Page 10 of Acts of Contrition
Irony at its finest.
I’m trying to not fall back into flashbacks, trying to remind myself I am choosing this. This is a choice, because I have no work experience and no luck landing literally any job. Even a cashier position, picking up trash, anything. I don’t know, maybe it’s that I don’t know how to write a resume, let alone that I don’t have one to write anyway.
But this is the life I was thrown into. And dammit, I want to survive!
And I can control what happens to me. I set the rules, I decide who has access to me. I decide how much I am worth.
That makes me feel better. Stronger. And as the time has gone by, I can slowly buy new furniture. A small TV. Softer mattress. Better food, though I still struggle with eating and looking and feeling too fat to be desired.
These men I attract on the street, though, they don’t seem to be looking for someone who looks young. They want anadult. That’s a first for me, and strangely, it’s also a confidence-booster.
This night on the street, the girl I usually stand near sighs. Her name on the street is Sin. No clue what her real name is, nor do I care. As long as she stands near me, I always wind up getting the first pick of men.
“What’s your problem?” I ask.
“Look.” She discreetly points to three people.
A beautiful woman maybe a decade or more older than me in a white silk coat and pumps, a bearded man in his late thirties also in white, and a third man, maybe thirty, with long blond hair in a low ponytail, wearing dark slacks and a white dress shirt. They are too well-dressed to be around here unless they’re looking to rent one of us for the night. I will stay far away from that — I refuse to entertain groups.
“Who are they?” I ask.
“They’re from the First Church of the New Disciples,” she whispers. “A religious group. They are always trying to save our souls. I keep hoping Blondie over there will come around, literally, but it’s like they’re made of stone,” Sin complains.
I can see why she wants him to come around in all forms of the word. He’s handsome. But a pretty face does nothing for me. Nor do any of these men I have been with. Pretty sure any potential sex drive I could have had has been eradicated from within me thanks to Mike and his clients.
The woman and bearded man stay together, while the blond man walks towards Sin and I. She clearly gets ready to present, but I can tell when someone won’t be interested in what we’re offering.
Well … maybe he would be if he was alone. Not with his fellowship members.
“Sin,” he greets the girl at my side. “Even a few church visits couldn’t manage to at least make you think twice about coming back here?”
She giggles and I want to slap her or myself, or him for entertaining her.
He turns away from her, eyes on me. I won’t lie, his gaze is unnerving. It feels like he sees past this exterior and can read my very soul. Like he can see my pain, my sins, and my indifference to it all.
“I haven’t seen you around; it saddens me that this profession is gaining members rather than losing.” He sighs. “My name is Brother Thomas, I’m a Pastor-in-Training with the First Church of the New Disciples. And you do not have to do this, Miss…”
“Lily.”
“Lily.” He smiles as he repeats my fake name. “Tell me, why do this? Why give away the precious body God gave you?”
“I’m not giving it, I’m selling it. No one gets me for free,” I reply curtly. “And if you don’t mind, Pastor—”
“In-Training,” he interrupts. “Not a pastor yet.”
“Well, good for you. If you don’t mind, men won’t approach me if you’re talking to me.”
He gives me a smile that I am sure has made women become putty in his hands. Too bad I’m immune to charm.
“You’re destroying your precious soul,” he comments, handing me a tract.
I wave it away. “Pastor, my soul was destroyed a long time ago and I had nothing to do with it.”
Thomas
Earlier that day…
“Brother Thomas,” Father Oliver calls as he sees me coming back from one of my regular nature walks. They’re to keep fit, keep active, not go stir-crazy, and get inspiration for my sermons. I take them regularly enough, most of our community knows to find me near the wooded area as opposed to my house.
