I have never felt better or happier.
“That’s great,” Ava says with a smile. “How have you been dealing with Michael’s death?”
Her words do nothing to me. I’ve accepted his death. I’ve accepted that he was the weak one, too weak to breathe on his own and face the consequences of what he did. I don’t feel guilty, and I don’t feel like an asshole for telling them to shut the machine off.
Some would say I’m a murderer, but if he was dead already and nothing but a machine was keeping him alive, then I beg to differ. I didn’t murder him. He murdered himself.
And I’ve spent enough of my life being tainted by his evil, I don’t want to allow him to take another minute from me.
“To be honest, I haven’t really thought about it. I know that probably sounds bad, but I no longer feel tethered to Michael. I broke free, and it feels wonderful.” And it does. It truly does. “I said what I needed to, I told him goodbye, and since then it’s like a new peace has settled over me.”
Ava nods her head. “You found closure.”
Closure.
I never thought of it like that.
“When we find that moment of peace, it’s usually because we can finally shut the door on the trauma. I’m not saying that you will ever forget, but you have allowed yourself to forgive,” Ava says, and I think about her words.
“I have forgiven myself,” I reply.
“Yes.” Ava nods and smiles, and so do I.
This journey has been one where I have fallen before rising back up.
I never needed anyone’s acceptance but my own.
I didn’t forgive myself after Tom, and I didn’t do it with Michael… until now.
The road to recovery is hard, its long, and I will continue to come and see Ava until I feel completely ready that I don’t need her to listen to me anymore.
Speaking to Ava frees me, and I’m all about being free.
I am Lucy Fields.
I am strong.
I am a survivor.
I am free.
Chapter Forty-Four
One year later
Cal
There was a time when I didn’t think that I was good enough for the woman led beside me.
I doubted my ability to love her.
I doubted whether I was worthy enough for her.
But there came a time when I realised that I was being stupid.
I ran away from my feelings, buried them as I travelled the world.
But when I came back, I knew.
