“I don’t know if I can promise that, Zosia. I have bad memories, and so does Bren. Our father was not the nicest man,” he says on a sigh. I recognize it for the understatement it is. “Our memories still haunt us. Once the memories you have hidden inside you rise to the surface, you may see Kodi in a different light. Your shared past might haunt you differently. If he causes you distress, I don’t know if I can stand by and watch. I have given my life to protect you, and that includes protection from your friends.”
While his words are sweet, they piss me off. “You are a stubborn, infuriating man,” I growl at him.
Bren nods sagely. “You don’t know the half of it, little lioness.”
“You may not know my memories, but do you know what will happen after I regain them?” What good is a prophet or visionary if I can’t use him to prepare us?
Bren’s eyes are sad as he studies me. Although Avery has taken a chair, the seer still sits on the table in front of me. His hand still rests on my thigh. Not many people touch my legs. I become self-conscious every time one of these men does so; anxiety shivers through me. What do they think of the mangled mess of my limbs?
“There are many paths in the future. The possibilities keep us from feeling like we’re trapped, predestined, fated, or whatever word applies. In my mind, there are two major crossroads. The first happened yesterday. If my brother had chosen not to stay here as your guardian, the future would have been entirely different.” He glances at Garrett for just a second. “Not a good one. Today is another crossroads. How you and Kodi choose to react to your memories is up to both of you.”
My brows crinkle. “But I’ve already chosen how to react, no matter what I see.”
Bren shakes his head. “You may have decided, but it doesn’t guarantee an outcome.”
“That doesn’t make any sense,” I grumble, shaking my head. My braid flops around on my back. “Kodi, come here.”
The ghost crosses his arms in front of his chest and thrusts his chin into the air. “I’m not a dog,” he says defiantly, but it’s just anxiety that’s provoking him and making him surly.
“Of course, you’re not. Please, let me talk to you for just a minute.”
Bren moves to the other chair. Kodi mutters under his breath before taking the seer’s place, gingerly pretending to sit on the table, although I’m not sure whether he actually is or if he’s floating above it. I meet his gray eyes and remember the blue-green of the sea, a color I’ve only seen in books.
“Do we have to do this with everyone here?” he whines, distracting me from the monologue I was creating in my head. He has a point. It isn’t entirely fair that we have an audience, but we’re also a group now, a family for lack of a better word. I weigh the options in my mind.
“Yes, because I want everyone to know what I say. I love you, Kodi, as my friend, as my protector, as my family, and as the only one who’s been there for me. I love you. The memories I’ll dredge up… We know they won’t be good. We’ve always known, but nothing can change my feelings for you. It may be hard for me to deal with for a time. It may take me some time to come to terms with everything that I learn, but it won’t change how I feel.”
“So, you’ve friend-zoned me?”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” I roll my eyes to the dome above. The ghost always resorts to sarcasm when things get heavy. “I would kiss you if I could, but I can’t.”
His face suddenly grows serious. “And you never will, Zo. Better to just let me go now. You can pick someone worthier than me.”
“Stop being a pansy,” I snap. “If I have to deal with the memories and the backlash they bring, so do you. There is no one else.” I emphasize each word carefully. “If we’re all required to come to terms with our perceived shortcomings, then so are you. It’s not the fact that you’re not solid, Kodi. You’re lost, just like me. You’re lost in what you believe to be the truth about yourself. I won’t let you write that narrative without some objective input. We’re always our harshest critics.”
Despite my passionate speech, Kodi pouts. “Let’s just get this over with,” he mutters.
I huff out an impatient growl, feeling my spine twitch again. “Save me from stubborn, infuriating men,” I grumble under my breath. They will all be the death of me; I’m certain of it.
“Fine.” My eyes flash to Bren because I don’t see any of the goblins nearby. The ghost slinks away as if he’s hiding his movements from me. I reach out to grab him, but of course, my hand only stings with static as it brushes against his nonexistent form. “How do I do this?”
“You know how,” Bren replies with a sorrowful smile. “You’ve been using a lot of effort to repress your memories since you woke in the hospital. All you need to do is release that effort; reverse the process.”
He makes it sound so much easier than it will be. I bite my lip, frustrated and wound up. I realize the battle in the supernatural world will suffer if I don’t shift, but I’m hung up on something more personal. I may lose the only person who’s ever cared for me.
I don’t want to do this, but I don’t have a choice. I sit back on the couch, comforting myself in its warm, cushiony embrace. Garrett’s nearness stabilizes me. I can feel him breathing, hear it. The others are bright to my senses, even with my eyes closed. They’re with me, even Kodi, for now.
I’m surrounded by people that care for me, and I’ve come to care for them in the short time I’ve known them. I’m engulfed in the embrace of a higher being; the library has accepted me for who I am, flaws and all. My ancestors’ spirits, the family I never knew, are stitched into the wooden beams of the omnipotent building that’s now my home. I’m not alone anymore, no matter what I find. The singular thought gives me strength.
I take a deep breath and dive into myself, hoping I won’t drown.
Chapter Twenty-One
Garrett
I’ve always been a protector. Ever since my stepmother showed me the tiniest, most beautiful baby boy swaddled in a blanket, I’ve had a job. It didn’t matter that I was only four-years-old. Bren became my sole focus, especially since I already knew that our father could be incredibly cruel. When Bren’s behavior started showing signs of peculiarity - not wanting to talk, not as responsive or emotional as other babies his age, and further worries - my drive to protect him just increased. Even as his mother pulled away in shame, I stayed with him.
My protective drive is part of what drew me so quickly to Zosia. She needs me, and it has nothing to do with her legs. She needs someone to believe in her and to be her champion. I’ll protect her from whatever I can, but that also includes the ghost she loves. Even if it’s only memories of him that plague her, I’ll protect her.
