Page 55 of Crying in the Rain
It took a few seconds for Ade to realise she was watching him, utterly transfixed by the photo of Kris. He blushed and started to laugh. Shaunna joined in. “I think that makes us even,” she said.
“I suppose. I do think Kris is right, though—about it being too much too soon. I was only thinking on Sunday that I needed some time away. I haven’t had a holiday in years because of…everything. It was too expensive, and trying to figure out who would pay for what—well, there’s no point in causing arguments unnecessarily. But then Monday morning, I meet Kris and now I’m here, and…we don’t even know each other.”
“There’s no rush, hun.”
“It’s just that Fer—” Ade rubbed his hands over his face, freezing when he inadvertently brushed the tender spots. “I feel under pressure,” he said from behind his hands.
“From Kris?”
He didn’t answer, but it wasn’t Kris putting pressure on him. It came from within, that long-conditioned instinct he had for picking up on what was left unsaid, even before it was consciously thought. If Ade stayed one step ahead of Fergus, he was safe, or safer.
“Kris won’t push you into doing anything you don’t want to,” Shaunna assured him.
He didn’t respond, until she touched his arm, only lightly, but he hadn’t expected it, and he jumped. She immediately moved her hand away.
“Ade, I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to understand how you’re feeling, but I do know Kris, and in all honesty, I think it will be you doing the pushing. He’s not exactly forthcoming.”
“With sex?”
“With anything. He’s very talkative and not afraid to show his emotions, but the deeper stuff takes a bit of digging to reach—including the sex.”
Ade uncovered his face. “It’s a bit surreal, us talking like this. Don’t get me wrong. It’s wonderful, but…”
“Well, you know, Kris is very high maintenance, which is why I’m so glad to have you on board.” Shaunna gave him a wink.
Ade managed a brief chuckle in response, but joking aside, it continued to bother him. “I’m sorry to go on, but it is definitely over between you, isn’t it? I’m not into husband stealing.” He rolled his eyes. “Listen to me, talking like I have oodles of experience. I’ve had three boyfriends—four if I count Maurice—we exchanged a very fast flash of willies behind the school hall when we were nine.”
Shaunna burst into laughter. “Oh God. I remember doing that with a boy in third year of juniors. I can’t even remember his name, but he started it, and once I’d seen his willy, I told him I couldn’t show him because I had an awful disease and he’d catch it if he saw it.”
“That’s genius. I wish I’d thought of it.”
“Though it was a one-off. In high school, there was no stopping me.”
“Did you have lots of boyfriends?”
“Not boyfriends, no. Only Kris, really.”
“And Krissi’s dad?”
“Biological father,” Shaunna corrected. “Kris is Krissi’s dad. But it was a one-night thing. Not even that much. Kris reckoned we were only in the room about ten minutes.”
“Kris was there?”
“Yep. It was a house party. They were always like that, weren’t they? Loads of cheap cider, everyone completely off their face,and then the heavy petting begins. Except I had to take it to the next level. A few times.” Shaunna grimaced. “A lot of times.”
“Oh!” Ade said, surprised, yet not. Whatever else Fergus was, their sex life had been good. It was how he’d weaselled his way into the apartment the previous Sunday, knowing Ade would relent for a romp between the bedsheets, and Ade hated that he’d agreed to it, prostituting every other aspect of his self for that one small pleasure.
Fergus believed that if they were still having sex, all was well. It was less dangerous—and ultimately paid off—to allow him to keep that delusion. And the sex was incredible, perhaps because it always carried an element of risk. It was rough, loud, energetic—some of what Mary overheard had nothing to do with fighting. It left scratches, bite marks, red hand prints, bruises sometimes, but not the ones on his face and neck. Those came after.Or was it before?Ade couldn’t remember now. Maybe he’d lost consciousness or repressed the memory. Either was a possibility. He’d done both too many times to count.
He’d often wondered if it was just a boundaries thing—that Ferg thought rough in the bedroom extended to the rest of their life together. That was the biggest difference between them: Ade could separate the sex from everything else; Ferg couldn’t, and maybe it was wrong to mislead him. Maybe Ade had no-one to blame but himself, because hadn’t he used Fergus, if he was completely honest? He couldn’t even say he’d tried talking to him about it. What was the point when Ferg had no concept of the problem?
Ade’s thoughts had pulled him so deep into introspection that he only knew Shaunna had spoken to him because she had that look of someone waiting for an answer.
“Sorry. What did you say?”
“Do you want to share?”
Ade wrinkled his nose. “I was thinking about sex with…It. We did OK with that bit. It was everything else that was wrong. Maybe I should’ve told him back at the start.”
