“C’mon, we can do this,” Andy said. His hand went to my kneecap and a piece actually moved. My bloodcurdling scream filled the frigid air before black seeped into my vision, taking me out.
_________
The next couple hours came in blurry snapshots.
My vision swam as they strapped me to a stretcher. They moved my leg and I screamed out in pain. A woman was saying words to me, but I couldn’t understand anything. I couldn'thearanything. The pain consumed all of my senses until everything went black again.
When my eyes opened next, I had to blink hard against starch white brightness. I was being wheeled through a hospital hallway. Andy was at my side. I tried like hell to push him away, but my arms felt like they were being weighed down by lead. I tried to tell him to stay away from me, but everyone just flurried around me, and then I was out again.
The next time I awoke, I was in a room. My eyelids were just so heavy that I couldn’t keep them open. People were talking, but I couldn’t make out who they were or what they were saying. I honestly didn’t care. I just wanted to sleep.
Later that night, my brain was foggy with confusion. Taking stock of my body, a bunch of wires were attached to my arm, my elbow was bandaged, and my leg was strapped up so I couldn’t move it. The tears were immediate. Everything I worked for… It was all gone. I was so close. It was a sure bet. We were supposed to be medaling tomorrow.
“Oh good, you’re up.”
Fear skated down my spine.
“Get out,” I whispered, wiping my face with the back of my hand.
He didn’t listen. He came closer, a sad smirk on his face. “How ya feelin’?” Andy asked.
My body seized up, causing a shot of pain through my leg. “Don’t touch me.”
His smirk dropped. “I tripped Mer, I caught a bad edge.”
I knew that. I wasn’t angry about that. I was angry about what happened after– how he urged me to get up, how he moved apiece of my kneecap. My breathing went ragged just thinking about it. “Please leave. I want to be alone.”
Sticking his hands in his pockets, he just scoffed before sitting on the edge of my bed.
Anger and desperation mixed with my tears. “Get out. Please,” I tried, “Just get out. I want to be alone.”
He just smirked at me and I wanted to scream. He went to look at my knee and my body jolted, making pain shoot through me. My eyes slammed shut to handle the hurt.
“Go away!” I screamed at him, my body trembling. I couldn’t take it anymore.
A nurse finally rushed in to see what was happening.
“I don’t want him here,” I cried. “Please. Please listen to me.” His figure blurred with tears. “Just leave me alone,” I begged.
________
The next morning, I stared at the ceiling in shock. All my dreams were just… gone. Shattered, like my fucking knee. All the years of hard work, all the time, all the money, all the sacrifices my family made… It was all for nothing.
Pain pounded in my leg and in my head, but I didn't call a nurse. I wanted to feel the pain. I wanted to punish myself.
And I just wanted Colt.
A voice in the back of my head yelled at me that he was mad at me, but he’d come. We had a fight, but that didn’t mean we didn’t love each other. Couples had fights all the time.
And he was right about everything. I realized it the day after he left. I did need help.
The only reason I wasn’t shipped off to rehab was because it was an Olympic year. My dreams were almost coming true. Instead of rehab, I was sent to multiple therapists a day, which made me feel more guilty because that was expensive too
My mom had to step back in and control everything like I was a child again. At first, I was angry. By calling her, Colt basically stripped me of my independence. But after the anger came a rush of intense relief. Because I needed help.
I wished I could pinpoint the moment when eating became such a battle. I wished I could pinpoint the moment I started masking my pain to the point of numbness. But I couldn’t. The last year had been one slow downhill slide to this point.
When Andy saw me in the kitchen slowly forcing myself to eat a bowl of oatmeal while my mom folded laundry, he started lecturing me on calorie intake and asked if I wanted a shake.
