I may have guessed it, but hearing him say it does things to my heart, to other parts of my body. He’s right, he doesn’t deserve this, doesn’t deserve any of the lies I’ve spun. God, I’ve made such a mess of everything.
“I want you too. I want something real, but I can’t have what I want. I couldn’t with Jack and I can’t with you. And he left because of everything I can’t give either of you. I saw the way you looked at me downstairs, like we could be a family. I want it too, Henry, but I can’t give you that.”
I collapse onto the bed and hug my knees to my chest, cover my face in my hands because I’m so tired of him seeing me cry.
“A family? What do you m—” I see his mind work as he tilts his head up toward the ceiling, like he’s finally seeing what happened in the hospital that he was too manic to understand at the time. “Lucy, that changes nothing for me. How could you think that?” He comes to sit beside me, takes my face in his strong hands. “Jack is a dick and I should have killed him when he showed up at our house.” He knew about that? Did Graham tell him? “Please don’t let that numbskull ruin our future together.”
Future. I’m so sick of that word. I don’t want to think about the future, it only makes me sad. I want to think about the past, when I had my mom, when I had hopes and dreams for a real-life fairy tale, when I used to plan what names my children would have and where we would take our family vacations.
I stand up, removing myself from his embrace, and start rubbing my necklace vigorously, pleading for the hope it’s supposed to give me.
“I’ve disappointed everyone I’ve loved, Henry.Everyone. I couldn’t even grant my mother’s dying wish.”
Saying this out loud breaks something inside me. I can’t stop picturing her face from that final day we had together. All the promises I made that I’ll never get to keep. Will I ever stop feeling like a failure?
“Henry, I’m not—I’m not good enough for you. You deserve everything out of life. I’m getting another surgery in a few months, and after that, I’ll barely be me anymore. I’m just trying to do the right thing here. You shouldn’t waste any more of your time loving me.”
“Do you honestly believe any of that matters to me? Because it doesn’t.” His voice starts to crack. “Itdoesn’t.”
“Right now, you might think you know what matters most to you, but that will change. I can’t disappoint you too.”
“Lucy, I love you.You—not what you can give me. I couldn’t care in the slightest whether or not you can bear children. It’s inconsequential to me.”
“Don’t say that to me. Don’t say it because deep down you have to know it’s not true. Even if you think it is, it’ll change. You’ll resent me. You’ll always be disappointed that you didn’t have a child of your own—with your blood, and your brain, and your perfect cheekbones.”
He looks like I’ve slapped him.
Good. He gets it. He knows I’m right.
“I’m sorry, Henry. You shouldn't have brought me here. I can leave. I can—”
“You’re not leaving. I’ll sleep in the other room, give you some space.” His words are clipped, all the emotions from moments ago have been sucked out of this room.
“I really shouldn’t stay here. I don’t want to upset you anymore. I’m sure I can find a hotel, get a flight out in the morning.”
“Just . . . stop, okay? If you want to go home tomorrow, we’ll go. If you want to go back to London, we’ll go. If you want to go to bloody Morocco, I’ll take you there instead.” I look at him incredulously. “Sorry. Just—stay here tonight, there’s literally nothing around here and the trains have all stopped anyway. I’ll leave you be, we can talk in the morning.” He drags his hand through his hair, down his face several times. He looks horrible. And it’s my fault. It’s always my fault.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I never wanted things to end like this.” I’ve lost control of my tears again, can feel the dehydration headache setting in. He places a hand on my shoulder.
“Nothing’s ending, Luce. You’re really fucking testing me here, but I meant it. I’ll always be in your life, no matter how hard you try to shove me out.” He gets up and crosses the room to the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? No running. It’s very dangerous out there.”
And he’s gone.
I’m alone again,and I can’t stop crying, and I have no one to blame but myself.
Am I being irrational? I so badly want to believe his words, that it doesn’t matter to him, that itwouldn’tmatter to him. No, I saw the doubt in his face, the look he gave me after everything was said. He sounded so full of conviction, but his eyes betrayed his confidence immediately.
What do I do from here? He told me not to leave, and I admit, I would have no idea where to go, but what about tomorrow? The next day? I have to move out now, have to sever myself from this life that I love. Will I ever stop running? I’ve never needed my mom as much as I do right now.
I grab for my phone. Graham has been texting me pictures of Rowan just about every hour since we left. I wish I would have brought him with us, even if Dr. Wasserman assured me it wasn’t necessary. I need something to hold on to right now, something to tether me to anything other than my thoughts of Henry.
Me:
I think I may have fucked up again
Teddy Graham:
Well that was bound to happen. Fix it
