Page 81 of Beautiful Life
“No. I don’t feel any of those things.”
“Sweetheart,” he starts as he pulls me closer. “No one will judge you for having any of those feelings. But you have to deal with it, whatever it is.”
“I don’t care what happens to him.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“No. Honey, I think this is a good thing. Nothing about Preston makes me happy. And I’m not scared anymore. Trust me, I was scared for so long I can’t tell you how good it feels not to be scared. I don’t want to be pissed about anything either, that’s an exhausting way to live. Preston doesn’t deserve another ounce of my energy for the rest of my life. He’s taken enough from me as it is. But don’t you see, Tony?” I lean into him framing his jaws with my hands. “You gave me that. I feel safe because of you. I don’t want to be pissed because you make me happy. I know what it’s like to live scared and alone. To feel safe and happy is a beautiful thing and you gave me that. But because I have you, I don’t feel anything for Preston anymore. Not one thing. I’ll never take that for granted, Tony. Not ever.”
His brows are pulled together and he’s memorizing me like he does so often. Putting his hands up to my face, he weirdly starts to nod.
“Tony?”
“You’re ready,” he states.
“What?”
“You’re better and you’re ready,” he sort of repeats.
“What are you talking about?”
“You should have seen you, gem. You were broken. You’ve come so far and you’ve done it quickly. I was prepared for the long haul, but you’re better and you’re ready.”
“Ready for what?”
He flips me to the side so I’m on my back. He’s half lying on top of me grinning now. “Ready for what’s next.”
“No, I’m not. Really, I’m not,” I almost plead as his hand dips under his t-shirt making its way up to my breast. I don’t even know what ‘next’ is but when Tony does this he scares the shit out of me in a whole different way.
“Yeah you are.” He leans down to kiss me.
I turn my head to dodge his lips. “Why can’t we just be like this. I’m fine with things the way they are now.”
He pulls my t-shirt up and cups my breast while running the pad of his thumb over my nipple, multitasking. “Gem, you need to pay attention. I told you I don’t want you to have fine. I told you I wanted to give you more than fine and I plan on it.”
“Maybe you should explain what your version of next is.” I fidget under his touch.
Dipping his head, his tongue darts out to taste my neck as he murmurs, “You know what’s next.”
“Tony, stop,” I put my hand to his face to bring it up where I can see him. “We need to talk about this. I want to make you happy and give you what you want, too. But I don’t know when I’ll be ready. I’ve done the wedding thing and I don’t have fond memories. I feel like we’re good the way we are now. Why can’t we just be like this for a while?”
He sighs and looks at me. “We don’t have to have a big wedding.”
I raise my eyebrows like he’s crazy, which he is, and point out the obvious. “You think your family is going to let you have a quiet, small wedding?”
Looking resigned he sticks a hand under my back and rolls so I’m on top. “I’ll figure it out. I promise it won’t be anything you don’t want. I don’t care, just as long as it happens. Soon.”
“Again, with the ‘soon,’” I mutter.
I feel his hands dip into my panties to squeeze my ass and I look back down at him. “Very soon, gem. I’ve waited for you long enough.”
“Let’s talk about it later,” I say, letting my hand travel down dipping my fingers inside his pajama pants to find him long and hard. I cup him in my hand and he presses into me.
“Don’t think you can distract me. I can make love to you and tell you what I want at the same time.”
“Figures.” I circle his smooth tip with my fingers. “You are a talker.”
Tony surges up bringing us to a sitting position with me straddling him. He whips my shirt off and, as soon as it clears my head, I see him grinning. He flips me to my back, making Finny whine with protest from waking him from his slumber at the foot of the bed.
