“No, we were just fucking most nights of the week.”
“Will you keep your voice down?” he hissed. He looked around sharply, checking to see if anyone had overheard me. “And you don’t need to make it sound so crass.”
“How else should I make it sound? You knew I liked you. I told you I wanted to be with you. That I wasn’t dating anyone else. And you said you weren’t either.”
Brandon sighed. “Julie and I…it just sort of happened. I always meant to tell you. But I knew you wanted more from me and I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“So you lied. And cheated on me. And made it hurt worse when you finally broke things off.” I shook my head. “Were you ever going to come out? Or were you just stringing me along while you waited for someone better to appear?”
“Quinn—”
“Did you plan on getting together with Julie from the first time you met her? How long were you actually with her, before you told me? Were you with her the whole time?”
“Okay, calm down.” Brandon straightened in his seat. “You’re starting to sound crazy.”
I couldn’t do this anymore. Jae was right. I didn’t like to make a scene, and I was on the verge of doing exactly that. The longer I talked with Brandon, the greater the risk became. I stood up abruptly.
“Well, maybe I am crazy. No thanks to you.”
“You don’t need to be so dramatic.”
“And you don’t need to be such a dick.” God, I wanted to throw my drink at him so badly. “Have a good rest of your night, Brandon. And a good rest of your life.”
I stalked off to find Jae-won.
I texted Ryder later that night, out of frustration.
QUINN: You free tonight? I ran into Brandon and I think I might implode if I can’t vent.
But Ryder took a while to text back. When he finally did, it was short.
RYDER: Hey, busy tonight. Hang out tomorrow?
I sighed. I didn’t want to see Ryder tomorrow. I wanted him tonight. Wanted him to convince me, if only for a few hours, that I was desirable. That I was someone worth wanting.
But that just made me think about what Jae had said. Did I care about Ryder more than I should? Was it possible to be friends with him, and hook up with him, but keep those two things separate?
Jae was right. I’d never been good at being casual in the past. But I could turn over a new leaf, couldn’t I? I would show Jae, and myself, that it was possible.
So when Ryder texted me the next day around noon, asking if I wanted to come over that night, I purposefully waited forty-five minutes before texting back and saying yes. Would someone who was in over their head do that? I felt extremely virtuous.
Ryder’s housemate Raf opened the door when I got there that night.
“Hey,” he said, around a mouthful of a gyro. He was holding the foil-wrapped meal in one hand. He nodded at the steps to the second floor. “He’s upstairs.”
I took the stairs two at a time, smiling—a totally normal, reasonable, just-friends kind of smile—as I knocked on Ryder’s door. It swung open, revealing Ryder sitting at his desk, looking utterly forlorn.
An open textbook sat on the left side of the desk, a spiral-bound notebook covered in indecipherable scribbles on the right. His laptop sat in the middle, a spreadsheet filling the screen. Ryder’s hands were in his hair, and he was staring at the computer with a blank expression.
“Ryder?” I said gently.
He jumped, looking up. “What are you doing here?”
“We were supposed to hang out. Did you forget?”
“What? No. Definitely not.” He smiled sheepishly. “I just…temporarily misplaced the memory. Weren’t we supposed to hang out yesterday?”
I cocked my head to the side. “I asked you to hang out yesterday, and you said you couldn’t.”