Page 49 of Not Catching Love
“Thanks, I’m going to set up,” I say the second there’s a large enough gap in her updates.
“Of course. I’ll see you later.”
I walk too fast as I head up the hall. My guts are in fucking knots as I approach the door, and when I glance around the frame, it’s like I take a punch right to my middle. He’s here, only feet away, crouched beside Bethany as they laugh over something.
Xander.
Laughing.
It looks real, too, and not some snide snicker over a joke that only he’s in on.
I want to go over there and ask what’s made him so happy, but the anxious balloon inside me snaps, and I step back out of sight. He’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him, and something tells me that going in there will ruin all that.
The reality sets in like a slow trickle that Xander … he’s better off without me.
All this time, I’ve been missing him and hating how I left, and he moved on. I’m selfishly torn between being thrilled for him and hurt that he didn’t miss me. Not like I missed him. I guess what I’d been feeling build between us was only on my end after all.
At least I can take comfort in the proof that I made the right choice. Even if it fucking sucks to lose him.
And sure, one laugh isn’t enough to base a whole fucking opinion of a person on, but even his panic attacks are getting better. None of that can be a coincidence.
So I do the last thing I want to do.
Instead of stopping in to say hello, I duck my head and keep walking.
I’m about to turn the corner when?—
“Derek?”
I should have given him more credit. Preparing myself for his anger, his disgust, or his total lack of care that I’m back, I turn around.
“Fuck …” slips from his lips.
Then he’s running.
I get my arms open in time to catch him.
Xander hits me with a softooof,arms latching around my neck and body pressed tightly to mine. I hold him back, knowing I shouldn’t, but I can’t stop myself. It’sXander. Here. After months of being scared to face him again. He smells like paint and feels exactly how I always imagined he’d feel against me.
I don’t deserve this.
But I need it.
I soak every second in until he pulls away before I’m ready.
“Shit. Sorry, I … You’re back.”
I nod, wanting to tell him I missed him and I’m sorry, but then he looks up, and my whole train of thought is derailed.
“Your eyes are gray,” slips out before I can think it through.
Xander immediately drops his gaze, but I tilt his face back up to mine like I’ve done countless times before. Our eyes lock, and while the purple was pretty, this isreal.
I want to tell him that his eyes are perfect. That I can’t look away. But I lock up those thoughts and manage a cowardly half smile instead. “That was a welcome back I wasn’t expecting. And don’t think I deserved.”
His answering laugh is soft and fast as he breaks contact. “You caught me by surprise, I guess.”
“I can tell.” What I really want to say is that I hope I can do that more often, but I’m not going to push my luck here. Iknow how much I hurt him to leave like that, but I’m hopeful it might have gotten him to wake up about some things. Needing people the way he does isn’t good for him.
