I shoved down the panic and the feeling of being completely, utterly out of control. That didn’t help me at all: already tension filtered through my muscles, as if the taser of magic started to recharge in anticipation of needing to zap someone else. I shivered and kept my attention on the door. “I don’t know if I can…stay here. It’s… I can’t control it.”
“Yes you can,” Deirdre said. Her voice hardened. “You listen to me, witch. You are in control. Take deep breaths. Center yourself. You are safe here.”
I tried to center myself, I really did. I tried to find that connection to the earth and the universe that helped witches anchor their magic to something solid and real, but it was too far away. There was no anchor, and I was a ship adrift on a stormy sea—tossed around without any control or hope of finding a safe port.
My vision blurred and a hiccup worked its way up my throat. “You have to get out of here, Deirdre. I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
“You’ll be fine,” she said. But she, too, looked at the door.
Henry growled, low and rough in his throat, and moved toward me. I tensed, certain he was going to bite or attack, and lurched out of the way. He blinked those golden eyes at me, then stepped forward again. I moved away. The wolf adjusted where he stepped until he herded me to the large queen-sized bed in the corner. My legs bumped the edge of the mattress and I sat heavily, farther from the door and safety than when I’d started.
My thoughts scattered and swirled as power remained too close to the surface, sparking and jumping whenever I moved my hands. I couldn’t swallow with a dry mouth and the knot in my throat. Trapped. I was trapped in the corner and on a bed, just like when Rocko... I shuddered and covered my face. The only thing missing was the shackle on my leg and the chain stretching across the room.
Deirdre spoke to someone through the door; I caught a hint of Evershaw’s voice but he didn’t step into the room. Henry-the-wolf growled at him and retreated to press against my legs. I pulled them up onto the mattress, afraid of even touching the wolf in case the magic went out of control and hurt him more. I needed to get out. To find somewhere safe so I could hide and stuff those awful memories back down. I couldn’t face Henry or Deirdre or anyone, not with the pain so close to the surface.
The other witch’s eyes narrowed as she studied me and the wolf, then she nodded, as if she’d seen proof of something she’d only suspected. “You need to stay here for a while, Ophelia, and Henry is going to stay with you.”
“I’ll hurt him,” I blurted out. My hands trembled but I shoved them under my legs, just in case I accidentally zapped one of them. “I don’t want to but I can’t…I can’t control it. There’s too much magic and it’s like a storm. I can’t—”
“Breathe,” she said. Deirdre held up her hands to get my attention, though she distracted Henry and set him growling again as he jumped onto the mattress and nudged me even more into the corner. Deirdre moved slowly and carefully as she retreated to the door. “Ophelia, honey, I think I know what’s wrong with your magic. There’s nothing actually wrong. It’s just some bad habits. We can fix this. But first you need to calm down and sit for a little while, let Henry take care of you, and then maybe take a nap to recharge.”
“Henry will what? What are you talking about?” I shook my head, trying to wiggle my way around Henry’s bulk so I could get off the bed. “I’ll hurt him or he’ll go crazy. I can’t do this. I need to go…away. Somewhere safe. Somewhere…else.”
I choked on trying to explain I needed to hide somewhere small and dark. It shouldn’t have felt safe, to lock myself in a hole, but the urge to retreat into the smallest possible closet in the house remained.
She lowered her voice and waved away someone on the other side of the door. “He’s protecting you from your magic. Well, he thinks he is. It’s hard to explain. You’ll be fine, just sit back and focus on breathing and…meditate or something.”
“Meditate or something?” I repeated. What the hell was she talking about? “I’m too dangerous! I might catch the house on fire. I can’t stay here, you should kick me out and—”
Henry made a grumbly noise and rested his head on my leg; the massive wolf head felt like it weighed a ton, though it was almost a comfort with the chills racing through me. I didn’t dare touch him as magic crackled through me. But Henry watched me with those golden eyes, unblinking.
Deirdre smiled and retreated another step. “See? It’s going to be fine. I would stay, but Miles is going to murder Nola and I’m needed as a referee. I’ll send Mercy up in a little bit to check on you guys. It’ll all be fine, Ophelia, I promise.”
I wanted to flee. I didn’t trust myself, not when I’d already hurt Henry twice. Maybe three times, if I counted that first night when I zapped him already in his wolf form. A knot formed in my throat as she disappeared and left me alone with the giant wolf who curled up next to me on the bed.
My heart still raced from the unintended magic, but with Henry’s heavy weight pressed against my leg and silence echoing from the rest of the house, it gradually slowed. Deirdre thought she knew how to fix my magic, so maybe there was a silver lining on zapping Henry in front of her. Some of the adrenaline receded and left me cold and shaking.
I curled up on my side in the bed, burying my face in a pillow that smelled like human Henry.
Wolf Henry whined again and flopped closer until he lay pressed against me, and the even rise and fall of his breathing started to work its way through my panic and the clammy feeling of my shirt against my back. I couldn’t look at him, though, too ashamed of what I’d done to him. My voice escaped in a whisper. “I hate it. I hate being…broken like this. I’m sorry I hurt you again.”
He grumbled and rested his chin on my hip, one massive dinner-plate-sized paw nudging against my arm.
The fact that he couldn’t talk but still understood what I said made it easier to keep talking, to confess all those dark secrets. Not that that made it easier to look at him.
I choked on a sharply-drawn breath and turned toward Henry, and my fingers worked into the fur on his chest. I needed something to anchor in the present, to hold against the dark drag of bad memories. “It’s my fault. It’s all my fault—if I could control my magic, my parents wouldn’t have had to move so much. And I wouldn’t have driven all those covens to throw me out and send me away, and I wouldn’t have ever gone to Rocko to ask for help. Even when I wanted to escape, when I was so afraid...”
I squeezed my eyes shut and buried my face against his side, listening to the steady thump of his heart. “Even when he hurt me and I needed to escape, I couldn’t get my magic to work right. I’m just…worthless. I have one special thing—that damn magic—and it doesn’t work right and causes more trouble than it should and it won’t even save me from being hurt.”
My eyes burned as tears threatened, and even though I fought to keep them under control, I was so tired of that fight. There wasn’t anyone else there except Henry, and as embarrassing as it was to lose the battle in front of him, at least there wasn’t a crowd around. I gave up and a sob escaped as I clenched both hands in the wolf’s fur. “Why can’t I do anything right? Why can’t I be normal? What’s wrong with me?”
There wasn’t an answer, except for all the cruel whispers in the past that still echoed in my thoughts. Tears burned hot against my cheeks as I gave up fighting for that rigid self-control that Deirdre made look so easy. My magic flowed out and bounced around in the room, slamming into Henry and rattling the furniture, but I kept crying and didn’t even bother trying to manage it. Everything was broken anyway. It couldn’t possibly get any worse.
