In the morning, I call Ve again. I miss him so much, but it’s weird. It’s as if he grew accustomed to my absence. He talks with such… indifference. We’re going back in three days, and I’ll finally see my darling, but I’m afraid it won’t make a difference to him. Curious, these feelings inside me. Am I fooling myself or is he actually growing distant? What the crap is this?! I miss him so goddamn much. First, he seduces me, intoxicating me with his very presence, and now he’s just going to leave me hanging? It’s like I’m on some fucking rehab! Or maybe it’s just his way of dealing with how much he misses me too? Maybe he’s really afraid I’ll hurt him? Maybe that’s why he’s withdrawn and closed off. I think I’m going crazy with all the thoughts, emotions, andfeelings. I feel so, so bad. I need to blow off some steam, take my mind off these things.
Water World was the plan for today. Me and Ivy didn’t want to go, but her parents dug in her heels. She told them she wouldn’t go alone, and her friends don’t have the cash to afford it. Her poor parents decided they’d send her some more cash and pay for one of us to go with her. Iris and Vicks don’t go, so one of the adults has to stay.
We’re splashing and sliding at the water park when a bunch of Italians come over and ask if we’re going to the party tonight. I promptly tell them to go fuck themselves, which makes them leave, calling us names in their language.
I check my phone. Of course there are new texts. They are even worse than the last ones. Supposedly, Ve’s ex invited him to a party. She’s a “sexy ass bitch” and all the boys go hard as soon as she shows up. If they were in Ve’s place, they’d dump me without a second thought. There was also something about the thing between us heading south because Ve doesn’t trust me. Which would mean he won’t believe that I haven’t cheated on him and haven’t been drinking during summer camp.
It’s strange, because Ve told me he was a virgin. I know nothing about his past, but I didn’t think he had ever been with anyone. I’m starting to feel uneasy. There’s a new fear filling me, leaving a painful stab in my heart. I think I’m going to puke.
In other texts they call me names, like ugly whore. They even disrespect Vicks. Fucking idiots.
Add to that Ve’s silence, and I’m growing really suspicious. I feel horrible. I can’t imagine what would happen to me if even one of those texts had a grain of truth in it. I won’t survive a breakup. I’ve never, ever loved anyone this much! Fucking hell, I keep bringing this shit on myself! I knew it like this would happen. The question is: am I some fucking seer that can see the future, or is it just my fears and beliefs that caused this clutter ofthoughts that decided to become reality all of a sudden? That’s beyond me. No way to be sure. I have no idea what’s fact and what’s fiction.
After returning to the hotel, I put on Ve’s shirt and breathe in his scent. The girls went somewhere. Ivy’s asleep. I’m sitting on the terrace and watching the stars, like every night, thinking that somewhere out there my Connor might be doing the same, thinking about me. Eh, stop kidding yourself, Abby.
Why is Ve so difficult to talk to? Why does he rile me so much? Why can’t he speak plainly? I still suspect he’s hiding something, that he isn’t telling me everything. There’s always that fucking question mark hovering above us. What does he really think? What does he feel? One thing’s for sure: he’s never overly effusive in what he says. I wonder if he’s so self-focused or he simply doesn’t care. Why am I the one who always gets stuck in that fucking loop? That same one I was in before I met him? And again, there’s that feeling of insufficiency. It destroys me. It’s such a burden. I can’t breathe. How do I fight it? How do I fix it? It’s so goddamn difficult!
I get up for a while, put on some music, grab Ve’s photo, and return to the terrace. If he didn’t care, if he didn’t love me, he’d already have fucked me and dumped me, right? Guys can’t talk about love and that’s a fact. But his first “I love you” sounded sincere. He didn’t only say it to score. No! He can’t hurt me. He told me he never would, and I trust him.
I call Ve first thing in the morning. He tells me he’s not going to the party, so I shouldn’t freak out. He’s going to come over on Saturday at eleven. Then he says he’s sorry that he hasn’t texted me, but he was going from one doctor to another.
I feel better already. Interesting… I only had to listen to what my heart was telling me, ignore my stupid head, filled to the brim with irrational fear. My heart! It reminded me of his promises. That was enough to change the direction our conversation was taking.
Chapter 34
Abby
The day ticks away, with us catching the last rays of sun and packing up our stuff. Of course, with all that we spent on clothes during the trip, we have exactly nothing to spend on food for the way back, so we’ll have to get by with what the hotel gives us. We also exchange postcards, writing something nice to one another. My card has all kinds of texts saying things like: “For my great girl!” and so on. There’s one that got me thinking, though, at the very bottom: “You’ve changed, gone quieter, withdrawn”. That’s the truth. I noticed it myself. I was always the one to inspire others to do things and fool around. I used to smile all the time and be happy. But I’ve felt different lately, like I’m losing a part of myself. Was that really me, though, or did I just develop a habit meant to protect me from being ridiculed, humiliated, or left out. I’m shy by nature, after all, but I can also fight for myself. There’s no telling what causes those behaviors. Maybe I’ve become myself only now. Maybe I don’t need to be the life and soul of the party. Maybe I don’t need parties at all. Maybe he’s chipping away at my facade, uncovering who I am at heart, making me become myself? I doubt Ve knows me through and through, though. I don’t know…
Around nine in the evening we go to the beach one last time. An hour later we join the rest of the group. We’re back at the hotel by midnight. Ivy and I, that is. Iris and Vicks went to the bar with the boys. We’re about to board the bus soon. There’s still a stop at Avignon on the way back. Can’t say why. Who cares about that dump? I need to get back already!
The bus arrives with the next batch of people from our town. They’ll take our places at the hotel. I find Madeline. She likes to hang out at the Den with the guys, so I pester her with questions. She calms me down. Right after we finish talking, Ve texts me. This time I’m sure it’s him!
Hey there, honey bear. Listen: nobody, not one person will destroy what we have. The only one who can do this is you.
You know I always do what I want and never regret anything. And you know what and who I want.
My eyes water. My vision blurs. There’s a pleasant warmth in my heart. It’s so blissful. Those are the most beautiful words he’s ever sent me. I want to shout at the top of my lungs: “I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!”
We’re on our way, but I don’t feel like talking to anyone. I put on headphones and listen to “The Real Slim Shady”.
My happiness doesn’t last. Another batch of texts comes, talking about Ve going cold turkey. He received blood test results before I left. Now he’s going from hospital to hospital, but he didn’t want to tell me. Didn’t want to ruin my vacation. He keeps dropping things, hitting his head on the wall. Only his dad knows about all this.
I’m so worried. I had no idea! I don’t know what happens to people suffering from withdrawal. How do I help him? I can’t allow him to wreck his life and touch that shit anymore! We’ll get through this together!
Finally, we arrive home. Lucas is already waiting for Ivy. My mom has come for me. I say goodbye to my friends, and Mom takes me with her to buy groceries. Meanwhile, I conclude that I won’t be able to last until eleven. I’m not going to wait for Ve. I’ll go visit him instead. At home, I take a bath, change into new clothes, and run straight to him. I’ve been awake for the past forty hours. I couldn’t sleep so I listened to music the whole way to keep myself from thinking too much. I’m drained, but I’ll manage.
When I approach the door, my knees are weak and my heart is literally trying to burst from my chest. I knock, and there he is—my Ve. I slam into him and embrace him as hard as I can.
“I’ve been missing you so much! I love you so much,” I whisper.
He draws me close, his feelings for me apparent.
“My angel,” he says and kisses me on the lips. “Let’s go inside.”
“Good morning,” I call out. I can’t be sure anyone’s home.
“Good morning,” Connor’s mom replies.
