“I don’t believe in myths.”
“Well, of course you wouldn’t admit it. Being a dread lord must be a heavy weight. But won’t you want healers in the field this time?”
“The protocols haven’t changed.” We always had a medical staff, which she had managed then and now.
Her expression turned coy. “What are the chances of me joining you?”
“The conditions will be difficult at best, Lila.”
“Of course. Silly me, to have forgotten.” Her hands began the trembling that made her crutch waver.
“Have you kept up with the physical therapy?” I asked, watching as she brushed a strand of her hair from her face.
“The exercises are tedious. I have more luck with my psychiatrist. At least she’s entertaining.”
“How often do you see her?”
“I’m down to twice a month.” Lila’s attention drifted. I tried to follow the path of her gaze, curious about what caught her interest.
Noa. Sitting alone at a café table across the square.
“I met her today, you know. Noa.” Bitterness surfaced; the blunted blade Lila wielded when she slipped into past resentments. “She’s very beautiful.”
“She is.”
“Smart, gracious. Undamaged.”
“Lila…”
“Do you ever imagine how different our lives would be if we’d never met?”
“Do you?”
“No, I can’t manage that.” She leaned into her crutch, her eyes going vacant and the words, low and unsteady, seeming to tumble with her thoughts. “I try. Every day, I stare into the mirror and tell myself that, today, things will be different. I’ll be strong enough to let the memories go.” Her chin jerked upward as if she caught her downward emotional slide.
Then her expression darkened. I felt like she was ripping the memories apart. Me along with them. “I can’t even remember my life before you were in it.” She swallowed. “At least not accurately. My shrink says it isn’t healthy. But when I imagine… I try not to think badly about you.”
“If it was possible, I’d take those months back.” The insensitive phrasing closed in and I tried to make it right. “Take the pain back, Lila. Only the pain. The ending. I never wanted to hurt you.”
“And yet you did.” She looped an arm through mine and hip-bumped, emphasizing the joke, the teasing that had once come so easily for us. I’d seen her with her hands covered in blood from the dying, making jokes to distract her patient from reality. I’d seen her walk across a decimated battlefield without flinching.
I swallowed. “I couldn’t put you back together the way you deserved.” Both physically and emotionally.
Her fingers flexed, digging into my arm before she released her hold. “You tried, Grayson. But even you are incapable of miracles.”
I let myself look at her face, see the edge of anxiety in her eyes. I ran my hand over her hair, down her arm, realizing my soothing didn’t affect her the way it did Noa. Everything I did for Lila only made the trembling worse.
“Lila.” Anson was there, arriving so silently that I hadn’t noticed him. Gently, he touched her arm, waiting for her to focus. “Your car is waiting.”
A black SUV idled at the curb several yards away. The back door was open. Exhaust plumed in the air.
“Anson.” Lila’s smile brightened. “I was looking for you.”
“Laura told me. The weather’s about to turn. I wanted to offer you a ride home.”
“Thank you.” Her gaze drifted to me. “So good to see you again, Grayson. I’d stay for coffee, but…”
“Perhaps another time,” I murmured.
