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Zane had only said two words to me so far on the long drive back to Chicago. He’d said thank you when I’d gone through a drive-thru and bought breakfast for us. I noticed he’d only picked at his breakfast sandwich though, but I didn’t say anything. I knew his nerves were probably tying his stomach in knots.
I’d been surprised when he’d shown up at my door that morning. I’d figured it would’ve taken a lot more time for him to decide to go back home with me. But I’d seen the sharp look in his eyes and the determined set of his jaw and I’d known that he was ready, before he even said a word. I’d also been pleased to see his hair combed away from his face. It would be such a small thing to anyone else, but it was an enormous thing for him. I immediately recognized the gesture for what it was, and it made me smile. It was his way of saying that he was done hiding.
I kept my attention on the road but looked at Zane out of the corner of my eye. He was staring out the window, lost in his own thoughts. I wished there was something I could do or say to help ease the situation he was in, but it was a shitty situation however you looked at it. Besides, I doubted he wanted my help anyway. I was the one who had brought all of the pain and horror of his past back to the forefront.
My eyes flitted back and forth between Zane and the road. We may have only been sitting a few inches apart, but we might as well have had a wide chasm between us. He was so distant, so far out of my reach and it made my heart ache. I understood why he had pulled away and I deserved it, but I missed the closeness we had shared. I missed him. His jaw was locked tight, his shoulders tense and his hands were curled into fists in his lap. I could feel the tension rolling off of him in waves and I hated it. He may have begun to hate me, but I couldn’t let him feel like he was going into this alone.
“Are you doing okay?” I’d said it quietly, but Zane jumped in his seat as if I’d shouted. I glanced over in time to see him shrug his shoulders, but his eyes remained staring out the window. “When we get there, we’ll go to Hamilton Security and see Micah first. I think we need to find out once and for all who’s been looking for you.”
“I think we both know there’s only one person in the Chicago area that would want to find me,” Zane responded. His voice sounded strained, but I was relieved that he had at least spoken to me.
“If it is your father who’s been looking for you, have you given any thought to what you want to do?” I asked him.
“That’s all I’ve been thinking about since we left the lake. I keep going back and forth between wanting to see him rot in prison and wanting to see him dead,” he answered solemnly.
“That’s understandable,” I said.
Zane leaned his head against the window and sighed. “Yeah, well, I doubt the prison thing will happen. It would be very hard to prove to a court that he did all those horrible things after all these years, especially if he…” Zane swallowed thickly, and his eyes squeezed shut. “Especially if he disposed of my brother’s body.” I reached over and laid my hand on top of his fist. He didn’t take my hand, but he didn’t push me away either.
“I won’t kill him either. Not because of some high moral standard, because I don’t think I’d care about that if I ever got the opportunity to have my hands around his throat,” he said darkly. My hand tightened over top of his. “I won’t kill him because then I’d go to prison and I already grew up in a prison of his making. I refuse to allow him to put me in one again. So, to answer your question, I have given a lot of thought as to what I want to do. I just haven’t come up with a solution yet. All I know for sure is that I don’t want him to get away with what he did to my brother. Isaac deserves better than that.”
“We’ll figure something out. He won’t just get away with the things he did, to either one of you,” I promised him. “And you won’t be doing any of it alone. I’ll be right next to you the entire time, baby.”
Zane looked a little surprised by my words, but he didn’t respond. He turned his head and looked out the window instead. Nothing else was said the rest of the way home, but I kept my hand securely folded over his. I wanted to lend him comfort, but it was just as much for me as it was for him.
I had the overwhelming need to hold onto him. Ever since I’d come out of the bathroom and seen him gone from my cabin and the file spread across my floor, I’d felt like I was going to lose him. He’d disappeared before, vanished into thin air for seven years and I knew that there was a very good chance that he might do it again.
He’d agreed to go back with me to Chicago, so he could face his father, but what about after that? He’d said it before, there was nothing else left for him in Chicago. Nothing but painful memories and me. So, what would he do? Where would he go? Would he return to the lake or would he be forced to move on because I’d ruined the peace he’d found there? Would he always think of me as just another in a long string of bad memories? Would he force himself to forget everything we’d shared?
My stomach lurched, my breakfast threatening to come back up. I rolled the window down, taking deep breaths of the fresh air in hopes that it would settle my stomach before I had to pull the car over and throw up.
A few hours later, we could see the Chicago skyline ahead of us. Zane sat up in his seat, his back straight and his shoulders pulled back tightly. It couldn’t have been easy for him to decide to face his father again after everything he’d been through, and I wouldn’t have blamed him at all if he’d wanted to turn back around and forget the whole thing. Instead, he was facing his demons head-on. He was very brave, and I was so damn proud of him.
We made it through the heavy traffic and, eventually, pulled into the parking lot behind Hamilton Security. I turned the engine off and turned in my seat to face Zane. To anyone else, he’d probably look calm and maybe a bit stoic. But I knew him better than anyone else and I could see the firm set of his mouth and the tension deep within his eyes. He was scared, but he was fighting it with everything he had.
“Whatever happens in there, no matter what we find out or who we have to face, you won’t have to do it alone. I know you’re upset with me. Maybe you even hate me at this point, but I love you, Zane, and I will not leave your side. I’ll be there to protect you and keep you safe,” I vowed.
Zane opened his mouth and shut it a couple of times, but finally he settled on a quiet, “Thank you.” I nodded, feeling a bit deflated, but knowing that I couldn’t push him. He needed time to decide if he could ever forgive me and right then, he had more pressing matters to deal with.
We got out of the car and walked around to the front of the building. I hadn’t called Micah to let him know I was coming back. There hadn’t been time that morning. Zane had shown up at my door, determined to leave, so we’d thrown our bags together as quickly as possible and headed out of town. Then I hadn’t called on the way there because I knew Micah would hound me for details, wanting to be sure I had the correct person and I wasn’t going to do that with Zane sitting right next to me, listening.
Mary looked up as we walked in and her face lit up with a huge smile. Before I could stop her, she was out of her chair and rushing around her desk to give me a big hug.
“Oh, Jeremy! I’ve missed you so much. It’s good to see your face,” she said in her thick Southern accent. Mary was a lot shorter than me, so I bent down and put my arms around her shoulders, hugging her back.
“Thanks, Mary. I’ve missed you too,” I said. She pulled back and I saw her eyes dart behind me to where Zane stood, then she turned her gaze back to me with a questioning look.
I stepped aside so she could see him better and made introductions. “Mary, this is my…friend, Zane.” I stumbled over what to say. It seemed wrong to just call him my friend when he meant so much more to me than that, but I also wasn’t sure if he even considered me a friend anymore. If the term upset him, he didn’t let it show.
“Zane, this is Mary,” I said.
“Hello. It’s nice to meet you,” Zane said politely, extending his hand out to her.
Mary wasn’t having any of that though. She glanced down at his hand and then brushed it aside as she grabbed him in a fierce hug. Zane gave me a shocked look over the top of her head and I smothered a laugh as he patted her shoulder awkwardly. Mary pulled back and grabbed his hands in her own, smiling up at him.
“There’s no need to be so formal, honey. All the boys that work here are my family and any friends of theirs automatically become family too,” she informed him sincerely.
“Ummm, thank you,” Zane murmured. I could tell that Mary’s speedy acceptance of him had taken him by surprise, especially her declaration that he was an honorary member of the family. He’d told me that other than me and Edith, he hadn’t felt like he was a part of anything since his brother died.
