He looks me in the eyes, leans in, and presses his lips to mine, opening them with his tongue. I return the kiss, lost in the moment. Larry sits on the toilet and pulls me towards himself. I straddle him. I can feel his bulging erection right underneath my pussy. We’re divided only by the thin fabric of his pants and my leggings. I’m not counting the lace panties. I feel a strange arousal, simultaneously happy that I’m not naked. Otherwise I would have been riding his dick by now.
I feel suddenly nauseous. I push myself up, find the bathroom, and throw up. What the hell did I do? I hate myself like never before. I fish in my handbag and find chewing gum. Thank god. I get my makeup in order. Larry’s not asleep anymore when I go out again.
“Hi, babe.”
“Where are we? How do I get home?” I pretend I don’t see how horny he is.
“I’ll order you a cab.”
A few moments later, leaving, I ask him, “We didn’t do more than kiss, did we?”
“No, we didn’t. Unfortunately. I’m not the kind of guy who would take advantage of a girl in your state.”
“That didn’t stop you from pushing your tongue into my throat,” I hiss.
“Well, can’t say I regret that one,” he says with a grin. I’m seeing red.
“I’d like to ask you to keep this between us.”
“Of course. As you wish.”
Luckily, the cab is here. It’s ten in the morning when I reach Connor’s store. What am I supposed to tell him? I knock and ask the manager to call him.
Ve emerges. He looks… disappointed? I don’t blame him.
“Abigail, you’re back? Where the hell have you been?”
I have no idea what to tell him and how to behave, so I do the only thing that comes to my mind—I pretend I don’t know what his deal is. I learned from the best, after all.
“I need the car. I came for the keys.”
“Can you even drive?”
“Get me the goddamned keys, Connor!”
He vanishes inside and returns a moment later, handing me the keys and going back to work without another word. I stand frozen for a moment longer, wondering if I should drive. I conclude that it’s going to be okay. I get in the car and take off.
At home, I walk Lola and feed her, and jump straight into bed. Luckily, this is my day off. Before I fall asleep, I reflect that the thing between Connor and I has died of natural causes. There’s no telling if he’s even interested in me anymore. Or does he just keep it down, because he can’t communicate like a normal person?
We spend the holidays at my parents’ place. I’m struggling the entire time. I don’t know what I want. I’m so lost. Larry told me he’s in love with me. I tried pushing that away, but I really do like his company. I crave more of it. He’s treating me like a princess. Adores me. Meanwhile, Connor acts despicably. He called me a plank in bed again when he was trying to fuck me. And maybe he was right. I don’t know how to deal with his indifference. I keep thinking what that bitch is doing with him. What else could she be up to? Since he watched porn, maybe she managed to convince him to let her give him a blowjob. If it’s nothing to him that she touched him at work, who knows what else she did and where else she touched him? The thought of it hits me like a punch. The anger that overwhelms me burns away any guilt I had after the disastrous company Christmas party.
For many days, I’ve been desperately seeking acceptance and appreciation. In such extreme situations, I can’t control myself. I need closeness so much. I crave the feeling that someone wants me and values me. It pushes me into the clutches of hell, sets the wheels of a vicious cycle in motion. Every moment with Larry makes me feel loved again. Maybe my body subconsciously locks up at Ve’s touch. I don’t know. I don’t care anymore. I love him, but I’m tired. I want peace. This is tearing me apart. We oscillate between extremes—either attracting each other in a million ways or repelling just as intensely. In any case, I’m starting to feel bad about myself. I’m not the same as I was with him at the beginning. Once, his presence made me shine brighter than ever before. Now, it feels like he’s deliberately extinguishing that glow. I need a break because my mind is a mess. Besides, I cheated on him by kissing Larry. No matter how drunk I was, I shouldn’t have done that. I kissed Craig too. Damn it, I’m a walking disaster. Flawed, messed-up Gail. I killed this relationship. His indifference pushed me into the arms of another. I have to end this.
“Ve, listen, I need to talk to you.” I know that what I’m about to do will end in one of two ways: either it does nothing to him or it kills him outright. But I feel so bad that I need some time alone.
“What’s wrong, baby?”
“We should spend some time apart.”
A look of surprise appears on his face.
“What are you saying?”
“I mean, we should live separately.”
“Do you want to break up?”
“I want a break.”
