Page 85 of When She Needs Them Most
Either way, what I want for you most is to be happy. We both came from small families, and I always dreamed that one day we would build our own. I want you to have the support system we used to talk about building, and that means you have to go out and live your life after me.
Even writing this feels like I’m being unfair, because if you’re reading it, it means I didn’t make it. And God, how I wish I could be at your side for every milestone. But I think it’ll be easier for you to move on if you hate me. Or maybe that’s a lie I’ve told myself because having you watch me wither away is the one thing that feels worse than fighting cancer.
Take care of yourself and the baby. Love them enough for both of us, and remember, I’m always in your corner. Being aparent isn’t about never making mistakes, it’s about doing the best you can.
I wrote out letters for every birthday for a boy and a girl, since I don’t know what we’re having. Give them to the baby all at once when they turn eighteen or every year if you think it’ll help.
That’s my one request. There’s a gift for each year in the trunk too. And the joke book, but that one is for you. If you’re ever sad and missing me, pull it out and read one in my honor.
I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you. I hope your future is as bright as you deserve. And remember, there’s a difference between really living and just enduring.
Do the living part.
If there’s something that comes next, I’ll watch over the two of you.
Love always,
Clark
My entire body vibrates as I cry, but I can’t tell if it’s a physical reaction to the emotional pain or a manifestation of my anger.
I’m fucking furious.
At Clark, for taking my choice away.
At life, for taking him from me.
I’m just so angry. I don’t know if it’s the insane postpartum hormones or maybe I’m just losing it as I rock on the edge of bed with my face buried in my hands.
It’s hard to tell.
He sent a trunk full of gifts for our daughter. You don’t do that if you don’t care, and I’m so heartbroken. Over what we lost.The future that could have been. Even over the pieces of him that I don’t know, so I won’t be able to share them with our daughter.
Luna starts to grunt on the monitor. And I mentally prepare myself to shut off this breakdown and go take care of her.
“Look at you,” Linc says, his voice echoing through the monitor. “Well, that fist isn’t going to give you any milk, but I can hook you up. Let’s change your diaper, and we’ll get you all set up.”
“Oh, love.” Arden’s voice comes from inside the room, and I jolt. He takes a seat at my side, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. He doesn’t even need to pull me to his chest.
I face-plant into his bare skin on my own. “I read the letter,” I sob, pointing at the papers flung on the end of the bed. “He sent gifts for Luna… He did care. He wanted to be with us.”
“I wish I could lift you into my lap, but I don’t want to risk injuring your stitches,” he says, kissing my temple. He gently rocks me back and forth as I cry.
“I need to feed her.” I sniffle, wiping my eyes.
“Lincoln has the baby covered,” Arden assures me. “Now, let me look after you.”
I nod against his chest, and he begins to purr.
“Do you feel better, having read the letter?”
“I don’t know.” My head shakes and then nods. I’m not sure what I’m feeling. It is nice to know I wasn’t delusional. He had feelings for me too, and he would have been there if he could have. I cry until it feels like there’s no air left in the room, and at some point, Arden picks me up, setting me sideways across his lap and helping me bury my nose in his throat.
“All right, love,” he says tenderly. “I think it’s time we get you back to bed. I’m here when you’re ready to talk about it.” He stands with me in his arms, careful of my sore, aching lower half, and carries me back to the pack bedroom where Kase is sleeping.
“I have to go to the bathroom before I try to sleep,” I admit. “And my boobs will probably leak if I don’t pump.”
“Would you like me to grab the portable ones? If you fall asleep, I’ll remove them for you and handle refrigerating the milk.”
