Page 21 of Beautiful Life
But most importantly, I made the decision I had nothing to offer him. He’s given to me over and over and over and I’ve taken it all. As I sat there in ICU for hours watching him sleep, I realized I had to make a clean break for his own good.
My divorce isn’t final. My nightmares aren’t just dreams, they’re my reality. I’m a mess. I’m not blind to what Tony has been doing over the last few months, but I can’t have him. He deserves someone whole, not broken and weak. As he lay there sleeping in ICU recovering from a gunshot wound, I made the decision.
Gabby told me how he asked for me when he was in the hospital. Jude even asked when I was going to see him. He called me. He texted me. But I’ve ignored it all. When he got out of the hospital the calling and texting increased. I try not to read the texts before deleting them and it crushes me to hear his voice before I have a chance to hit delete.
I’ve been without him now for almost two weeks and I’m miserable again. I didn’t think I could be more miserable than I was before but having something good and pure ripped from my life has been a whole new kind of miserable. And I’m exhausted because my dreams have slowly worked their way back into my subconscious, leaving me with the empty feeling all over again.
I’ve also mentally started making plans to move out of Gabby’s house. Jude proposed to Gabby over Christmas. Well, not really proposed, but informed her they were getting married in a way only Jude could pull off from the way Gabby described it. She also told me he gave her three months to plan the wedding which she was in fits about. The venue she wants for the reception isn’t available until the end of May, which is unacceptable to Jude.
But she got a call that they had a cancellation for the end of February giving her only two months to plan their wedding. She said absolutely not, she was booking the date in May. Jude went behind her back, called the venue, booked the February date and instructed them not to let Gabby cancel it since it was his booking. Strangely enough when Gabby called back, the May date was unavailable. They apologized and told her the earliest date they could offer was November. They further informed her since Jude booked the February date, she couldn’t cancel it. Gabby went ballistic and flew off the bride-to-be deep end.
Jude had enough. He literally picked her up at the waist, flung her over his shoulder, turned and looked to me. “We’ll be right back,” while Gabby was shouting at him to put her down. I watched with a shocked face as he passed me and took her to their bedroom.
Two minutes later, Jude walks out first wearing a half-grin. Gabby follows looking resigned yet strangely content. “It’s really important to him. We’re getting married the end of February. Clear your calendar, you’re the maid of honor.”
This all happened after Christmas and before Gabby and Jude left again for his cabin in the mountains.
It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m here by myself. I haven’t seen Tony for two weeks. I’ve worked three twelve hour shifts each week, which would be great if I had something to do outside of work. Now I’m off for another three days which seriously sucks when you have no life. Although, I should be grateful for the boring life. I’ll take boring over my life with Preston any day.
I should think about getting a dog. I guess I should get an apartment first. I’ve decided I need to be moved out of here by the end of January. Gabby is going to fight me on this, but my divorce should be final by then and they need their own space starting their lives together.
I just poured myself a glass of wine, made myself a plate of snacks and Mia and I are heading downstairs for more Sex in the City. By ourselves.
That’s when my phone beeps with a text.
“Shit,” I mutter to myself.
I try and tell myself not to read it, but like always I’m weak and read it quickly before I delete it even though I tell myself not to. But this one gets my attention and I can’t make myself delete it.
Tony – I don’t feel good.
I’m sure he’s by himself. I don’t think he’s supposed to drive for another couple of days. I tell myself it’s the nurse in me that wants to know what’s wrong with him, not the depressing real-life me that misses him.
Me – How don’t you feel good?
Tony – I think I have a fever and my incision is swollen.
Tony – And red.
That’s not good. It sounds like he has an infection. It really isn’t good if he’s waited so long it’s swollen and red.
Me – It could be infected, you should go to the hospital.
Tony – Can you look at it first? I’m tired. Don’t want to go if I don’t need to.
I sigh and look at my phone, hesitating.
Tony – I’d appreciate it.
Shit. I can’t tell him no because I’m worried he won’t go if he needs to go.
Me – Fine. I’ll be there in fifteen.
Tony – The front door will be open.
“Great,” I mutter. I look over and ask my closest companion. “You want to go for a ride, Mia?”
Mia starts dancing around like crazy. I have to get my shoes and a sweatshirt since I was all settled in for the night, but Mia and I can make a quick trip before settling into my wine. Besides, she loves car rides. Hopefully she’ll take my mind off how hard it’s going to be to see Tony.
