Page 15 of Saved By the Lieutenant
I can’t help but wonder just how close the killer is finding out where I have Amanda hidden.
7
AMANDA
I’m struggling,I’m finding it hard to focus, let alone sleep. I know now that the killer is someone I know. A man that I’ve trusted and respected for years. I just wish I knew which man it is. Every time I try to sleep, I dream about it being one of the four men that I’ve trusted, it's making me doubt every single one of them, including Jake.
I'm already on my third cup of coffee and it's not even mid-day. I'm barely surviving, but I know that we're closer than ever to uncovering who the hell is behind these horrific deaths. We're so close, I can feel it.
“Baby,” Jake says softly as he wraps his arms around my chest, plastering his front to my back. “You need to sleep,” he says.
He's worried about me and I love that he cares, but I can't deal with it all. My emotions are all over the place. I'm trying to stay strong and work on this case from safety, but I know if I were back home, I'd be able to find out a lot more. But that would mean being in close quarters with the killer and that's not something I'd do, nor would Jake or Peter allow me. Theywant me safe, and they've been amazing since this started. I feel terrible that I'm doubting the two of them.
“I can't,” I tell him as I grasp the hot mug of coffee tighter. “I have so many thoughts running through my head, it's hard to straighten everything. I don't have the answers to my questions.”
He presses a kiss to my head. “Let me help,” he says.
I scoff. “You've never given me the reason as to why you left,” I say, my anger rising. “You have no idea how hard it is to be here with you knowing that you broke me.”
His arms tighten around me. “I love you, Amy,” he confesses and my heart skips a beat. “I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you wearing that big, beautiful smile, with wide bright green eyes, and you were in that gorgeous green dress. I’ve loved you every second of every day, leaving you was the hardest thing that I’ve ever done.”
My heart batters against my chest as my tears spill down onto my cheeks. “Then why?” I whisper, my voice cracking. “I just want to know why you left me.”
“I saw how hard Adam's death affected you. You've lost so much in your life already, I saw how deeply each death has affected you and still does. I couldn't be another person you lost.”
I suck in a deep breath. “What?” I ask as I pull out of his arms and rise to my feet. “You think that by walking away you'd absolve me of feeling your death if it ever happened?”
His eyes are wide as he watches me. “I didn't know how to handle it, Amy,” Jake says, standing up and taking a step closer to me. “Seeing you in pain, losing someone you cared about so deeply... I couldn't bear the thought of adding to that burden. I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving, by trying to protect you from more heartache.”
My hands tremble as I wipe away my tears, his words sinking in. “You don't get to make that decision for me,” I say, my voice steadier now despite the turmoil in my heart. “You don't get to choose what hurts me and what doesn't. That's not your responsibility.”
Jake looks remorseful, his eyes full of regret. “I know, Amy. I know I made a mistake by leaving without explaining myself.” He takes another step forward, reaching out tentatively as if he's afraid I'll push him away. “I'd do it all over again, if I had to. I can't and won't let you be in pain.”
My lips curl up at the corners. He's so damn obtuse, he truly is. “What about me, Jake? Hmm, what would you feel if I were dead? Would you be heartbroken? Destroyed? Tell me, what would you feel like if you lost me?”
“I wouldn't survive it,” he says thickly, his voice etched with pain.
“But would you change anything between us?”
“I'd want more time with you,” he says, his eyes wide and I can see that he's finally understanding what he did. “I'd relive every memory we had. Every happy memory we shared.”
I nod. “That's why I'm sad at their birthdays and anniversaries. But the memories we shared are what keeps me going, keeps the love I had for them alive and vice versa. You think if something happened to you, that I wouldn't mourn you, wouldn't hurt wishing we’d more time together? You were right, losing you would break me, it would consume me, but I'd live with the knowledge that we shared a love that ran so deep it was so pure and beautiful. Instead, you took that away and left, making me hate you in return.”
“Christ, Amy, I'm so fucking sorry, I wish I could change things, but I can't.”
“Would you walk away again?” I ask, needing to know what happens next. I'm not stupid, I know the love I had for Jake is sovery present in me. I don't think it ever left. But I'll be damned if I let him back in only for him to do the exact same thing to me again.
He's silent for a beat and my heart starts to crack, God, he would... wouldn't he?
“No,” he says adamantly. “No, I've been waring with myself since I found out that you were hurt, Amanda. I've been wondering what the hell I do from here, I want you, that's never changed. I just don't want to hurt you. Leaving you is my biggest regret. I thought it was the right decision, but it wasn't. I'm sorry.”
“You can't just waltz back in here and expect everything to be okay,” I murmur, my voice softer now. “You hurt me, Jake. More than you know.”
Jake nods, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows hard. “I understand that, Amy. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. To earn back your trust.”
I study his face, the lines of worry and regret etched into his features. Despite my anger and pain, a part of me longs to believe him, to believe in us. I reach out and take his hand in mine. “I need time, Jake,” I say quietly, feeling the weight of my words hanging in the air between us. “I need time to process everything, to figure out where we stand.”
His hand tightens around mine, a flicker of hope igniting in his eyes. “I'll give you all the time you need, Amy,” he promises earnestly. “I'll be here, whenever you're ready.”
