Page 26 of The Embrace of Evergreen
“Oh god. I’m sorry.” I can feel yet another embarrassing flush spread along my neck and up my cheeks. One day I’m going to manage to make it through an interaction with him without blushing. “I really didn’t mean to say that out loud. I guess it surprised me. I’m not sure why. And just because something is surprising doesn’t mean that you should say something about it out loud. I just…”
When I slap my hand across my mouth and drop my head toward my chest to stop my rambling, strongfingers squeeze my knee a bit harder until I look back up to find him smiling kindly.
“It’s been a big morning for you, I think.” There is laughter in his words, but it doesn’t feel like he’s laughing at me.
I nod without removing my hand from my mouth.
“Why don’t you go shower? Take your time, and then we’ll go find some breakfast, huh?”
I nod once more and slide off the bed quickly. Once I’m out of his line of sight, maybe he’ll magically forget what a mess I am.
“And, Ethan…”
I glance back warily as his voice trails off.
“You can comment on my tattoos anytime you want.” It almost sounds like he’s teasing me, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say he was practically flirting.
He punctuates the sentence with a wink, and I spin away, rushing toward the bathroom with the sound of his gentle laughter rumbling behind me.
It doesn’t take long for the hot spray to calm me down, and after a few minutes, I find that the urge to disappear alone into a dark closet and sink deeper into an internet research rabbit hole is overpowered by my excitement to spend another day with Blue. He’s the bestfriend I’ve had since Jordyn, and not only has he tried to help me figure myself out this morning, he’s done it in a way that feels caring and supportive and lighthearted rather than critical or judgmental. I’m grateful that we met, that for whatever reason fate saw fit, I stumbled into his life and he decided to offer me his friendship. It’s the first time in so very long that I feel happy and alive and something other than lonely, and I know that I want to keep him in my life for as long as he’ll let me.
When I step out of the bathroom, Blue is dressed in tight jeans, combat boots, and a simple black T-shirt. He’s clutching a thick Henley in one hand as he gathers up his wallet and phone with the other. The tie-dyed tapestry is tied around his neck like a cape.
“What in the world is happening here?” I’m wildly unsuccessful at repressing my snort laugh.
“What if it gets cold again?” He grins.
“Then we buy jackets.”
He shakes his head, his face morphing into one of the most serious expressions I’ve ever seen him wear. “No way. This is the best cape I’ve ever had.”
“Umm, how many capes have you ha…”
The hand holding the Henley comes up to his chest as if he’s clutching at pearls or having a heart attack. “You can’t just ask something like that, Ethan, mygod! That’s like asking someone’s age or whether they dye their roots.”
My cheeks almost hurt from trying to repress my smile as we continue to pretend this is a serious conversation. “You’re right, of course. I would never ask you if your hair color is natural or from a box, so I certainly shouldn’t ask about your cape collection.”
He nods once, his face still incredibly serious. “I should think not.”
A tingling sense of warmth settles in my belly as I shake my head, grab a light sweater out of my suitcase by the foot of the bed, and follow Blue toward the door. If I bump my shoulder playfully against his as we walk toward the stairwell, well, that’s just me having fun with my friend.
Chapter 11
Blue
Ethan is quiet as we weave our way through throngs of tourists on the busy sidewalk in search of breakfast. Somehow, he seems even more introspective than he was when I left him with his coffee to mull over our conversation while I showered. I think I managed to lighten the mood just a bit by having our tie-dyed whatever it is around my neck as a cape when he emerged from the bathroom, but that levity quickly faded once we were in the car and making our way downtown. I’m sort of afraid that I broke him. I really thought that if it was something he hadn’t ever considered, it might be helpful for him to realize that nothing is wrong with him. He’s not strange or alone in the way he feels things; he’s just a bit…atypical. I’m sure he just needs some more time to process, but I feel like I’ve put a damper on our weekend, and I don’t want that for him, so I’m going to do everything I can to ensure he still has a good time today.
I let my knuckles brush against his briefly as we walk. “You okay?”
When he glances over at me, he smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. He seems almost…sad. “I’m good. Just overwhelmed. I did some research when you were in the shower, and it’s just sort of a trip, you know. I’ve spent my whole life thinking that something is wrong with me, and it turns out there probably isn’t. Which is a good thing, of course; it’s just a bit surreal. I think you were right about me, about all of it. I want love and sex and romance, and no matter how badly dating has gone for me in the past, I’ve always kept hoping that I might find those things one day. It’s just a shock to realize that I’ve probably been going about everything the wrong way. I’ve spent my whole life unaware of this huge part of my identity, and now it’s like I have to redefine myself completely. I need some time to really figure out how this fits for me, but it feels like I can breathe for the first time in years.”
“You don’t have to let it define or redefine you, Ethan. You’re still the same person you were when you woke up this morning. You’re still the same person I met at the coffee shop a few months ago. People are much more than the compilation of all the labels that can be used to identify us. You are so much more.”
“No, I know that.” He pauses in thought for a moment. “It’s just that being able to finally understand myself after so many years of confusion is overwhelming. I’ve come so close to giving up so many times, and whileI’m relieved and excited, it’s just an astonishingly huge thing to realize that if I just adjust the way I look at dating a bit, I might actually be able to find the things I’ve always wanted.”
I’m trying my best not to get my hopes up, but if he really is demi, and he’s open to the idea of a relationship one day, maybe our friendship can become something more. I don’t know how I got to this point. The guy who doesn’t believe in love and relationships holding out hope that his friend might fall in love with him one day, but here I am, and no matter how pathetic I feel, I don’t think it’s the kind of thing I can just talk myself out of. I want Ethan, and I want him to want me back. If he never does, then I still want his friendship, of course, but the tiny fragment of my heart that likes the idea of romance, the teensy piece of my soul I thought I’d managed to bury years ago, has sparked back to life and is holding out hope for more. Hope is such a stupid, dangerous thing.
“We need to be back here at five for Gabriel’s show, but I know you’re not really a fan of crowds. Since you’re already overwhelmed this morning, if you’re up for it, would you let me take you somewhere a bit less crowded for a few hours instead?”
