I pull out an empty chair and sit. “Do you want to talk?”
He gets up and goes to the doorway. “No. I just wanted something to eat. I was here last night and you weren’t home. I’ve gotta go.”
He says this in an accusatory tone, like he expects me to never be around. I want to explain.
“Hayden,” I say, but he’s gone. I hear the front door shut.
I sit for a minute or two. I don’t know what’s going on here. I don’t know if he’s trying to punish me. I know he picked the lock. I didn’t know he could do that. I never taught him. Maybe Mom did. Or maybe it’s something he learned in the service. It doesn’t matter. I’ll have to put a better lock on the door. I want him to come back, but not like that.
I get up and pull a kitchen chair to the front door. I lock the door and wedge the chair back under the doorknob. I go to my office and open the desk drawer. Hayden’s right. The bottle is empty. He left the cap on top of my desk. I flick it into the trash can.
There’s part of a box of wine in the refrigerator. I get it and an empty jelly jar that I use for a cup and bring it back into the office. I twist the knob on the wine box and fill the jar with Zinfandel. “Zinfandel” rhymes with “Infidel,” sort of. And that’s how Hayden, fresh back from Afghanistan, makes me feel.
One minute I’m walking on air, realizing that Dan cares about me. The next I’m treated like I have an infectious disease by my brother.
I open the drawer where I keep the tape player and box of tapes. It doesn’t look disturbed, but I’ll have to buy a safe that I can bolt to the floor. Too many people know too much about me as it is.
I take the tape player out, slide a cassette into the slot, and hit “play.” While the tape reel catches up, I lean back and sip the wine.
Dr. A: You felt betrayed by Monique?
Me: Yes. Monique was the only real connection I had to a normal world. I’d lied to Hayden when I promised I’d be back for him and left him with my aunt Ginger. I was still on the run. The police in Port Orchard were still looking for me to ask about my stepfather’s murder. When I called Monique for help, it was because she was the only person I could turn to. When she told me she couldn’t help me anymore, I took it to mean she didn’t want to. And when I found out she gave away all the evidence we needed to prove Alex Rader was a serial killer, I think I hated her. She told me Michael Rader had threatened her and her children, but I was in a pinch myself. I wasn’t thinking about her safety.
Dr. A: But now you are?
Me: Yeah. I know she was scared. I don’t know what I would have done if someone threatened to hurt or kill Hayden. I guess I would have done the same thing. But at the time I couldn’t believe she was letting me down. To me it felt like a betrayal. My whole life was like that. Everyone I looked up to betrayed me in some way or other.
Dr. A: How are you dealing with it?
Me: I’m not. I’m just eating it like every other bad thing. Monique is a good woman. I can’t hate her. I can’t be mad at her. I can only be mad at myself for putting faith in her. In anyone.
I turn the tape off. I remember that session with Dr. Albright. I was still a little miffed at Monique back then for giving Michael Rader the evidence. I knew Dr. Albright expected me to be a grown-up about it, but I resented Monique offering to help me and then abandoning me. What I resented even more was that I could never talk to her again. Maybe I was fooling myself, but I thought we had become friends. I didn’t have any friends back then. Losing one was a slap in the face. Now I’ve lost her for good. Monique was a casualty of war. Collateral damage in the war that I have started with killers, evil people, monsters.
On the positive side, Ronnie is showing some promise. She took the psycho woman out without hesitation. I just hope she won’t start enjoying it.
And I think “Wallace,” my stalker, has been put to rest. I put my gun in the safe in my closet. I don’t feel the need to keep it next to me anymore. I put the tape player in the desk drawer and flop down on my bed. I’m drifting off to sleep when I hear my computer ding, indicating I have email. I ignore it. Tomorrow is another day. It’ll wait.
I’ll go see Rowena Perkins in the morning. I promised to tell her what happened. Maybe I’ll have some of her “special tea” and work on the fireman puzzle with her. And then I’ll spend the day with Dan. He’s given me a second chance and I have a feeling he’s better than a fireman puzzle.
* * *
