“I thought you were dead.”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Asher
We bathed before we had the serious conversation that we both knew needed to happen. Bellamy held me, working knots from my hair and massaging oils into my stiff shoulders. Our fight—if one could call it that—still hung in the air, just as my disappearance and the many losses since did. There would be no reprieve from the pain, the guilt, and the horror that had occurred in the last year.
When we finished, he dried me off and carried me back to the bed, tucking our still-naked bodies beneath the quilts. He radiated warmth, combating the chill of the Sophistes mountaintops. Slightly shaky fingers slowly tucked my hair behind my ear before sliding down my jaw and under my chin, tilting my face up as his thumb rubbed soft circles on my skin. I missed those eyes of ice, so stunning and bright—familiar. I wanted to kiss every freckle that dotted his face, if only to gently release his tension and heartache. But that was not what he wanted, and he deserved more.
“The night of the afriktor attack, I had a strange nightmare. There was this creature, fae-like but slightly other. He told me you would sooner kill me than love me, like a threat disguised as a warning. Since then, he has visited my dreams a few times, professing his devotion and love to me.”
Bellamy’s finger stilled, his gaze narrowing. I continued, pushing through while knowing it would only get worse.
“I was not sure what he was, and I did not know how to tell you about it. But when I was in Gandry, he portaled me, like when you call to items or clothing. Getting there was a blur, but when I awoke, he was already waiting for me. At one point, I stabbed him in the chest with my dagger.”
Somehow, despite the seriousness of the story, Bellamy chuckled, motioning for me to go on as he calmed himself.
“But what I later learned was that he was…” My voice trailed off, not knowing how to put into words that I not only met a god but also that he was obsessed with me. After a few seconds passed with Bellamy just looking at me with a blank expression, I sighed and continued. “He was a god. The God of Death and Creation specifically. His name is Padon, and he is convinced that I am the love of his life. I do not know why, just that he is.”
Bellamy sat up, his hands rubbing his face as he hunched forward. I followed him, letting the blanket pool around our waists as I wrapped my arms around him. There was a heartbeat of time that I feared he might push me away, but instead, he pulled me closer. Then I heard a deep inhale of air through his nose, like perhaps he was seeing if I smelled differently.
“I did not have sex with him—if that is what you are trying to figure out. Nor did he force himself on me. Or, well, that is not necessarily true. He did kiss me, both in my dreams and while I was there.” A deep growl-like sound emanated from the prince, his body shaking against mine. Quickly, I tugged him closer adding, “He paid for it.”
Once more, I was stuck trying to decide how to continue with this story, which likely sounded insane. Would he believe that I rode dragons and saw a teal sun and read stories of the gods within the home of one? If I told him that six days there was over two months here, would he believe it? None of it seemed real, but then again, what else would explain my disappearance?
“I tried to get back. Everyday, Wrath and I went to Padon’s stupid library, looking through book after book, never finding anything. It was not until I refused him for what felt like the hundredth time that he grew angry enough to send me home. Even then, I do not think he meant to, and I fear he will take me again. While I was there, less than a week passed. But here, it has been months. If he were to steal me away, the war could break out, and I would not be here to stop it.” I shook my head, wishing I could rid myself of the thought and the god.
“I cannot believe that is what your mind immediately thought. Ash, do you not see the problem with what you said? You fear not being here to save the world rather than fearing what could happen to you there. He could rape you or kill you, and all that you can think about is the war?” His voice grew harsher with each sentence, that temper of his winning out far more than usual. But loss could do that to a person, and Bellamy had suffered immensely in that regard.
“Let’s not argue. Genevieve told me about what happened while I was gone. You deserve peace, Bell.” I paired my words with a soft kiss to his forehead, then his chin, both cheeks, his nose, and finally his mouth—copying the very thing he did to me time and time again.
I felt more than heard his heavy exhale, his arms tightening around me, like a boat and its anchor. And I would gladly be that for him. If he needed a safe place, I wanted to be one. I would weather any storm he threw my way, because it was an honor to be his.
Even if I might not always be.
“When you disappeared, it was like pieces of me went with you—all the good ones. I was angry and scared, and it was hard not to destroy the world itself. When we were arranging to attack Isle Shifter, the plan had been to only kill those highly enough ranked that it would make a difference in the war. But the demons were angry. We have sustained a lot of attacks, only a few stopped by the army. Many lost family over the last few months. I did not take that into account.”
He looked away from me, shame painting his face red. My fingers traced a line up his jaw, massaging his head when I reached his hair. A sigh escaped his lips before he continued, adjusting so our noses touched as he spoke.
“I killed a lot of innocent fae that night. They were only doing what they were told. By then, Luca had already been silent long enough for us to be worried. Even Noe could not find him. Cyprus was on edge, Henry was dealing with my unstable ass, and Lian was training the new recruits. Even after Trint brought soldiers from his kingdom as well as the king of Heratt, who later sent forces, I could not focus. So much was happening, and all I could think was that you were gone and you might never come back.”
Even though I had not chosen to leave, I still felt the guilt of all that occurred in my absence. All that I could have stopped. Bellamy’s hands were not the only ones coated in blood.
“Then they sent us Luca. It was…horrific. None of the cuts were clean. It looked like they used a rusted and dull knife. Ranbir said that his limbs were cut off while he was still alive. That was not the only torture they committed upon him either; he was in horrible shape. I just—I hate myself for it. He was barely in his eighth decade. He was kind and brave and strong and so funny. Luca was my brother in every way that mattered, and he died because I sent him to Betovere.”
I shook my head, moving to cradle his face in my hands. He did not cry, but I could sense the excruciating agony within him.
“No, Bellamy. You cannot put that on yourself. There was nothing Luca would not have done for his home. He loved Eoforhild. And he loved you, just as much as you love him. Do not taint his memory by tying it to this self-loathing.” My voice was soft, our noses still pressed together. I knew how deeply the hatred of oneself could consume a being, and I would be damned if I let that happen to Bellamy again.
“You do not understand. I would do it all again, Ash. If it meant preventing your abduction. If it kept Luca safe. If it brought Winona and Pino back. I would do so, so much worse. To my core, I am evil and vile, and I will not change. Ever.”
I jerked back, looking at him with baffled surprise.
Bellamy, the one who saved and loved and taught so many—who was prepared to rule over creatures who despised him for what he was—evil? What unjust world would ever call him evil when he was poised to save it?
Would he do the hard things, the ones that made others deem him a monster but ultimately protected us all? Yes. Did he wish he could walk away from it all without looking back? Of course. But, no matter what, he would do the right thing, in whatever way he thought that was.
Even if he did not believe that he would.
