Page 30 of Loss
With a nod of my head, I step out around Vault and keep my head down while moving the rest of the way down the stairs and toward the kitchen. I don’t stop moving until I’m in front of the coffee pot and grabbing down two of the cups with lids so we can take our coffee with us this morning. I listen as the girls talk and they get the same creepy feeling from the guy as I do. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Though, I wouldn’t dare give them the satisfaction of agreeing with them because of the way they chose to come at me when I first got here. If they were polite and nice, we’d have a very different relationship. Now, they can kiss my ass.
I don’t leave the kitchen until Vault shows up in the doorway. Making my way toward him, I hand him his cup and we head out. The guy is no longer in the common room and I take a deep breath before releasing it. We all head out and the guys surround me in a way that puts Vault and me in the center of all four men going with us to Hound’s. This is my new normal and I know it’s just one more way they’re trying to be sure no one gets close to me. Even behind the locked gate of the compound.
Another new change is bullet proof glass is being installed on the inside of the gate. That way no one can pull up in front of it and shoot at anyone who’s in the parking lot. It not only protects me, but also protects all the men and the Prospects who are the closest to the gate every hour of the day. Right now, Martin and George are each out here for twelve hours at a time in order to make sure no one gets close to the gate. Valor has made sure there are cameras up, pointing all around the clubhouse so they’ll know immediately if anyone gets too close and remains hanging out in the area. Vault is making sure they aren’t taking any chances with my safety and while I appreciate it, I need to have some space. It’s not something I’ll ever tell them though. I’ve been through this enough at home to realize they’re going to do what they feel is best and I have to roll with the changes until this is over with.
Getting in the driver’s seat of my car, I let Vault close the door behind me before he makes his way to the passenger seat. Once we’re both in, I start the engine but don’t make any move to pull out of my parking seat. The guys will surround my car and keep it that way until we pull into Hound’s and I’m parked at the end of the building where my car is hidden from view. Vault and Valor have been taking me in the rear entrance instead of the front with the rest of the guys so I’m not seen by anyone unless they come inside the waiting area where my desk is. Then I have Vault at my side and one of the others if he has to go to his office for a call or the bathroom. It’s all taken care of so I’m never left unattended.
“He won’t be in the clubhouse for very long. Buzz is gonna grill him while we’re gone and find out what his real purpose for wantin’ to join the club is. He’s also gonna run a more thorough background check on him so he can figure out what he’s lyin’ about. You need to always tell me, or one of the other guys, when you get that kind of feelin’. Proud of you, Angel,” Vault says, lifting his hand as if he’s going to place it on my thigh before clenching it into a fist and laying it back on his own leg.
We finally pull out of the compound and make our way toward Hound’s. Chrome is in the lead and I let him set the speed as Valor is on my side with Red on Vault’s side of the car and Crab behind us. We’re in a tight formation as we make our way through town on the nearly deserted roads. There’s never a lot of traffic this early in the morning from what I can tell and it makes it easier for Valor and Red to be on either side of my car.
“I’m not gonna keep something like that to myself. Valor and you alone would know something is going on based on my body language alone. You’ve all known me for so long and can tell the slightest shift in any mood I have. That’s why you picked up on it so easily this morning when we were coming downstairs. I can’t promise you that I’ll always go to one of the other men, but Valor, Chrome, or you will definitely know when I get one of those gut feelings,” I promise him as the music from one of my many playlists plays softly in the background of the car to fill the silence.
It's not exactly an uncomfortable silence, but it’s not as easy as what we once had either. Vault and I are still dancing around one another and I have a feeling it’s going to remain that way until we have our talk about everything. Then, and only then, we might finally be able to find some kind of new normal between the two of us. I don’t want to lose him from my life completely, but we can’t keep doing this shit either. Not when he’s constantly surrounding me.
Work was very exhausting today. We weren’t that busy and I had to find stuff for myself to do in order for the day not to drag by any slower than it already was. When I wasn’t helping a customer, I cleaned the entire waiting area from top to bottom. Then I rearranged the shelves again and dusted everything off. I made sure all the clothes were folded or hung up and where they needed to be. Vault moved what he could with one arm because he knows I’ll yell at him for using the arm that’s in the sling. Valor went out and got us all lunch today from the same BBQ place I went to the first day I worked at Hound’s. I love their food and would eat it every single day if I could get away with it. Today I tried the baked chicken with salt potatoes, grilled asparagus and corn on the cob. She threw in extra rolls for us and knows I’ll devour most of them. I may have ordered those and nothing else once or twice when the guys have gone out to get lunch from other places.
“When we get back to the clubhouse, can you not get right to work in the office today?” Vault asks me shortly before we close up for the day.
Turning my attention to him, I take in his closed-off appearance. He’s sitting on a stool at the counter and his body is curled in on himself. Vault won’t look at me and I know he’s waiting for my response to his question.
“Is there any particular reason why you don’t want me going straight to work in the office?” I return, putting the cleaning supplies away and moving closer to him.
“I think it’s time we have that conversation we’ve both been avoidin’. We both have to be able to move on one way or another and that’s the only way it’s gonna happen,” he states, finally looking up at me and letting me see everything he wants to hide.
“What do you mean by move on one way or another?” I question him, not sure where his head is right now because it’s been so long since we have talked about anything personal.
“I mean, we’re either gonna move on together as we always used to talk about. Or, we’re gonna decide to be nothin’ more than friends. I know what I’m hopin’ for, but it all depends on you, Angel. I’ve got to make amends to you and Valor and I’m not sure how to go about startin’ it all. But, I know this conversation is a step in the right direction,” he says, his voice low as Valor enters the room and brings a work order over to me.
With a nod of my head, I let him know we can talk. Valor points out a few notes he made on the work order about other things he found that need to be fixed. I’ll call the customer now and see if they want to leave the car here for the additional repairs or pick it up in the morning when we re-open. Valor leaves us alone once more to clean up the bay he’s been working in while I make the call and Vault starts closing up the rest of the garage. He goes through every room and makes sure the windows and doors are locked. As I talk to the customer, I close out the register for the day and get it ready to hand over to Vault so he can lock the deposit up in the safe overnight. Valor will turn it in tomorrow morning when we open.
After getting off the phone, I grab my things and stand behind the counter as I wait for Valor and Vault to return. Like when we get here in the morning, I’ll be taken out the back door to my car and the rest of the guys will leave through the front. Nerves fill me as Vault and I wait in my car for everyone to get on their bikes and surround me once again. My mind fills with thoughts of what I truly want to happen between Vault and me once we have this talk. For so long all I’ve wanted is him and no one else has ever compared to him. I have a feeling that’s never going to change. So, maybe I should let myself have what I’ve wanted for years because I know that he won’t ever hurt me again. If there’s one thing I can say about the men I’ve chosen to surround myself with, it’s that they learn from their mistakes and aren’t likely to repeat them again in the future.
Chapter Nineteen
Vault
GETTING BACK TO the clubhouse seemed to fly by and take all the time in the world simultaneously. Nerves filled me and my palms were sweating for the first time in my life. I can go into battle without breaking a sweat. The idea of talking all this shit out with Annabell makes me feel like a prepubescent teen on the verge of losing my virginity. I’ve never ever felt this way around her and I don’t like it. There’s no reason to be nervous with Annabell because she’s such a sweet, loving, loyal woman and I know that once I explain my actions to her that she’ll work on finding a way to forgive me for everything I did to hurt her. There’s not a doubt in my mind that she will forgive me because that’s simply who she is. Annabell rarely holds grudges against anyone and even the men who were going to rape her gained her forgiveness even if they didn’t deserve it for what they took from her. Not only did they steal her family from my girl, but they were going to take the most precious gift she had to give of herself.
Looking over at Annabell as she parks her car, I can see that she’s also nervous as fuck. Her hands shake as she takes them from the wheel and folds them together in her lap. She’s biting down on her bottom lip and it takes every ounce of willpower I have not to pull it out and suck on the indents I know she’ll leave behind. It’s one of the ways Annabell displays her nervousness. She doesn’t bite it hard enough to draw blood, but it’s enough to leave marks behind and I hate seeing them there and knowing I’m the cause of them. I get out of the car once she puts it in park and shuts the engine off. Annabell remains in her seat and waits for me to get to her door so I can open it for her. She’s the only woman here I’ll ever open a door for.
Together we’re surrounded by the other men as we walk into the clubhouse. As soon as the door closes behind us, Martin shows up and hands Annabell and me bottled water before making his way back behind the bar to give the rest of the guys a beer or their drink of choice. With our bottles of water in hand, I nod at my Angel and we make our way upstairs leaving the rest of the guys behind. None of them say a word as I lead her to my room instead of hers. I have the largest bedroom in the clubhouse and there’s a couch we can sit on. Unfortunately, her room doesn’t have a couch and I can’t sit on the bed with her. Not when I want to fuck her more with every passing second.
The smell of vanilla fills me from the body wash and lotion she uses every single day. I take in her outfit once again and notice the way her shorts mold to the curve of her ass. With every step she takes, the slightest hint of her ass shows and it’s been driving me insane all day long. I’ve glared at more than one man today who wanted to take a good, long look at what doesn’t belong to them as she moved around the waiting area of the garage. If Bell knew her ass was peeking out when she walks or bends over, there’s no way in hell she would’ve worn them to work. What stops me dead in my tracks is something I haven’t noticed at all today. Yes, I know she’s wearing a bandana to keep the small pieces of hair out of her face. However, until this very second, I didn’t realize it’s one of my old ones. I’ve got bandanas in every single color imaginable. Before losing my dad, my dark red one came up missing and I never knew where it went. Today, I know where it disappeared to. Annabell has it around her head and it makes something crack wide open inside me. Warmth and hope fill me for the first time in so long when it comes to her.
Unlocking my door, I step back and let her walk in first. Annabell takes a look around as I wait to see how she’ll react. I try to envision my room through her eyes and it’s hard as hell because Annabell doesn’t give a fuck about material things. She cares about who a person is and what they stand for over what they can give her. That’s never changed over the years. It’s why she worked so hard to buy her car on her own with Slim going so she didn’t get fucked over since she’s a female.
My room has been painted a dark gray with white trim. The queen-sized bed I have is against the back wall leaving just enough room on the inside for a small nightstand. To the left of the room is my couch, a black leather one that is soft as fuck. I’ve fallen asleep there more often than my bed since moving here because the bed feels too big and empty without Annabell sleeping next to me. At the end of my bed is a dresser with my TV mounted to the wall above it. My spare change litters the top of my dresser along with a few spare lighters. Other than that, my room is clean and everything is put where it belongs. I’ve got two doors on the wall past the couch. One leads to my bathroom and the other one is a small closet with more than enough space to hang all of Annabell’s clothing beside mine. Yes, I made sure it was large enough for that. The bed is made with clean blankets and the carpet is thick enough to bury your toes in.
“You kept the picture of us,” she gasps, taking in the three pictures I have on my nightstand.
One picture is Valor, our dad, and me the day we patched into the club. Another one is just of our dad when he first joined the club. His bike is behind him and you can see the happiness and pride in his eyes as he laughs at something the person taking the picture said. Finally is the picture of Annabell and me. We’ve got our arms around one another. While Annabell looks at Valor as he takes the picture of us, I’m looking down at her. It’s clear to see my feelings for her as the light shines off of her hair once again and makes it look as if there’s a halo above her head.
“I did. I’m never gettin’ rid of anythin’ you’ve given me or any of the pictures we’ve taken over the years. They’re all here. I have a box in the top of the closet with everythin’ else. No one knows I have it but you and Valor. Those are the memories we made together and I don’t plan on sharin’ those with anyone else. They’re ours to remember,” I tell her honestly as she moves over toward the couch.
Annabell slides off her sneakers and sits down on the couch, folding her legs under her body as I join her. I don’t sit right next to her, but I barely leave any room between the two of us.
“I’ve already forgiven you, Alex. I forgave you years ago. If anyone understands the way you felt when you lost Hound, it’s me. Our parents were brutally taken from us without remorse and by assholes who never gave a shit about the lives they were taking. Should you have handled your grief in a better way, yeah. But, you were blinded by the pain and anger coursing through you and it’s a confusing feeling. While you lashed out and pushed everyone away, I did something far more destructive,” she says, her voice breaking as she remembers that truly dark night when I found her about to take her own life way out behind the clubhouse where it would take forever for anyone to find her.
