Page 41 of The Embrace of Evergreen
I’m thrown by the abrupt change of subject but quickly push my personal confusion aside and shift back to my normal professional persona.
“Things are going really well. This is an extremely interesting industry, and everyone working here at the gallery and at all the shops seems very competent and, for the most part, excited about the merger into one entity. Because everyone has had nearly everything in order for me, things are moving faster than I anticipated, and the loans for the purchase of shops should be finalized next month. I’m confident that we’ll wrap thingsup slightly ahead of schedule and without too many hiccups.”
Max smiles her kind, caring, almost secret smile. “I meant, how are things going with you, Ethan?”
“With me?” Why in the world is she asking about me? What does she want me to say?
“I’ve been watching you since you arrived, but I have to admit, I’ve stepped it up a little lately. Though, saying that out loud certainly makes me sound a tad…creepy.” She laughs her quiet, musical laugh, and it’s hard to be insulted or upset even though I don’t really know what to make of the fact my boss has apparently been studying me like I’m a laboratory specimen.
“You’ve changed, Ethan. You’re a quiet man, introspective and observant. I like that about you, but when you arrived, it was more than that. You seemed a bit…lost. You don’t seem lost now. You seem happy here.”
I see Max nearly every day, but we don’t really interact on a personal level. In fact, we rarely see each other for more than a few minutes at a time. How has she seen so much? I realize now that I’ve been unhappy for a long time, but it’s hard to believe it’s been so bad that it was obvious to a woman I don’t really know outside of the office.
“I am happy here.” My voice breaks over the words, and I don’t know how to sit here and acknowledgeall that I’ve managed to find since coming to Seattle without breaking down and crying in front of my boss.
She nods once with that same knowing smile.
“You fit here, Ethan, and I’d like you to consider staying. You’ve done a wonderful job so far, and I’m not getting any younger. Taking on the financial management of such a large and newly merged business isn’t something I want to undertake. One way or another, I’ll hire someone else to oversee things for me, but I’d truly like for that person to be you.”
“You want…to stay…you want me to stay? Like…forever?” How is my voice this high and squeaky? I didn’t even know it could sound like that.
“For as long as you’d like, of course. I consider my employees friends, and I’m not in the habit of roping my friends into long-term obligations they don’t want, but yes.” She chuckles softly. “Forever, Ethan.”
“I don’t…I mean…when I came here, I never in my life expected that I’d find…” I trail off, desperately aware of how close I am to spilling my soul right here in my tiny office.
She leans forward almost conspiratorially. “What did you find, Ethan?”
A rough chuckle escapes before I can hold it back. “I found everything.”
“Tell me about everything.”
I have no chance against such a simple request from such a formidable woman. It’s not possible for me to continue to hide from the world or from myself when Max is sitting across from me looking like an ageless elf or supportive aunt whom I’ve known all my life. I open up my soul and let her see all that I am and all that I’ve found. I tell her about the way Blue winked at me at the coffee shop during my first week in town. I tell her about the way he and Gabriel forced me to go out with their friends that first time, how they still playfully pretend to force me, even though we all know that I’ve begun to look forward to Friday Night Friend Dates nearly as much as they do. I tell her about the way they accepted me instantly and completely, the way they’ve made me feel welcome and loved and how they’ve never ever, not even once, made me feel like the odd man out because I’m shy and nervous and rambling. I tell her about being demisexual. About the fact I was thirty-two years old when I realized that I’m not broken - I’m just a little different. I tell her about Blue, probably too much about Blue. I talk and talk and talk, and she smiles and nods and listens as if I’m telling her the most intriguing story she’s ever heard in her life.
I tell her that I love him.
“Have you told him how you feel?”
“Not in so many words.” I cringe. “It’s such a huge risk. I mean, I know it’s one worth taking, but I just…What if it changes things?”
Her smile softens slightly, and for the first time - for only the briefest of moments - she looks her age. Rather than some ethereal, ageless beauty, she looks like a woman who may have known love and loss in her life, just like the rest of us.
“But…” she leans forward just a bit, “what if it changes things?”
I sink back into my chair with an ache in my chest. She’s right, of course. At this point, after two months of spending every possible moment in Blue’s arms. After talking abstractly about our futures, and finally, for the first time in my adult life, understanding what it is to want someone and be wanted in return. Of course it will change things to tell him that I love him, but it will change them for the better.
She must see the moment the realization hits me like a ton of bricks because she relaxes back into her seat once more. “There are worse things in life than taking a risk once in a while, love. You took a risk in coming here to work with us, and I like to think that’s turned out alright.”
I nod with an embarrassed laugh at how right she is, and after a long moment of comfortable silence, she stands and heads toward the door to leave me to sortthrough my newest emotional epiphany. “Think about my offer, Ethan. Talk to Blue. There’s no rush.”
“Thank you, Max. Truly. For everything.” I offer my words, quiet and heartfelt, to her back as she walks away. How do I even begin to express my thanks for all the ways she’s changed my life? How do I thank someone for the simple action of posting an ad when it led me to the chance to find love and happiness and…myself? How do I thank her for offering me the opportunity to stay and just maybe, if I’m very, very lucky, to keep those things indefinitely?
“Ethan.” She pauses with a backward glance in my direction just before she steps out of the room. “Sometimes, the plan the universe has in store for us barely even resembles the one we’ve been anticipating. Some moments are painful and incomprehensible, but some are beautiful and filled with a joy so immense we never could have imagined its existence. Both are fleeting, so remember to hold tightly to the good ones.”
She’s right, of course. She’s right about telling Blue that I love him, and she’s right that my life has been filled with moments of both elation and despair. It’s never been easy for me, though, to hold on to only the good moments. Loss and grief and loneliness have always felt so much stronger to me, and pushing them to the side is something I’ve never been very good at. For years, they’ve defined my life even though it was never my intention to let them. In this moment though…in this moment I have hope. Hope that I’ll be able to hold on to all of the good that has suddenly appeared in my life and let it fill me so completely there is no room left for anything else.
The exhibition Emerald City Arts is holding to showcase the incredible range and creative possibilities artists can achieve utilizing only one specific medium is coming up in two weeks. Right now, Blue is spending every waking moment pouring his nervousness and excitement, his heart and soul into his art. He’s even taken the next two weeks off work so he can finish the pieces he has planned in time. Every once in a while, I’ll head down to the hot shop with a coffee and pastry or giant bowl of pasta just to make sure he remembers to eat once in a while. I’ll watch him work for a bit while I’m there, his brow furrowed in concentration, clothes singed, jawline covered in a bright sheen of sweat, and he’ll take a break to sit with me and smile a happy, exhausted smile. Most nights, he finds me either in his bed or mine and collapses at my side, pulling me close and nuzzling my neck for the briefest of moments before he’s snoring quietly at my side. He’s lost to the world when he’s creating, but that’s okay. The world he’s creating is filled with so much beauty, and it’s astonishing to watch the way he treats the process of creation with so much passion and intensity. It’s the same way he treats me.
I don’t mind that he’s had less time to spend with me over the past week or that he’ll only get busier over the next two. The chance to be a solo exhibitionist at a gallery as big as Emerald City isn’t something many artists get, and I’m thrilled for him. I know that to havehis work on display, brightly lit, and surrounded by patrons filled with awe over his talent is the chance of a lifetime. I think that I’ll tell him then. I’ll stand by his side, our fingers laced tightly together as he looks around and realizes just how amazing he is, and then I’ll tell him. What better time to have someone tell you that they’re in love with you than when you’re already on top of the world?
