Page 61 of Made for You
He doesn’t seem at all concerned. Just amused.
“And what do you talk about?” he says. Before I can answer, he brushes his lips against mine, then comes in for another pass, sweeping his tongue across my lower lip. I gasp a little as his tongue slips into my mouth. My head falls back and I feel the gravity of his body, hovering just above mine. Heat drips down, pooling in my gut, between my legs...
Using all my self-control, I bracket his face in my hands and gently remove him. He pretends to strain against me.
“I was trying to say—”
He advances toward my lips again, but I keep his face clamped between my hands.
“—that Cam and I see you differently, and...it makes me wonder.”
He pulls back. I drop my hands.
All of a sudden I’m the teensiest bit nervous.
“Don’t take this the wrong way,” I say, “but sometimes I worry that I’m not seeing the full picture. Like, I know you’ve been real with me throughout this process. But when I hear Cam talk about you, it feels like she’s talking about someone else. Not the Josh I know.”
He takes a half step back. “Are you accusing me of—”
“No! No, I just—” I lick my lips. “Are there parts of you that you’re kind of holding back when you’re with me? And...is it me? Like, do I make you feel like you have to...repress anything? Because I don’t want to. I want you to be yourself with me. Your whole self.”
He stuffs his hands in his pockets, and I wrap my arms around my torso. Suddenly my nose feels cold. I want to press further and say, Is this real? Or is this just TV, and I’m the fool? But he’s already reacting so strongly...
“Want to walk?” he says.
“Sure.” We set off. Not holding hands.
He looks down at his feet as he talks. “It’s true that you and Cam bring out different sides of me. That’s why I feel so...torn between you.” The cobblestones are worn and shining under the soft streetlight. “With her, it’s like my younger side comes out. College Josh, who just wanted to party and be adored and have a good time.”
“And with me?” I prompt softly.
“Our relationship feels more mature.”
“But we have fun together, too.”
“Yeah. We laugh a lot. But the flavor is more...”
“Cantaloupe?” I hazard, desperate to lighten the moment even though I’m the one who introduced the heaviness. Prove to him that mature doesn’t have to mean boring.
He laughs. “Yeah.”
“Tell me more about College Josh.”
“I guess I was insecure. I didn’t know it at the time. I really didn’t want to end up like my mom. Divorced, miserable, alone. So I overcompensated. I got a girlfriend—”
“Stalker girl.”
He nods. “—and partied my ass off. Tried to grab happiness by the balls, you know? Dad made Mom so miserable. I didn’t want anyone to have that power over me. I wanted to make my own life. And never be anyone’s victim.”
“That makes sense.”
“I guess that’s why the stalker girlfriend stuff was so intense. It felt like my worst nightmare. Like, she’s going to make me miserable and there’s nothing I can do about it.” We walk in silence. He seems deep in thought, so I don’t interrupt.
“I know it wasn’t Mom’s fault that Dad left,” he finally says. “Dad’s the asshole. But I guess I kind of hated her for it anyway.” He laughs bitterly. “I guess that’s pretty messed up. Despising her for being weak.”
Is weakness despicable? He was so tender with me when I was weak, after the attack...but maybe this is different.
“What’s your relationship with her like now?” I say.
