“You make it sound so easy. Like this is just up to me. That I just need to say,hey, Nico, I love you and I think we’ve got something worth fighting for.”
“Yes! Say exactly that!” she raises her voice, her face delighted.
But I’m not sharing in her usual sunny optimism. That fear of being rejected is too high of a possibility.
She whacks me in the arm. “And wait a minute, shut up! Did you really just say, you love him?”
I flinch and chew on my lower lip.
“Guilty! I knew it!”
“Cams,” I whine. “I’m not good at this relationship shit.”
“No one’s born good at it. You gotta work at it.”
“It’s easy for you.”
She scoffs. “The hell it is. You saw the losers I dated before Maverick. And even with him, it’s not perfect. We have to make a conscious decision to choose each other every day.” She shrugs. “And because we love each other, it’s worth it.”
I break the Kit-Kat in half and take a bite, wallowing in my feelings but also letting Cammie’s words sink in.
“Rosalie, it’s time you put your big girl panties on. You can’t let him leave without telling him how you really feel.”
“How’d you get so bossy?”
She hunches a shoulder and smiles proudly. “I’m learning from my best friend.”
* * *
We playthree rounds of Drunk Jenga and surprisingly don’t get as fucked up as usual. Dean is extra clumsy this year and is the one to lose by toppling the tower over all three rounds. It’s fine by me, because I’m too depressed to get drunk.
Something makes me want to be present and sit in my feelings. This thing is too important. Too big.
But I do still try to have fun. Because of the arrangement with the cabin, I don’t know if my friends and I will get to come to the cabin for the holiday week next year. Maybe it will be Nico’s turn.
Acid burns in my stomach at the thought.
The hours tick by and it’s nearing midnight. Most years I’m hopeful for the upcoming year. I look forward to the newness. The opportunities that await me.
But this New Year’s Eve, I’m anxious about the future. Honestly, I don’t know how I will recover after this week with Nico. How will I move on and forget about him?
We bundle up and go outside so Jones can start a fire. Cammie brings supplies for s’mores and Maverick brings sparklers for when we hit midnight. I bring out a bottle of champagne and plastic flute glasses.
Once Jones has the fire roaring, he drops onto one of the Adirondack chairs and tugs Sabrina with him, so she falls onto his lap. Cammie distributes poker sticks. I have zero patience tonight to wait for my marshmallows to get golden brown.
“Where’s Nico?” Jones muses, glancing toward the cabin.
I purse my lips before saying, “He went to bed early. He has to get to Denver pretty early tomorrow.”
“Bummer. That guy is alright.”
My brows lift.
“Don’t look at me like that.”
“You never like anyone. Especially men. Especially men I might be interested in.”
He grins mischievously, as if he’s just learned a secret. But I’m not an idiot. My feelings for Nico were probably transparent.
