Page 95 of Sleeping with the Frenemy
“If you think I’m going to tell you that I’m sorry I did it, I’m not. I know you. If we hadn’t found ways to push you together you would’ve kept stubbornly pushing him away. Except for sex, talk about light-skirts, and then lying to your best friend about it all.”
“You don’t know that,” Sofi said.
Abuela laughed as if that were the funniest thing Sofi had ever said. “I know that because I know you. I know you even more now that I witnessed that fight with your sperm donor.”
“Eww. Don’t call him a sperm donor. That’s gross.”
“Well, I refuse to call him your father. He doesn’t deserve that title. But that’s not what we’re talking about so don’t try to distract me.” She shook her finger at Sofi. “We’re talking about you trying so hard to be strong and independent that you push everyone away. You’re scared, negrita. You don’t want to let anyone in because you think they will hurt you. I don’t blame you for feeling that way, people have hurt you. They’ve left you. But you can’t let that stop you from loving and being loved.”
“You’re an amazing daughter and amazing woman,” Mami jumped in. “You have so much love inside you, Sofi. You’d walk through fire for the people you love, but you don’t trust that they’d do the same for you. You think you’re not worth it. That there is something wrong with you and you’re broken.” Mami grabbed her chin like she had done when Sofi was little and being scolded. “We are all broken in some way, Sofi. That is what makes us human. And what makes us beautiful is that we keep hoping and loving despite that. We all deserve love. You deserve love. Youhavelove. You just need to let it in.”
“I don’t think I can, Mami,” Sofi whispered. “I think I’ll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
“And if it does?” she asked. “What then?”
Sofi blinked. “What do you mean ‘what then’? I’ll get hurt.”
“And?”
“I don’t want to be hurt.”
Abuela Fina snorted. “Nobody wants to be hurt, boba.”
“Be nice,” Mami scolded her mother. Then she looked back at Sofi. “You’ve been hurt before. And you’ll be hurt again. When your abuela dies, when I die, hell when this dog dies. Are you going to cut us out of your life now, so that you don’t have to feel the pain, so that it will be less?”
“Of course not,” Sofi said.
“Then why are you doing that to Leo? Do you love him more than you love us and so if he hurts you, you will die?”
“No,” Sofi grumbled.
“Then what is stopping you, bebé? You know you will get hurt again. That’s life. But that doesn’t mean that you just give up, because then you miss out on the positive moments too.”
“We do not let fear stop us,” Abuela Fina decreed in Spanish. “We are Santanas and we look that fear in the eyes and tell it to fuck off. We’re going to do what we want and we’re going to have a great time doing it.”
Sofi sat with the knowledge that had just been dropped on her. She appreciated that they hadn’t tried to negate her fears or make it seem like they were unreasonable. However, she still wondered if they were right. Did she really just have to accept the future pain as something inevitable but survivable and that was that? It seemed too simple. But what was the alternative, to forever keep hiding from happiness out of fear of losing it? That was nonsense. “Leo told me that I look for things to go wrong to justify never giving them a chance.”
Mami nodded. “A self-fulfilling prophecy.”
“But I feel like everyone does that,” Sofi said.
“True, but we aren’t talking about everyone,” Abuela Fina pointed out. “We’re talking about you and how you want to live the rest of your life.”
“What do you want, negrita? What does your future look like?”
Her future, if she let herself envision the perfect version, was something similar to what she’d experienced the last month—her, Leo, and Tostón enjoying their life together surrounded by their loved ones. In her ideal future she had a thriving event planning business and they maybe even had a couple of kids who’d grow up playing with all of their cousins, like Leo had. They’d take trips all over and explore the world. They’d all be together surrounded by love.
“That sounds achievable,” Mami said, causing Sofi to realize she’d been speaking out loud.
“All you have to do is go grab it and work to hold on to it,” Abuela Fina said.
Sofi voiced the question that replayed in her mind. “But what if I can’t hold on? What if I lose it?”
“I did,” Abuela Fina said. “And I’m not going to lie and tell you that it wasn’t the worst pain I ever felt. I’m also not going to tell you that it still doesn’t hurt. It does. Every day. But if you ask me if I’d do it all over again, knowing what I would lose, I wouldn’t even have to think about it. My answer will always be yes.”
Sofi tried to put herself in Abuela Fina’s shoes. If she’d been the one to lose her husband and her son, would she have cursed the day she’d met the love of her life and wish it had never happened? No, of course not. She didn’t regret being with Leo, not any of the times they were together. Her regret was that they weren’t together now. She wanted to be with him even though it was hard and sometimes it hurt. “You’re right. I’d rather have it all and lose it than to let it go without giving it a chance.”
“Good,” Mami said. “Now you have a lot of work to do, because I’m sick of holding down all the wedding stuff for you these last couple of days. Event planning is your thing, not mine.”
