “It’s going to be okay... We will make friends later. We will have so many people around us, you’ll see! Damian, Liam, Nate, Bobo, Tonia...”
“You’re lying!”
“No, I’m not! I promise. We have so many people caring for us in the future.”
“It can’t be. No one wants me.”
“You...”
She won’t believe me. Why would she? I never believed anyone would want me back then. Suddenly, I feel awfully lonely, too. I want Damian... I want him to take me in his arms.
“I hate you,” she says.
“I’m sorry...”
“You hate me, too!”
“I don’t hate you!”
She keeps glaring at me. She’s wrong, I don’t hate her... I don’t hate my past. I learned to live with it, even the worst of it, even the saddest memories. What is she craving then?
Suddenly, I realize. I was so lonely back then, I had no one. No one wanted me, no one loved me. ...Not even myself. I stare at her again. She’s the me I never loved—the weak, pitiful me. I remember Damian’s words... He said it’s okay for me to be scared, and it’s okay for me to be sad. Did I ever allow myself to cry like this as a child? I convinced myself I had to be quiet... I had to live as if I was invisible. Alec convinced me I didn’t deserve anything. Even worse, I convinced myself of that too.
I bow down and hug the little child against me. I caress her hair, trying to think of how I wanted a simple hug back then.
