Drew came up behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders. “I’m gonna miss you when this is over,” he whispered. “I’ve grown attached to you.”
“We can still be friends after we get home,” I said, gauging his reaction. I didn’t want to admit it but I was falling for him.
Drew sat beside me and put a hand on my bare knee, leaning into me and looking directly into the camera. “What if I wanted to be more than a friend?” he asked. I quickly looked away from him and the camera. He had to stop saying shit like that in full view. “Well?” he persisted.
“You can’t do that, Drew.”
“I can do whatever the hell I like, Erik. I’m an adult. I’m single, and I like you as more than a friend.”
“You don’t have a clue what that means or what you’re getting yourself into. Besides, I don’t like you like that,” I said. It was a lie, but this was all new to me. What if he changed his mind? What if this was all part of how he played the game? This was a competition after all.
Drew looked like I’d slapped him. His face fell and he stared at me, his puppy dog eyes crushing my soul. “You don’t?” he whispered.
“Because you’re not serious, silly,” I answered, laughing nervously.
“But I am.” He stared into the camera. “I am totally serious. I want to be with you after all of this.”
I stood and walked the four feet to the tripod, leaning in front of the lens for a super close-up. “Sorry, folks. I think it best we cut this for the night.” I turned the camera off and turned to Drew. “What the fuck? I thought we were keeping this a secret for you.”
“We’re having sex, Erik. I’m falling for you, and I’m serious about us.”
“But…” I ran out of words.
“But what? I can’t fall for a great guy like you and want to be with you?” he asked. “I’m supposed to just be with you sexually and then ignore my heart? You don’t know me that well, Erik, but I am not that man.”
“This isn’t real life, Drew. This is a stupid reality TV show, and you have an entirely different life once we get home,” I reminded him.
“I’ll tell you about my so-called life. I return to an empty life is what I do after this,” he admitted. “I’m alone my entire life because I’m afraid all the time. Afraid to feel what I feel for you. Afraid to admit to my fans that I can be an NFL quarterback and be gay.”
“So now you think you’re gay?”
“I don’t know what I am,” he said, backing off slightly. “I like you, Erik. Can’t you see that?”
“And then what? We get home and all the pressures of your real life return and you realize that I’m just some gay dude you spent a month or so with,” I said. “This…this isn’t real, Drew. Like I said, this is fucking television.”
He appeared crestfallen and touched his heart. “It feels real in here,” he said. “You feel real.”
“I don’t know if I can do it. You’re up here.” I raised my hand up toward the sky, where guys like Drew belonged. “And I’m down here,” I said, pointing to the ground, where my reality was. “Your life is this and more. And mine is nowhere near that.”
“So you’re not even willing to try?”
I covered my face with my hands and leaned over my knees near the fire. The tears had resisted making an appearance for as long as they could when I looked up at him. “It would never work for us, Drew. I’m sorry.”
“I guess I thought you felt the same way about us,” he said, his sad eyes piercing my heart. “I’d imagined I could give up anything for you,” he added.
I used a stick and poked at the fire, tears streaming down my face. I did feel the same way about him. I dreamed about this moment from day one. Drew was an amazing man. He’d treated me with nothing but respect, built me up when I was down, cheered me up on days when I thought I couldn’t move on.
“Why are you crying?” he whispered.
I couldn’t look at him because I knew I’d cave. Of course I felt the same way. I was afraid I’d fallen in love with him after only forty days. Guys like him don’t go for guys like me. My inner saboteur insisted.
“You do feel the same for me, don’t you?” he pleaded.
I lifted my gaze to him, tears streaming down my face and landing at the edge of the fire. My face contorted in agony as I nodded my head and admitted I did feel exactly the same. “But why me?” I asked.
“Because you’re amazing, funny, hardworking, committed, and the most handsome man I have ever laid eyes on, Erik. You can believe me when I say I want you.”
“Let’s finish this challenge and then see what happens,” I said, setting my fears aside. “Can we do that?”
