I’ve never been someone who bows down and takes shit from anyone… well, anyone except Clark because he shit on me from a great height and left me to face the music. I already feel like I am going to become someone that I hate, and I don’t know what to do with that.
I wish I could speak to Clark and ask him why… why the hell did he do this to us? Why on earth would he betray me in such a cruel way and leave me to face the big bad wolf alone? But of course, there is no sight of him anywhere, and I exhausted all options to try and find him because he doesn’t want to be found.
He couldn’t help me now anyway, so there would be no point.
I guess I just feel like I have no closure. One minute he was there, and the next, he was gone.
One minute he was my life, and the next, he wasn’t.
Being an only child and having no family of my own left has clearly made me more vulnerable than I realised. I thought that Clark loved me, I thought that we were happy, but clearly, he was hiding secrets that I will never know the answers to, and that pisses me off.
The rage bubbles away inside of me, mixed with sadness and a desire to be the woman that I always thought I was. I want to be strong; I want to live my life the way I choose, but plans change, and we can’t all live out our life-long dreams.
Mine was to run a business with my partner, it was to settle down, have kids, maybe get a puppy and spend weekends at the beach thinking about how lucky I was… but that dream went up in smoke the day that Clark asked me to go and meet with Nate and ask him for money. I should have listened to my gut and stayed away, but with Clark’s credit rating being total shit, we never could have borrowed enough money legitimately, so I had no choice but to go crawling to a crime lord.
His words have come back to haunt me every day since…
“You go, it will be better coming from you,” Clark said.
“Why?” I questioned.
“Because you’re a hot woman and you are more business minded than me.”
“Oh gee, thanks,” I replied sarcastically with a roll of my eyes.
“Even if you weren’t hot, you know what to say and how to talk business, whereas I am no good at anything like that,” he said, sadness lacing his tone. He dropped his head, and I could only presume it was in disappointment at himself.
“Hey,” I said as I moved towards him and crouched down in front of him, gently placing my hand on his knee. “Stop that, you don’t need to be so hard on yourself all the time.”
“I just feel like I fail you at every turn, and I’m so sorry, Kat. I wish I could be the man that you deserve––”
“You are the man I deserve,” I tell him, cutting him off. “I will sort this, and I will go and see Nate. You don’t need to worry about anything. As long as we have each other, that’s all that matters,” I tell him, knowing that I will try to ease his worries in any way that I can, and if going to see Nate helps him feel better then that’s good enough for me.
“I love you, Kat,” he said, his eyes glistening.
“I love you too.”
Pfft. What a twat. I fell for his lies and the bullshit excuses each and every time.
He didn’t love me. He used me. He made me believe that I was his whole world, when really, I was his fucking bank balance.
I hope that wherever he is, he’s suffering, because that’s what he deserves.
He doesn’t deserve to live a good and honest life because he is a liar and an asshole. Yes, I hold bitterness because it is my fucking right to do so, and no, forgiveness isn’t always the way forward. I swear to God, if I ever see him again, I won’t be responsible for my actions.
“Kat,” I hear Nate say at the same time as I feel his hand gently rest on my knee. I turn my head to look at him, and I hate that there is a part of me that can visualise falling for this rotten bastard.
“We’re home,” he says, and the word hits me like a tonne of bricks.
Home.
Man and wife.
Fuck.
I take a deep breath and the car door opens. I make my way out of the car to see that Nate’s driver, Jay, is stood by the door, waiting for me to get out. I stand tall, trying to inject some life into me as Nate comes to stand at the side of me, his hand going to the small of my back.
Oh God, I can’t have him anywhere near me with his intoxicating scent fucking with my senses. I move forwards and away from his touch, thanking Jay as I walk past him and to the front door of my prison for the next however the fuck long it might be until I find a way to leave.
