Page 9 of Saved By the Lieutenant
“She told me about the case, she told me mostly about the victims and how they were taken and found. I made a comment about how she's on the killer's radar when she remembered something about last night. That asshole spoke to her, he told her that it wasn’t her time, not just yet. But she couldn’t keep her nose out of it.”
Silence spreads between us. “Let me guess, you lost your shit and wanted to know why she hadn't told us?”
Am I that predictable? “Got it in one. She's beyond pissed at me right now.”
Not to mention her thinking that I don't care about her or she's not mine to lose. Does the woman not realize just how much she means to me? Christ, I'll do whatever it takes to keep her safe. Amanda is the only woman that I love, will ever love. She's it for me. I'm just trying to protect her from heartache. I watched how much she struggled with losing Adam, I watchedher hide how deeply affected she was by his death, how she'd hide it. I had a close call, and she retreated into herself, I knew at that moment I had to end things, I wouldn't let her lose me too. I know my job has risks, but I could see the toll it took on Amanda whenever I went to work. I left to protect her. I know I hurt her deeply by doing so, I wish there was another way that I could have done it, but there wasn't. I made the right choice, or so I thought. Now, I'm not too sure.
I pace back and forth, my steps heavy as I think about what happened to Amy last night. God, she could’ve died. I could’ve lost her. If Peter hadn’t shown up when he did, she’d be dead.
“You know she's just scared, right? She's been through a lot and hearing that kind of threat would shake up anyone.”
I run a frustrated hand through my hair. “I know. I messed up. I just... I can't stand the thought of her in danger. I can’t lose her.”
There’s a pause on the other end of the line before Peter speaks again. “Look, man, I get it. But Amanda's tough. She's been through hell and back, and she always comes out swinging. Just give her some time to process everything.”
I sigh heavily, sinking onto the couch and rubbing my temples. Peter’s right. Amanda isn't one to back down from a fight, no matter how difficult things get.
“I know, I know,” I reply, my voice heavy with guilt. “I just hate seeing her like this. She’s struggling and she won’t show that to me. I’ve broken all the trust she had in me.” I think that’s what kills me the most. I broke what we had. I broke her.
Peter's voice softens. “She trusted you, more than anyone else. You can get that trust back. Just be there for her, listen to her, support her. Let her know that you're on her side, no matter what.”
I nod, even though he can't see me through the phone. “I will. Thanks, Peter. I appreciate it.” It’s a lot easier said thandone. While she may have trusted me at one point, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to regain her trust.
“Call me if she remembers anything else.” He ends the call and I lean back against the sofa. Today has been hell and I know I made things even worse for Amanda.
I need to apologize. I get to my feet and make my way to Amanda's room and knock softly on the door. There's no answer. I push open the door, hoping she’ll not be pissed that I'm here.
Amanda lies on her bed, her body curled up into a protective ball, one hand tucked beneath her cheek. My gut twists at the sight of tear tracks staining her cheeks. I made her cry. God, I’m an ass. I should’ve never pushed her so hard.
My feet instinctively take a step back, wanting to give her space to rest. But every fiber of my being is pulling me towards her, begging me to move closer and hold her in my arms. The desire to feel her warmth and comfort is overwhelming, something I haven't experienced in two long years. As I take in her sleeping form, I’m reminded of all the moments I've missed with her and my heart aches with longing. Seeing her again only solidifies how much she means to me, and how much I've yearned for this moment.
Amanda stirs, her eyelids fluttering open to reveal a mixture of surprise and wariness. She quickly wipes at her cheeks, trying to hide the evidence of her tears. “What are you doing in here?” Her voice is hoarse and raw with emotion.
I shift uncomfortably, feeling the weight of my guilt crushing down on me. “Amy,” I say softly. “I’m sorry, I shouldn't have pushed you like that. It was wrong of me.”
She sits up slowly, studying me with those piercing eyes that always seem to see right through me. “You think an apology just fixes everything, Jake? You think you can just waltz in here and say sorry and all is forgiven?”
Her words hit me like a ton of bricks, the truth in them cutting deep into my soul. I know I've messed up, and a simple apology won't erase the pain and mistrust I've caused. Not just for today, but for what happened two years ago. Amanda deserves so much more than empty words. She’ll not believe an apology, she wants the truth and I’m not sure if I can give it to her.
“I know,” I reply, my voice laced with regret. “I know. Nothing I say will ever make up for the hurt I’ve laid on you. Right now, we need to focus on keeping this animal from getting to you.”
“You have no idea how hard it is, Jake, you walked away and now you’re back as though nothing happened. What do you want from me?”
That’s a loaded question. I want everything. But I can’t give her what she deserves. I want her safe and happy, I want her to have a life she’s worked her ass off for. But I can’t promise her a future with me. Not with the danger that my job brings. I can’t promise her that I’ll return home safely. I don’t want her to go through yet another loss in her life.
“I want you safe, Amy,” I finally answer honestly. “I want to help you through this.”
Amanda studies me for a long moment, her expression guarded yet conflicted. “I don’t know if I can trust you again, Jake. Not after what happened. Not after you left without a word.” Her voice wavers with emotion as she speaks, her vulnerability peeking through her tough exterior.
I swallow hard, feeling the weight of her words settle heavily on my shoulders. “I understand. I don’t expect your forgiveness right away, Amy. But please know that I’m here now, and I’ll do whatever it takes to protect you.”
Her eyes narrow. “I’m never going to have a reason for why you left, am I?”
“Right now, we need to focus on this killer. You’re the only one that knows this case inside out. You’re not alone anymore, you have both Peter and I to help you.”
Her lips purse and hurt flashes through those magnificent green eyes. Amanda exhales slowly, her features softening slightly as she looks at me. “Okay,” she finally says, her voice barely above a whisper. “We need to stop this killer before he strikes again. We can work together, but once that’s done, I don’t ever want to see you again.”
Her words are like a stab to my heart. Two years I’ve gone without seeing her. Two years of knowing that I walked away from the woman I love. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do it again. But for her, I will if that’s what she wants. It may kill me but I’ll do whatever it takes for her to be happy.
