Page 2 of Loss
“The day Vault and Valor were born, I saw a grown ass man break down and cry. Hound was so fuckin’ scared he was gonna mess them up and that they’d grow to hate him because he didn’t know how to be a dad. In the middle of the hospital, he stood with a boy in each of his arms with tears sliding down his face and didn’t give a fuck who watched him cry. From the second he knew he was gonna be a dad, he loved his kids. The day he found out he’d have two kids instead of one because he always was an overachiever, he came back to the clubhouse and got drunk as fuck because he had no clue what he was gonna do. I’m pretty sure he already knew their mom wasn’t gonna be able to be there for very long and watch them grow into the men they are still becomin’. That’s just who he was. Hound always knew what was gonna happen before it actually did. It’s one of the many reasons his sons didn’t ever get away with anythin’.
“Anyway, Hound and Grizzly were the best men I’ve ever met in my life and I’ll feel their loss for the rest of my days. They was more than just my best friends. Grizzly and Hound were my brothers, teachers, mentors, my guides in the darkest of days, and everythin’ else I’ve ever needed in my life. The biggest thing they were, was my confidant. Both men instinctively knew when I needed them and let me unburden my soul to them and then we’d talk through the problem. While I know I’ll feel this loss forever, no one will miss Hound more than Vault and Valor. He was the center of their world and they lost their only parent in a matter of seconds.
“Today, we’re gonna celebrate the life of the best men we’ve all ever known. Every fuckin’ day movin’ forward, we’ll honor Grizzly and Hound and make sure we’re the best versions of ourselves as they’d want. Each time we get on our bikes, walk through the clubhouse, or make a decision that will impact our lives, we’ll do it with both men in mind. Vault and Valor, would you like to say anythin’?” Whino says, looking between Valor and me as he steps away and slinks into the shadows again.
I subtly shake my head as tears slide down my face and land on the ground in front of me. Valor hesitates but finally shakes his head no. He’s too choked up as I turn to face him and see the tears sliding down his face. Feeling me watch him, my twin pulls me into a hug as everyone begins to walk by the two men’s caskets and have one last moment with them. All the men tap the wood after they say a few words to my dad and Grizzly while the women all lay a white rose on top for them. Yeah, my dad loved flowers and it didn’t matter what kind it was. Especially if one of the ol’ ladies or kids gave him one. He’d eat that shit up and parade around as if he was the toughest asshole out there because someone gave him a flower.
“Grizzly and Hound, ride free my brothers. Until we meet again,” Slim says after picking their cuts up off the caskets and holding them over his arm.
Valor and I walk up to his casket last as everyone else begins to make their way back to their bikes to head to the clubhouse with the ol’ ladies of the clubs. I sink to the dirt at the edge of his casket and just sit there, staring down into the hole he’s been lowered into. The men are waiting to cover him with dirt, but I don’t give a fuck. I’m not ready to leave my dad behind where he’ll be all alone. My brother sits down next to me as I pull a flask from my cut and take the top off. Taking a deep drink of whiskey, our dad’s favorite alcohol, I pass it to Valor as Killer, Playboy, and Stryker step up behind us. No one says a word as Valor takes a long drink before passing the flask back to me. I pour the rest out on top of our dad’s casket before standing from my seat.
Grabbing the closest shovel, I start to put the dirt down the hole. If anyone is going to bury our dad, it will be me. These men didn’t know him and will never understand what this fucking moment means. They won’t know or care how this is destroying me. Valor doesn’t take long to stand and join me in burying our dad in his final resting place. Soon, Killer, Playboy, and Stryker also grab shovels and the five of us work until the job is done. I don’t pay attention to the men throwing dirt down the hole over Grizzly’s casket as I focus on my dad’s. When we’re done, we finally get on our bikes and head to the clubhouse.
After parking our bikes and heading inside, I’m met by Annabell. She’s got a plate of food in her hands and she holds it out for me to take from her. Following behind me, I head for the nearest table and take a seat as Annabell pulls out the chair next to me. Shoving the plate away from me harder than necessary so it slides across the table and crashes to the floor, I slam my hand on the table and glare at the girl who means the world to me.
“Annabell, I’m not fuckin’ hungry and I don’t need you to follow me around like a lost fuckin’ puppy. It’s gettin’ fuckin’ old and I’m tired of it. Go find somethin’ else to do or someone else to fuckin’ fix,” I shout at her, watching her gorgeous eyes fill with tears as her head drops to her chest. The same way she used to walk around when we first rescued her.
The clubhouse has gone eerily silent and turned their attention toward us. I’ve never raised my voice at this girl for any reason and everyone around me knows it. If anything, I’ve gone out of my way to be soft and gentle for her. Annabell and I have been glued together at the hip and she’s the only one I’d give a smile to. Today, that ends.
“What did I do wrong?” she asks, her voice wavering as tears drip from her face to the floor at our feet.
“You’re constantly up my ass and I’m sick of it. I want you to leave me the fuck alone. Annabell, I’m not your savior and you need to fuckin’ leave me alone to live my fuckin’ life. Get a life of your own while your fuckin’ at it,” I yell, turning my back to her as I search the room for a club girl to take my mind off of everything.
Slim is standing at the entrance of the hallway leading to his office. His eyes are sparking with the anger he feels right now. Annabell is his girl and everyone knows you don’t fuck with her or you’ll feel his wrath. I roll my eyes at him and storm from the clubhouse. Everyone can kiss my fucking ass! Annabell is a girl and nothing special. Everyone treats her like a fucking pampered princess and coddles her from the evil of the world we live in. Fuck that! I’m done acting like an ass for her.
Annabell is the one person in my life who has always been there for me no matter what was going on. I’ve never once raised my voice to her, spoken to her in anger, or anything else. For the first time, I’m taking my emotions and rage out on the one person I know would never turn their back on me for any reason. Tonight, I fucked that all up because I can’t pull my head out of my ass and accept the help and comfort she’s trying to offer me. Who the fuck does that kind of shit?
Chapter Two
Annabell
YESTERDAY SHOULD’VE BEEN one of the happiest days of my life. Slim and Shy are now officially my parents. They adopted me after I finally made the decision that it’s what I wanted to happen moving forward. Slim and Shy took me into their home when they didn’t have to. They’ve fed me, clothed me, and been there for every single thing I’ve ever needed. When I want to do something, they encourage and support me. There isn’t a single thing they haven’t done for me since saving me the night I lost my family. So, I decided that if I got to choose my parents this time, then I wanted them as mine. Plus, I get Playboy, Maddie, and their families as my own now too. Everyone that’s been there for me since that awful night.
Instead of being happy and excited for everything, I was lost in my own head most of the day and couldn’t celebrate with everyone else. There was a party at the clubhouse and I chose to come home and stay there on my own. Slim and Shy thought it was because of me thinking about my own family. In a way, that’s the truth. However, it’s not the entire truth. My head was filled with thoughts of Vault and the fact that he wasn’t there with me when I wanted him at my side. I haven’t talked to him since the day we buried Hound and he went off on me in front of everyone for trying to help him. That was the day our entire relationship changed and it wasn’t for the good.
Vault has been at my side since the night I was rescued and brought here. Now, he’s nothing more than a memory. He went from being my best friend and someone I was falling in love with to a man that is nothing to me at all. It breaks my heart to know that our relationship is so completely fractured and there’s literally nothing I can do to help fix it. Vault doesn’t want me around him and that’s okay. I’m nothing more than an annoying little girl. Yeah, I heard him say that to Valor the very same day he shattered me into a million pieces. So, I will leave him alone and hope he can mourn the loss of his dad and find what, or who, makes him happy for the rest of his life. For me, I’ll try to move on and forget all about the man who makes me feel alive and safe.
Valor ended up coming to spend some time with me while everyone else was celebrating my adoption. We sat on the porch swing together and he talked to me like his twin used to. I will always remember the conversation between the two of us.
“Pretty Girl, what are you doin’ here all alone? You should be at the clubhouse celebratin’ with everyone. Today was a big day for you,” Valor says, sitting down next to me and putting an arm over my shoulders like he’s done it a million times before.
“Didn’t feel like celebrating with everyone. I’m not wanted or needed around the clubhouse unless I’m helping the ol’ ladies and everything is already done,” I answer him, looking at my nails that I just got done with Shy for the first day of school.
“That’s not true and you know it, Annabell,” he states, pulling away to look at me with pain filled eyes.
“It is true. Not only did I hear what Vault said to me when he went off because I handed him a plate of food and was going to sit next to him, but I heard what he told you. I’m nothing more than an annoying girl who hangs out at the clubhouse when I shouldn’t be there unless it’s a family day,” I tell him, tears filling my eyes as I tip my head lower so Valor doesn’t see my tears and pain.
“Vault doesn’t know what the fuck he’s sayin’, Pretty Girl. He’s hurtin’ and so lost in his fuckin’ head right now. For the first time in my life, I don’t know how to help him. Vault has always looked up to our dad and believed he’d never leave us. I’m not sayin’ I didn’t look up to my dad because I did. Vault needs to figure his shit out, Annabell. What I do know is that when he does finally pull his head out of his ass, he’s gonna feel like shit for the way he’s treatin’ you. Don’t give up on him, Annabell. You’ve been his light in the dark and his savin’ grace when he thought he was gonna lose it all. Vault needs you like you need him. There’s somethin’ special connectin’ the two of you. So, I’m askin’ you to wait for him and not give up on him when he’s at his lowest,” Valor pleads with me, using a finger to tip my head up so he can look me in the eyes and take in all the pain I feel from his words.
“I would never give up on Vault. But, I can’t be around him anymore. I used to think we had a special connection too, Valor. We don’t. What we have is a trauma bond because I latched onto him when my world was completely ripped to shreds. It’s time for me to grow up and move on from whatever delusions I’ve made up in my head about the two of us. I will always love your brother, but we’re both on different paths in life and that’s okay. It was the wake-up call I needed and this is my sign that it’s time to move on with my life no matter how bleak and hard it seems to be right now,” I tell him, knowing deep in my heart that I could truly never give up on Vault for any reason.
“Thank you, Annabell. You do what you feel is best for you and know that you’ll always have me. I’m not goin’ anywhere and it’s time for me to step up and make sure you’re okay because my brother would want me to. You need me, I’m nothin’ more than a phone call away, Pretty Girl,” Valor says, pressing a kiss on the top of my head before leaving me to sit and think over our conversation on the porch alone.
The rest of the night, I stayed inside the house so no one else would wander by and think I wanted to talk to them. Instead of helping me heal or giving me any kind of insight into what I can do for Vault, Valor only made me hurt even more. He made me realize that Vault and I will never have a relationship of any kind despite every single talk we’ve ever had since I’ve been here. I have to tell myself that’s okay because there’s really no choice in the matter. That was the first night of many that I cried myself to sleep and dreamt of a man who will never be a part of my life again.
Today’s my first day of school in Benton Falls. Shy is taking me instead of letting Slim after I begged him to stay at the clubhouse and not go with us. I can just imagine what would happen if I showed up to school with him. He’d scare everyone away from me before I even stepped foot inside. Plus, it wouldn’t only be Slim that took me to school. My dad would involve the entire club and they’d all ride in on their bikes looking like the badasses they are. Playboy and Slim would be the worst of the group as my dad and big brother. And it wouldn’t surprise me if they called Tank to join them either. Seeing him alone would be enough to ensure that no one ever gets near me. Especially any boys. Tank is a big man and when I first met him, I thought he was gonna kill me. Now, I know what a truly great man is, but that’s not who he’ll show all the kids my age here at school.
I love Slim, but he’s intimidating as hell and I know everyone in town knows who he is along with the rest of the Phantom Bastards. I’m not stupid enough to believe no one is going to find out who I belong to now. But, I’ll deal with it as the situations arise. People are going to either want to be my friend to get close to the club. Or they’ll hate me because I’m around the club on a daily basis. When it comes to the guys I go to school with, they’ll probably think I’m some kind of slut because I’m around the club. I’ve heard about it happening in the past and it’s not something I ever want to experience for myself. I’m already going to be at a disadvantage because I’m starting a new school my senior year and have no friends here in town. This will honestly be the longest I’ve left the clubhouse on my own since I was brought there.
