Page 101 of Catch a Wave
“What did Jammer have to say?”
“He wanted to change my mind. I told him maybe next time.”
“Why?” Her eyes implore me to crack open. “Bodhi, you can talk to me. I’m not fragile. I won’t break.”
“It’s just …” I stride over to her, taking the mug from her hands and setting it on the counter. Then I wrap my arms around her waist. “It’s not my thing, I guess.”
Mavs looks up at me. “Bo. This is me. Tell me what’s going on. Don’t shut me out.”
Her unspokenagainhangs in the air.
I close my eyes. She’s right.
A war rages inside me. I don’t even know why I won’t tell her. Maybe she’ll push me. She’ll definitely call my bluff. She’s so courageous. Maybe I’m not made of the same stuff she is.
I look her in the eyes. The honey-golden brown is soft and sweet as ever. The way she’s looking at me … I could conquer the world. For her, I would.
“I’m afraid, Mavs.” As soon as those words fall from my lips, it’s as if I’m stripped down in front of her, unable to hide anything. “After how things were, I’m finally good. I surf every day. I teach. I take people on the adventures they save all year to go on—and I get paid to do that. You’re here. We’re … good. If I don’t go down to San Diego, it won’t all be up in my face.” I trail the back of my hand down from her temple to her chin.
Now that I’ve started, I’m a parishioner in her confessional. My thoughts flow like private admissions into the safety between us.
“When I fell at Jaws, and came out of that accident in the hospital, I had clinical depression. The day I sent you away, I didn’t have a label for it, but the doctors figured it out that week. My whole world went black. I couldn’t snap myself out of it. I’venever experienced anything so grim and hopeless. I came home to Mom’s, and it got worse. She dragged me to a counselor and a psychiatrist. I had no motivation, but I went for my mom.
“After my surgery, Mom called Kai and he showed up. He had just started working here at the resort. He knew how badly I had hurt you, but he still came and checked in on me. Whatever Mom told him made him set aside his anger at how I had hurt you enough to be willing to reach out. After that first visit, he’d show up every few weeks like a leaky faucet with a slow drip, relentlessly wearing me down.
“One day he made the suggestion that I consider moving in with him. The next visit, he said,Your mom already raised you. Get out of her hair and come stay with me. I wouldn’t have if he didn’t put it that way, and he knew it. So, I packed my stuff the following week, took the ferry and moved in with your brother. Before you know it, I was working at the watersports shack, still doing online therapy sessions with my counselor once a week, and tapering my meds. And a while after that, I got back in the water.”
“I didn’t know all that.” Mavs smiles up at me softly.
“How would you? I didn’t tell you, and Kai never would. He knows it’s not his story to tell. But, now, I’m good. I haven’t had to face down that kind of persistently bleak outlook since I got better. Some people fall into that pit and never get out. I was one of the lucky ones. I’m out. But I could fall in again. It scares me to think that could happen. And seeing those guys—so many of my old friends—living their lives, still being sponsored, or even better, being the sponsors for other surfers? That could crack me, Mavs. I just can’t take that chance.”
I confess my deepest reality to her. “I miss it every day. Not a day goes by that I don’t ache for the thrill of the big rides, the way we’d sit up planning our next adventure, the hunger and the bliss of it all. With you here, that longing has dissipated. But itnever leaves. Maybe I’ll crave those kinds of waves—our old life—every day until I die.”
“I know, Bodhi. I can tell. Your life here is so good. But it’s like you’re one of those birds that flies into a window thinking he can keep going. Then, he backs up and flies at it again. You’re hitting an invisible barrier. Maybe it’s time to bust through. Or maybe not. But if not now, when?”
“I don’t know, Mavs. But I can’t go this time. I just can’t.”
“Okay.” She reaches up and cups my jaw with her hand. “I won’t push you.”
She stands on her tiptoes and loops her hands around my neck and tugs my head down so she can kiss me. I pull her close and kiss her like it’s our last one. She melts into me and I hold her, pulling back to tell her what she means to me. I’ve said everything short of professing my love. I can’t do that when we haven’t even decided where things are headed between us.
“You did awesome out there today.” My hands remain looped behind her while I look down into her eyes.
“I did, right? It was amazing. I’m still riding the high.”
“You earned that. Ride the bliss all the way until dawn patrol tomorrow.”
“I will. And, Bodhi?”
“Yeah?”
“Consider San Diego.”
I nod my head, but I know I probably won’t. Not taking that risk probably makes me the world’s biggest hypocrite. The thing is, I’m good here. I’m finally good.
I stare into Mavs’ eyes. She’s lit up from the inside. Ready to take on the ocean and an interview already. I feel her slipping away from me, moving forward in only a few short months in ways I haven’t in the two years since my accident.
I just got her back and now she’s ready to jump with both feet into a life I can’t stomach. And just like last time, I can’t askher to put a brake pedal on her life just because I’m unwilling or unable to move forward.
