Page 9 of SEAL's Doorstep Baby
I throw a hand out, grabbing tight on the counter behind me to keep myself upright.
Carefully, breathing hard out of my nose, I manage to steady myself.
Emily looks peaceful, like she is sleeping and likely to wake up if I could shout loud enough. Her face is free of all but a few scratches, giving credence to my thought that she might just be sleeping, even though the coroner standing just outside the door proves that she really is gone.
I stare at her form, the rest of her body from neck to feet, still and unmoving under the sheet covering it.
Coming in contact with death so often might be what has blinded me to its true nature. It didn’t only visit battlefields. It was in the farm, the plains, the street, and the kitchen, too.
I wish she had stayed home, and just let me come to her. We would be together now, separated by nothing more consequential than distance.
I reach out a hand, slowly. My fingers shake as I gently brush her hair with my fingertips.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” I whisper. There is so much I’m sorry for, and I don’t know if I would be able to name everything even if I had a full day with her. “I’m sorry you didn’t think I’d be in your corner from day one of you having Maddie. I always knew you’d make an amazing mom, and I wish I had told you that sooner. That’s another thing I’m sorry for.”
My regrets are many and varied. I feel like I could choke on them.
Though I hadn’t planned on saying anything, on doing anything but the identification, it’s like now that I’m looking at her—at who she was—everything is bubbling up. The words start to spill, faster and quieter.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t home more often, I know I could have been a better brother and stayed home more even if it meant refusing more missions. I could have been there more for you. I always thought we would have so much time together—you are barely twenty-five. I could have sworn we would have decades together, that’s if I didn’t bite it on a mission before then. It was supposed to be me who died too young. Not you, Em. But now there’s no time left.”
I rub my hands over my face, inhaling deeply. I feel sick to my stomach. The chemical smell of this room—the white pale skin of her face—the bile in my throat.
“It’s too late to change any of what has already happened, but I can promise to be better for Maddie.” I pause in my apology, asthough I am waiting for a reply because, with all my heart, I wish I could get one more reply from her. I want to hear her tell me it’s okay, and I am forgiven for all my faults and failures.
“I can’t forgive myself. I wish you were here to grant me forgiveness. Absolution. But that’s not happening. In place of that, I am the one who wants to give you something. And that’s a promise. A promise that I will take care of Maddie. She may not know you the way I did, but she will know you. She’ll know who you were, the kind of person you were. She’ll always be able to say she knew you, okay, Em? I won’t let her forget you. I won’t let anyone forget anything. I won’t let that happen.”
I press my fingers to my lips, and then I lay them against her forehead. One last kiss for my baby sister.
Goodbye, Emily.
Chapter four
ALLISON
The door opens as Jacob walks in, lugging big boxes of stuff from my car with him. Maddie’s laughter in combination with her grabbing at his hair makes it clear that she wants her uncle’s attention as he passes us to drop the bags near the couch.
I hadn’t realized how empty Jacob’s house felt until I saw him filling it with Maddie’s stuff. I’d been here for days now, but hadn’t really ventured farther than the kitchen, bathroom, and the living room.
I shift, pulling her away, bouncing quickly to reduce the tantrum I know she is capable of throwing. The last few days have been an endless route of Maddie going from my arms to his, refusing to be happy with either. I know in my heart it’s her confusion. She’s missing her mother, but the lack of sleep I’m dealing with is at least a buffer between me and the all-consuming grief I am feeling.
Mentally going through the stuff we’ve already moved into Jacob’s place, I look at the new boxes.
Jacob takes Maddie from me who, at first, is delighted, but almost immediately realizes she didn’t want this either. Jake and I make eye contact, a moment of brief solidarity, before his expression shutters and we’re back to that same old standoff.
I sigh, pulling out a half-empty box of diapers.
“Are there more of the things we need at Emily’s place?” he asks, worry evident.
“Yeah, some of it—enough to last us through the weekend, at least.” A nod from Jacob shows he understands. “Are you planning on… staying here? Permanently?”
Jacob looks at me with a frown. “As opposed to…?”
“Emily’s apartment.”
He freezes. “I’m not sure.”
I nod. “It’s just… I live really close to Emily’s.”
