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I take a deep breath. “Sorry. I was just worried because neither of us thought to use protection, and I—”
Couldn’t the couch swallow me whole already? I struggle to find an eloquent way to say her pussy was so bomb I forgot to pull out, but nothing comes to mind.
Taya giggles, and I glare at her.
“You’re right, we both messed up, but it’s nothing to worry about. Got my period,” she says, and my shoulders slump almost immediately. “Plus, I was tested before I left New York, and I haven’t been with anyone else but you since then.”
Why does it feel so good to hear her say that? Taya’s no virgin. I get that. But sitting beside her and staring down into those brown eyes makes it impossible to picture her with anyone else.
Taya, clearly uncomfortable by the way she’s fidgeting with the drawstring of her sweatshirt, clears her throat. “When you’re done reading the book I left you the other day, let me know.” She’s trying to change the subject on me. When I say nothing, her face flushes a distracting shade of pink. “I have the next one. You can borrow it. Justaskfirst.”
Biting back a smile, I nod. “Promise.”
Straightening, she extends her uninjured hand. Her fist is closed and her pinkie up. She wiggles it, a flustered mixture of embarrassment and impatience, when all I do is stare.
“What’s that for?”
“The promise. It doesn’t count unless you swear on it.”
I lift a brow in question, and she bites her upper lip, slightly crooked teeth sinking into plump, pink skin. “It’s just a thing my dad and I used to do.” The pinkie begins to wilt, and I feel like a horse’s puckered asshole. “Sorry. It was dumb.”
I hook her pinkie with my own before she can lower her hand fully and shake on it. The motion is over and done with in the span of three seconds, but those seconds may as well have been a slice of eternity. Her warmth lingers. My palms itch. I want to touch her again. Longer, bolder caresses across every dip and valley.
Christ on a cracker.
Having deep feelings isn’t an option. I’m broken. I work my ass off to forget it, to dispute it, to hide it. But at the end of the day, only I know the truth. She’ll want all of me, but I left all the good parts of my soul in the sands of Afghanistan. Even before my last deployment, though, I understood love wasn’t in the cards for me. Being away from home over two hundred days a year and barely being able to have any contact because of my job doesn’t foster love. A fact Raychel taught me the hard way, along with reminding me I’m no knight in shining armor.
I kill people for a living.
The ghost of every mistake I’ve made ricochets through my mind in the form of waking phantoms. Even if Taya can get past my TBI, she’d have to put up with the fact that I don’t plan on retiring anytime soon.
Unlikely.
Women have tried and failed. The deployments, trainings, injuries, and even deaths take their toll. It’s why the divorce rate is so high.
But Taya’s smiling at me, and I’m smiling back. Despite my reservations. The moment is unguarded and leaves my skin buzzing.
Taya ducks her head, abruptly shy, and starts talking again. This time I’m not paying attention. I’m too busy listening to the chanting inside my head.
Mine.
Over and over again, the whisper threatens to grow into a shout.
It fills me with horror and dread, but I can’t shake it, and I don’t really want to.
Chapter Sixteen
Taya
Irub theturquoise stone of my necklace, the braided leather cord draped over my fingers. Jim and I have our first meeting with a marriage counselor in about forty-five minutes. The IPP program wants to ensure success so they mandate those who are part of the program meet with their counselor every other month, sort of a check-in. But truthfully, I have no idea what to expect since this is our first one, and I’m nervous as hell.
My cell rings and I look at the screen from the corner of my eye.
Inara.
I grab my phone from the side table, thankful for the distraction, and hit the green button. My life is finally settling down and I’m finding some stability. I’m not sure I’m ready for things to change just yet.
“Took ya long enough to answer. How are you feeling?”
