Then the compression bandage was able to come off for good. That in itself was intense. He felt like he could finally take a real breath, but at the same time, his body felt tooloose. Too insecure. After years of wearing a chest binder and then those days with that bandage, Adam's chest felt too unconstrained. Too exposed. His skin missed the security of that tightness wrapped around him.
But when he finally got permission to take a real shower, provided he was careful about how high he lifted his arms, Adam found himself actually nervous.
John undressed him slowly. There was nothing sexual about it, but neither was it completely clinical. Adam squeezed his legs together. He hadn't been cleared for physical activity yet, so sex was still off the table, but despite the fatigue and the occasional jolts of pain as the nerves reconnected, he wanted John inside him so badly.
And he could tell John felt the same, but the man had been resolute about following Adam's post-op care instructions to the letter. There would be no sex until the doctor said so.
But this would be the first time Adam would be truly naked in front of John. Other than the sterile tape still covering the incisions, of course. Regardless, Adam felt his heart thumping wildly against his ribs as he stood there, stripped down to nothing but his shirt, until John reached out, undid the buttons, and pulled it off as well.
Adam swallowed hard, studying John's face as the man looked at him.
John traced a feather-light touch across Adam's chest. “You are so beautiful,” John murmured.
Adam looked down. He didn't feel beautiful. Not with the mottled bruising still staining his skin all across his chest. But the longer he looked, the more he felt the urge to smile. The breasts were gone. He could finally look down at himself without that sickening feeling twisting his gut. Even with the purple and yellow splotches and the angry red lines shining out through the tape, Adam's chest looked the way he'd always seen it in his head.
John turned him around to face the mirror, hugging him from behind. “Look at you,” he murmured, his gaze full of love and restrained heat.
Adam grinned, a tremble running through him at the feeling of John pressed right up against his naked back.
John stepped away and whipped off his own shirt, then stepped right back in to hold him again.
Adam inwardly cursed as a moan escaped him. That was John's bare chest pressed up against his body. They were skin to skin for the first time. “Oh my god.”
John brushed a kiss along Adam's shoulder. “Christ, you feel good.”
Adam clenched his jaw as he felt the urge to cry.
John stripped the rest of the way and ushered Adam into the shower. He took complete control, moving Adam about, positioning him where he wanted him, getting him wet all over and then washing his hair before gently moving those big, soapy hands all over his body.
Allover.
Adam shuddered and burst into tears when John's hands passed carefully over his chest.
John froze. “Did I hurt you?”
Adam shook his head. “It's weird because I can actually barely feel it since I'm still so numb, but it also feels so fucking good.”
John smiled and did it again, tracing all over the places he'd never been allowed to touch before.
“I'm sorry,” Adam blurted out.
“For what?” John asked as he carefully rinsed the soap from Adam's body.
“That I didn't do this before. A long time ago. The surgery, I mean. All the times we could have done this,” Adam went on, gesturing at them in the shower. “If you only knew how long I've beendyingfor some epic shower sex.”
John barked a laugh, his cock twitching against Adam's leg. He'd been hard the whole time they'd been in that hot, wet, confined space, but John had never made a move to start anything.
“You could be fucking me right now,” Adam managed to get out as his chest ached with renewed emotion. “But I couldn't–”
“Hey.” John grabbed him by the shoulders and bent down to put them at eye level. “Never apologize for your grief. Okay? Besides, we're here now. We made it. That's all that matters.”
Then John pulled Adam into a hug, both fierce and gentle.
Adam sobbed as he melted into the embrace. There was a whole section of his chest that still lacked any kind of sensation, but he felt John's body against his all the same. Felt John's arms around him. For the first time, John could hold him without Adam worrying about whether John could feel parts that weren't supposed to be there.
Because they were finally gone.
“For the record,” John murmured as he nuzzled Adam's ear, “once you're cleared by the doctor, I am tying you down in my bed and not letting you out of reach until you've come so many times that you forget your own name.”
