Page 41 of For the Rest of Forever
Greg grinned and nodded. “Whatever you want, darling.”
A couple of minutes after that, Allen snuggled up next to his husband, in the spot that was just made for him, and he closed his eyes as he let his breathing deepen. Greg smelled good. And felt good. And... and Allen felt good in Greg’s arms. Warm and comfortable and loved.
A wave of gratitude hit him, and he pushed himself up just enough to press his lips to Greg’s for a brief kiss. When they parted, he settled back in his spot, with his head resting in the crook of Greg’s shoulder, his arm draped over Greg’s midsection, and one leg hitched up over Greg’s. Greg brushed a kiss against the top of his head.
“Comfortable?”
“Mm-hmm,” Allen answered sleepily. He didn’twantto fall asleep, but he felt himself drifting in that direction. “Maybe too comfortable. I’m going to fall asleep like this. We should talk. Keep me awake.”
A warm hand settled on Allen’s forearm and then caressed upward to his elbow gently.
“I can definitely talk. But if you need to sleep—”
“No. No, I want to talk,” Allen cut in, and he tilted his head back until he could see Greg’s eyes. “Tell me about...”
He trailed off as his stomach dropped quite suddenly, the uncomfortable feeling slamming against him and nearly knocking the breath out of him. He knew what heshouldsay. Heshouldsay “our trip to Friday Harbor.” Because that was something he was looking forward to and something easy and nonconfrontational. And Greg would start talking quietly while rubbing his forearm softly, and it would be comfortable and warm, and he’d fall asleep within minutes.
But “our trip to Friday Harbor” were not the words on the tip of his tongue. No, what had suddenly popped into his head was much less relaxing to think about. He’d been doing such a goodjob of ignoring it the last few days, and he almost wanted to curse now as the two words settled in his mind.
Jack Mountain.
He watched Greg tilt his head slightly and give Allen a kind smile. Then Greg kissed his forehead again. “What is it you both want and don’t want to talk about?” Greg asked, his voice as gentle as his kiss. And Allen almost laughed at Greg’s intuitiveness. Greg squeezed him lightly. “And I’ll remind you of what Dr. Schultz said, and that’s that getting things out in the open earlier is always the best thing to do, even if you think it might be difficult to talk about. And I’ll also remind you that I love you. Always. And if something is bothering you, I want to know about it so I can fix it. Or at least so I can support you in the best way possible.”
It was true. Greg was right, as usual. They should talk. He shouldn’t hold everything in, even if it was difficult. And though Greg was very good at interpreting Allen’s moods and guessing what Allen might be thinking about, he couldn’texpectGreg to know and understand if Allen didn’t tell him.
Allen settled his head back on Greg’s shoulder. “You know me too well,” he said quietly. “I wanted to say, um, that we should talk about going to Friday Harbor. But then I... then I remembered...” He trailed off as something tightened uncomfortably in his chest, and he was unable to say it.
Jack Mountain.That trip—that adventure—that Allen justknewGreg really, really wanted to go on.Wouldbe going on, in fact, if not for Allen’s anxiety and depression and struggles all forcing Greg to stay home. Forcing him to miss out on what would surely be an amazing, life-changing experience.
And that last fact—the fact that Allen and his mental health issues were the cause of Greg missing this incredible opportunity—it sort of compounded everything, setting off this huge spiral of negative thoughts. He closed his eyes and clung to his husbandas all the words he’d been so good at keeping locked away all day now zipped around in his head.
Needy. Disruptive. Burden. Shouldn’t be here.
“Please... please just talk to me about Friday Harbor?” Allen mumbled, pressing his cheek harder against Greg’s shoulder. “I think that’s what I actually need right now.”
There was a short pause, and Allen tried to ignore the fact that he could feel Greg tense up slightly.
But then Greg answered with a quiet “okay, of course,” and he started once again to gently rub his hand up and down Allen’s forearm as he began speaking, his voice low and soft and kind.
The warm, comfortable spot became warm and comfortable again, and Allen let out a long, slow breath and listened to his husband’s budding plans for their maybe-vacation. He could ignore that other voice for now.
Though if he hoped to be successful in convincing Greg to go on that work trip, to not give up such an important thing that had to matter to him a whole lot, he knew the conversation would have to happen soon. Very soon.
Chapter Seventeen
Greg
The heavy rain turnedinto light rain overnight, and by morning, the sky was cloudless once again. Greg was up just before sunrise, though he didn’t wake Allen, and he made himself a cup of coffee and sat out on the patio, watching as the sun inched its way up into the sky. Beans tootled around the yard, alternately sniffing things, rolling around in the wet grass, and then joining Greg up on the patio before heading off again.
Just after the sun had reached clearly up over the top of the mountains to the east, Greg heard the slider door open and then close behind him. He glanced back over his shoulder and gave his husband a soft smile. Allen’s smile in return was tight and uncertain, and Greg’s stomach immediately knotted up.
“What is it?” He set his coffee down and started to stand, but Allen shook his head and motioned that Greg should stay put.
“I, um...” Allen dropped his eyes to the ground, closed the rest of the distance between them with a few slow steps, and thensettled into the seat next to Greg. “I was actually thinking of... calling off work today,” he said, his voice low and rough.
“Okay, okay.” Greg wrapped his arm around Allen’s shoulders and pulled Allen closer to him as he closed his eyes. “Are you feeling alright?”
Allen didn’t answer out loud, but he shook his head and then buried his face in Greg’s chest. The knots in Greg’s stomach tightened. He’d seen and felt the moment something had started bothering Allen last night when they’d crawled into bed together before dinner. In fact, he’d almost argued with Allen then because he’d known they shouldn’t put things off. They needed to talk more. Greg needed to know how Allen was feeling and what things were bothering him so he could best support him.
