Page 63 of Crying in the Rain
“I guess,” Ade agreed vaguely. “To be honest, I don’t really care about work right now, which isn’t me at all.”
“It’s not surprising, though.”
“No, I know. I can hardly remember the recording on Monday—I don’t want to think about what state I left it in. I’ve been so focused on getting rid of Fergus and…” Ade trailed off.
“Us?” Kris asked, hoping it wasn’t, not the way Ade was talking about it.
“Yes, mostly for good reasons. Work’s always been my go-to, you know? Keeps my head busy when everything gets too much. This…”
“Is too much?”
“No, but I’ve been in survival mode for so long that it’s a bit of a shock to the system, sending Ferg packing, being with you—it hasn’t really sunk in yet. So I was thinking…I might go and stay at my sister’s for a while.”
“OK,” Kris said. He hadn’t meant to sound ambivalent. “You can stay here as long as you like, but if it’ll be better for you at your sister’s…”
“I think so. I can’t really…” Ade closed his eyes and swallowed hard. “I can’t face going back to the apartment yet, and I love being with you. I really do. I just…”
“Need some time?” Kris finished for him.
Ade nodded. “You don’t mind, do you? I’m not saying we cool it or anything like that.”
“Whatever you want is OK by me.” It wasn’t Kris’s decision, nor would it be fair to admit how much he wanted Ade to stay. The prospect of saying goodbye already had him in knots, but he couldn’t ignore the possibility that the speed and intensity of his feelings were down to witnessing Ade stand up to Fergus. Trauma was not a good basis for a relationship, as he knew far too well. The right thing for them both was that Ade took the time he needed to process and heal, even if in the end he decided he didn’t want this.
Kris hadn’t realised he’d been staring at Ade for so long that his uneasiness at sharing his decision had morphed into cheeky curiosity.
“See? Told you I don’t look good first thing,” he joked.
“Have you looked in a mirror lately?” Perching on the side of the bed, Kris traced the contour of the freckle patch on Ade’s nose. “These rock my world,” he said.
Ade captured the roaming fingertip and kissed it. “I wasn’t fishing for compliments, by the way.”
Kris smiled. “You’re the most handsome man in this room.”
“Second-most, surely,” Ade said.
“After Casper?”
Ade laughed. “However did you guess?”
“Just a hunch. The toast’s going cold.” Kris got up again and opened the curtains a few inches, throwing a shaft of surprisingly strong sunlight across the duvet. “I brought up the jam and marmalade, as I wasn’t sure which you’d want or if you’d want anything at all.”
Ade shrugged and picked up a piece of toast. “I’m easy.” Frowning, he considered both the jam and marmalade jars before taking the lid off the marmalade and dipping the knife into it. “Do you always work so hard to get it right?” he asked.
“What d’you mean?”
Ade indicated the tray. “Breakfast with options, checking that I’m doing what’s right for me…making love.”
Kris’s insides squirmed. “Was it awful?”
Ade smiled and shook his head. “No, babe. It wasn’t. It was beautiful and satisfying, and I felt cherished and safe, which is exactly what I needed last night.”
Kris still didn’t get the point Ade was making. “I’m trying to avoid putting you in a situation where you end up doing something you don’t want to.”
“I know, and I would tell you if that was the case, because I can, safely, with you. It’s not the same as with Fergus.”
“You deserve to be happy.”
“As do you. When—” Ade’s eyes widened, giving away that he’d almost said something he hadn’t meant to, but he covered up quickly. “I also want to get it right, which is why I’m going to my sister’s, but only if you’re OK with it. I worry that we’re both rushing headlong into this before we’re ready, or before I am, at least. I want to make sure we give it our best shot, and right now, I don’t know that I can do that.”
